I used to call him Grandad
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment folks, appreciate it :)
Comments
Thanks all for your constructive comments, really appreciate it, and glad you enjoyed it.
Yes, it is autobiographical but I used a tidgy bit of poetic licence ;)
Sid - there's another aspect to rainbows...they're all about the light, aren't they? How light is perceived, made, how they're ephemeral.
I may put that to 'at 84' then.
Chris/Is - cheers, yep, I wanted it to show the door ajar and light again at the end to reinforce the message about how he DID bring light into my life. I was a very unhappy child most of the time, but spending time with him made it bearable. And you're bang on with how that kind of relationship is now frowned upon due to the abuses which have always happened. Which is really sad, considering how much I got out of my relationship with him,and what he must have got from me.
Am still not sure whether to keep the italics...will mull a bit more on that.
Thanks again you lot :)
Always admire your work, Laura, and I very much enjoyed this. I like the way 84 could be interpreted 2 ways, love "shufflecoughing" and particularly like the verses in itallics.
Sadly you are right Chris. I don't have such warm memories of an old man I once knew as a child - and I'd never be encouraging my kids to step into anyone's light in that way. I do regret their loss of freedom though.
All that being said, this is a lovely poem that kind of restores your faith in the good side of human nature.
I like the way the poem opens and closes on the door, the light and the play on that idea; by the end of the poem it's pretty obvious that Seamus brings light into the life of the poet - and that for me is the central theme.
It IS a rewarding read - and very deftly executed. For what it's worth, I like the title. It's unsentimental but catches you, especially after a second read.
Very enjoyable Laura.
My favourite lines were;
Quote
weaving magic wrapped in words
from ancient mariners
for little girls
Unquote
I very much liked the decision to bring the poem full circle. The opening words, told again; now doing so in the revealed light of all that has gone before. In a sense these words are not the same, despite being the very same.
There is a joy and a sadness in this, at least there is for me looking in. I very much doubt such relationships are likely to exist anymore. As a child, I too formed wonderful relationships with older people. Even if it was just chatting with a next door neighbour about cars, sheds or cricket etc.
The wonder and connection between children and the elderly is of course well known and a cliche, probably because of the common truth of it.
Modern life has of course revealed the terrible minority that have done and would do a child harm. As a result, maybe rightly, things are much more protective these days. How sad though that children may miss out on the wonderment of the relationships that we had (if this is from personal experience, perhaps I presume too much due to the quality of the writing).
Very enjoyable poem.
Best
Chris
I think "at 84" increases the ambiguity a bit.I should leave the title as it is, maybe lose the italics, not really necessary.
Amidst the chip-pan air, shufflecoughing and rusty iron coils, rainbow stripe sticks out. Maybe that's as it should be. I'd have gone for summat more restrained.
Philipos
Fri 19th Oct 2012 16:50
Full of lovely images and I enjoyed reading it Laura. Well done.
Cheers Darren :)
Ah right, ok, that's interesting about the italics. Hmmm. Have to mull a bit more on this. This has taken the longest time EVER to (almost) finish...the very first draft was 7 months ago! I've picked it up and put it down so many times, got real frustrated with it. It's almost unrecognisable from the first draft now. But much better! ;D
darren thomas
Fri 19th Oct 2012 15:59
Hi Laura - I enjoyed reading this too.
It's obvious that you think about your words carefully before committing them down.
'Dignity was diamond-like' stands out - and personally, i don't think the italics are necessary - i couldn't even see the italic when i first read it and nothing was lost for me.
dt
Thanks for your constructive and considered comments Anthony, much appreciated :)
Yeh, I do tend to lapse into uncontrollable alliteration sometimes! I talk like that a lot too, it comes out completely unintentionally...I wonder if that's why I'm not more critical of it in my poems. I will look at both examples again - see if I can't erase some of the obviousness.
This is really useful folks, cos I'm wanting to send this away to a publisher by the end of the month, with the theme of 'hometown heroes/heroines' and I reckon it'll fit, don't you? And I've worked on this for bloody aaaaages now!
Yeh, Seamus sitting - in my mind's eye, I can still see him sitting on his back step, watching me jump round :)
Glad you like shufflecoughing. I bloody love poetry for the chance it gives me to actually USE the words I'm constantly making up ha :D
No intention re the rhythm, as it goes, but I like what you drew from it :) As I was telling someone last night, the rhythm just comes out of everything I say and write, and I suspect it's due to being a music obsessive since being a nipper...I'll play percussion on and with anything, all the time, it's constant in my head. I actually drive myself a bit batshit cos I can't seem to break away from the rhythms.
Anyhoo, epic post over!! Thanks again :)
Really enjoyed this Laura. It has a very fitting rhythm - like a child's skipping song, which I guess was your intention. I don't have a problem with the title seeming a little ambivalent; it's good to surprise the reader, or even make them apprehensive sometimes.
"Shufflecoughing" says rather more than its mere four syllables suggest - a very fitting description. I think maybe the alliteration could be turned down a little, "telling tales taller" for instance; I think you could drop "fierce" too, without losing anything.
I feel "Seaumus smoked and smiled" would be enough. Those are my only tiny quibbles on what is a very satisfying and rewarding read. Well done.
Regards,
A.E.
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment Sid - I admire your work so it's good to hear your feedback.
It's always interesting, seeing what others make of your stuff. I'd never even considered the title might be distressing. But...no...it doesn't bother me, I like the extra level of interpretation, in fact.
However, I was considering changing it cos I thought it signified the relationship too clumsily. Do you think a simple 'Seamus Rimer' would be better, or worse?
Mmmm...do you mean out of place sonically? I wanted to signify many colours of conversation, lots of ground covered, and of course, the storytelling/fantastic element to the whole thing too.
And it WAS originally 'at 84' - but I wanted to have the ambiguity of him living at number 84, and/or being the age of 84. So I'll leave that as it is.
What about the italicisation of that middle section? Seem okay to you? I wanted it to come across as flashback, but am questioning whether it's really necessary now.
Enjoyed this. The title threatens something distressing, perhaps. Dunno if that bothers you.
If it were mine I'd have "at 84"
rainbow stripe seems out of place somehow
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Harry O'Neill
Sun 21st Oct 2012 20:21
A lovely story, Laura, very well done.