The louvres let in some light
enough to see the dust
when eyes adjust.
This won't do, he thinks,
says it aloud,
“This really won't do”
but doesn't mean the dust
or last week's cups,
January's laundry
or last year's papers.
He means
litter-blitzed head
synapses in smithereens
the unhoovered brain
and cranial dust.
And then he smiles wide
pushes paper pile aside
settles in his warm, worn old chair
fits like a glove
Yes there's mess, everywhere
but there is love,
there is Dorothy.
Very vivid, Dave, in its imagery but nicely ambivalent in its meaning.
Hi Dave,
I liked your rhythms in this. ! think:
"litter-blitzed head
synapses in smithereens"
- too few syllables in line one - too many in line two. it's clumsy on the aear and tongue.
For me you could drop the last line; or, make "her" nameless. Personalising it with your last word, after the anonymity of the rest jars a little. Enjoyed the read though!
Regards,
A.E.
I liked most of the poem, Dave.
This bit sticks in my throat.
He means
litter-blitzed head
synapses in smithereens
the unhoovered brain
and cranial dust
I'd mind less if there were no punctuation throughout, but as there is, surely that section needs some too.
A Curmudgeon.
<Deleted User> (6315)
Sun 22nd Jan 2012 22:28
This has that feel good factor that sometimes shines through the words.. :)
Fab, all the way up to 'fits like a glove'.
Chairs don't fit like gloves..well, not unless you are fisting them.
Maybe he was?
Jx
(all the rest is bloody brilliant)
I enjoyed this, Dave - the rhythm, music, and sentiments.
If you wish to post a comment you must login.
This site uses cookies. By continuing to browse, you are agreeing to our use of cookies.
Cynthia Buell Thomas
Tue 24th Jan 2012 12:56
One of your best, Dave, a character sketch that implies a saga. I like best the uncertainty of 'Dorothy' - cat, dog, pillow, photo, ghost? For me, the realism of the declining situation implies fantasy in its resolution. I find it well-crafted diction-wise, and would suggest only the removal of all punctuation, to let the reader sink or swim with your thoughts.