I devised an assessment: its function

to determine the likelihood

of spontaneous combustion

occurring in the neighbourhood.

Though it seems an implausible prospect,

ancient custom requires a suspect:

a makeshift scapegoat martyr

on standby for the slaughter.

 

Available data compiled and collated,

the salient factors weighted and rated.

Who was the most likely person

to detonate out of the blue?

I'd studied the form and was certain

it's the kind of thing Ralphie would do.

 

The width of the wallet

the depth of the pocket

the tear on the collar

the fade of the colour

the stains on the jacket

the empty fag packet

the money that's buried

he'll never inherit

the gap that had grown

between trousers and shoe

showed Ralph was the man

who was favourite to.

 

At that point Ralph was quite unfancied;

the odds were long in the betting market.

I took the price; I took advantage

before the rumour mills had started.

 

I'm watching, waiting - from a distance -

a connoisseur of social symptoms.

 

Look at him moving through the pack!

Hold him back! Hold him back!

Now pull him over to the outside,

straighten him up and let him ride!

C'mon, Ralphie! Go on, my son!

Use the whip! The whip...