A Lady's dismissal
Write your promises
on steamy glass
your vows of love
with fingered air
what meaning meant
now base and spent
as a smile becomes
a sneer.
words and foto T Carroll
Comments
<Deleted User> (10241)
Fri 11th May 2012 02:45
Oh this is really good Tommy, brilliantly clever imagery.
You have woven the start and end of a relationship from just a few short verses.
The steamy hot flush of new love: your names inside hearts on windows, which are altered and changed by the temperature drying out causing condensation "tears" to dribble down the window and the "smile becomes a snear"
True poetry.
I really like this, Tommy, good one!
I really like this, Tommy. It's poetic and hints at a story arc within few words.
I would agree you might think about dropping 'mainly'. Adverbs are often superfluous in poetry as good as this. How about also replacing 'became' with 'now', and swopping 'your smile' for 'a smile'?
Or does that turn it from your poem into mine? If so, apols.
This is the sort of poetry I like, essential, spare, interesting.
I think you've got something here Tommy. It certainly captures a certain indefinable something.
Personally I would drop the would mainly, it loses a tad in qualification but gains a lot sonically and in turn of phrase appeals a little more.
Good write
Chris
I shall imagine you waving two fingers at me now as you dismiss my suggestions :)
I like this. I'd agree with Stella that removing 'mainly' helps the flow but wouldn't put in mostly either; I'd just say 'as a smile becomes a sneer' . I think you could also consider changing became to something else like 'is now' - she says in a folky voice, with a finger in her ear... :)
<Deleted User> (6315)
Wed 2nd May 2012 00:19
It is not so nice when smiles transform into sneers.
I like the feel of nothing being solid here..think that mostly sneer fits a bit better than mainly a sneer but thats only me innit?.
well writ :)
well yes, you can look at the title and read it a a lady dismissing someone - or - someone dismissing a lady!
Yvonne- it could be both?!
;o)
nice one.So often this is the case and very succinctly put - but why a lady and not a man?
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<Deleted User> (10241)
Fri 11th May 2012 03:04
And for my experience of your poem "becomes" is better as these last few words describes the man's relationship now, the rest of the poem relating the "before " of his story.