It's Christmas Day and you're stressed as fuck

'Cos all of the dinner you've still to cook

The bastard turkey refuses to defrost

The plot is gone, somewhere it's lost

It's been in the sink under the tap

The giblets are out and are staring back

It's as hard as fuck, it's as hard as ice

So into the garage and into the vice

Take the hacksaw in your hand

Feeling the urge of your inner caveman

Saw through the legs then through the wings

Feeling the smug satisfaction it brings

Grabbing the trusty hammer and chisel

To smash the breast bone and sinewy gristle

The battle is won, you hold it aloft

But realise the fucker is still not soft

Back to the kitchen for a quick wash

Into the microwave, beep, beep, bosh.

Relax for a minute, glug some wine

Shout at the turkey 'yer bloody swine'

Watch the bastard slowly revolve

Hoping the problems soon resolved

As you tap your fingers, your face is a frown

Some more wine and quick sit down

Wait for the noise of the microwave ding

Hope it defrosted the fucking thing

'Cos in 3 hours time the family arrive

Drink more wine to help you survive

Some of the bird is still rock hard

Whilst other bits are completely charred

Some of it has started to cook

The turkey is now completely fucked

The best place for it is in the bin

Lift up the lid and slide it in

Raise your glass, have another drink

Then another whilst you think

Just one more to lament the roast

Dinners sorted, it's beans on toast.