There is a bloke in this old town,
you might know him - Tk - he gets around,
Now Tk’s lovely, a heart of gold,
wouldn’t hurt a fly be it young or old
But allow me, if I can be so bold,
to outline his downside if the truth be told
Behind his innocent young lips
there's a world of nouns and verbs unfit
for human consumption, well at least not kids
but its not just swearing, thats not it
His mysogyny, it knows no bounds
He turns ugly girl's smiles into deep-furrowed frowns
As he whistles the fitties and shouts 'munter' at hounds...

You might know him - Tk - he gets around

But I’m not here to complain or moan
about Tk’s crass crudity or lack of repose
or his insistence on referring to his girlfriends as Ho’s
this is more of an admission, a statement of woe

I’m a born and bred liberal, left wing through and through
I’m right behind feminists and the gay movement too
But I’ve got this dark secret and I’m not proud its true
Its getting me down, its making me blue

At the back of my mind in its darkest recess
there’s a tiny wee man that I usually suppress
My other demons don’t like him, he keeps calling them gay
You guessed it, its him, its my inner Tk

He sits there smirking at the back of my brain
Making grubby innuendos at the things people say
And if I’ve got an interview, or if I’m supposed to sign on
He takes me up to my room and starts feeding me bongs
No scenario's safe, he always a risk
He pops up on first dates to shout 'show us your tits'
And should I get as far as meeting her Ma and Father
Trust Tk to show shouting lager, lager, lager
And when he’s got me pisswaying like a punch-drunken boxer
He takes me up to her Mum and goes ‘Oi you’re a fox yeah’
And her Daddy's not happy, he’s not looking best pleased
Tk takes this as an opportunity to tease
So her Dad’s on the warpath, he’s looking to slap me
Tk gets my cock out going ‘COME ON THEN FATTY!’

When will this be over? When will it all stop?
Am I doomed to this life of binge-drinking, pot
And severe foot-in-mouth, is this really my lot?
I speak to him nightly: Tk, please, please, please just sod off!

But he lives in my head, there’s no escaping this plague
I wish I could grow up and start acting my age
Although he’s part of myself - who I love - I must say
I wish I wasn’t ruled by my inner Tk.


Apologies and thanks to Tom Kennedy - much love mate.