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lonely

Tuesday 14th July 2009 1:19 am

lonely

loneliness is like calcium
or lime-scale
dust on the lids of gift boxes
it builds up
learn to accept it
occasionally pick at it
from the hot and cold faucets
where liquid drips
cold people passed
left deposits that heavy the heart
some kind of water.
you think you overcome it
and that you can overcome it
or accept it as it compounds
pick at pieces
but it comfortably reforms
its own coral reefs
who said there could be no beauty in loneliness
the most romantic state of all
accepting your own company
the only way to know yourself
I wish not to apply lime-scale remover
I’m no fan of harsh chemicals
I would rather you usher me in gentle
now you have arrived.

◄ put colour to pale

Tingle ►

Comments

Jeff Dawson

Wed 12th Aug 2009 23:39

Hi Pete, just catching up, been busy! Love this, and other stufff you do in this vein, and couldn't agree more with the content, Jeff

Anthony Emmerson

Thu 16th Jul 2009 11:42

Hi Pete,
Enjoyed this. Very imaginative and appropriate use of metaphor to encapsulate that state of mind. I think it could be tightened up - but to be honest there's not much slack in it.
Regards,
A.E.

Andy N

Tue 14th Jul 2009 16:29

a much softer poem for you, Pete.. I've got tons like this too, m8.. I would never throw them away! I loved it!

Dave Bradley

Tue 14th Jul 2009 15:08

This is a beaut. The mood of quietness and reflection it creates perfectly reflects the experience of aloneness. The reader feels the dilemma of the lonely and is coaxed gently into identifying. That's an uncomfortable one because it's all of us sometimes if we're honest. I'm saying that after a 4-day social whirl personally but it's true nevertheless - just hard to admit.

Isobel

Tue 14th Jul 2009 12:51

Don't know what to say but I have to say something else I would be ignoring it, which I can't do. Sometimes commentary seems trite. If a poem gets to me emotionally, I don't see the nuances of how it can be changed/improved - I just get lost in the feelings. That is not to criticise those who do - we need more objective people around else we'd all be very samey.
I love the poem - the imagery is just so different. Glad you explained the ending - I wouldn't have known you were talking about a person - I thought you meant the acceptance of being on your own. The alternative meaning makes the poem much more uplifting.

Pete Crompton

Tue 14th Jul 2009 10:49

No Darren, its not a poem that I get defensive about this one, so Im up for any suggestions and reworks. Sometimes if you step out of yorself and allow it to opne up as long as you stay true to the core emotion and what you feel passionate about then you can improve on it. I used to get all defensive upon critique but I think you have to go thru that to develop a confidence in yourself that can dispel the feeling of 'leave my poem alone!' if you dont open up you cant progress, I welcome and fully engage with your critique.

I am not complacent nor assured that im perfect, none of us are, if you write to be read then the most valid thing is what the reader says.

darren thomas

Tue 14th Jul 2009 10:24

NO! Don't ever throw pieces like this away Pete.
It's like throwing away quality paint which keeps for years in the right conditions.

Assuming that MOST people understand the difference is sometimes not the best thing to do.
If this piece is up for edit - I'll email you with how I think a nuance in some clauses could strengthen it?

Either that or you can tell me to 'KOFF'. Like somebody else has already done this morning.

Pete Crompton

Tue 14th Jul 2009 10:10

well im not sure if it worked but the ending is when a new person arrives. They suddenly burst into the persons life, and it needs to be taken slow as theres a lot of build up to remove, layers etc. Thats why I put 'usher in gentle'
however it could be that 'usher in gentle' is the reverse of this. depends how you read it.

The thing is I usually throw these types of poems away, got a box full

Pete Crompton

Tue 14th Jul 2009 10:04

Thanks all.
Darren yes you are correct and I wrote this almost to throw myself off balance, or should I say to wake myself up, or to challenge myself. It is an attempt. Im real happy to listen to your critique and I actually wrote it with a critique session in mind as I felt that it begins to be something then my lack of writing skill (in term sof academic) just lets it down. Im believe i have th emotion angle covered and its a case of tutoring, this is where lessons and workshops help. I am prepared to edi this one etc.

Val Cook

Tue 14th Jul 2009 08:57

Great image Peter,a sad reflection for so many. Good poem, very good Peter

Chris Dawson

Tue 14th Jul 2009 08:32

You're writing some good stuff, it seems, at the moment.
I don't agree with Darren that you need to reinforce the difference between loneliness and alone - I think most people already understand the two are not the same, and if they don't ... they're probably not going to get the rest of the poem anyway.
Et je suis d'accord avec Francine!
Cx

darren thomas

Tue 14th Jul 2009 07:36

Pete - this is good. Introspection is alive and well. Hope the foot isn't troubling you too much.

I'm not sure though if you're trying to personify something or if the piece is an attempt at concrete poetry. On my PC, the layout of the text has the look of a faucet. If I squint harshly.

I'd be tempted to include the word 'alone' in there too. Near the end. Bit of a twist, say...

'now you have arrived alone' OR
'as you arrive all alone'.

This may help to reinforce the difference between the two emotive states. Which is huge.

See ya soon.

Francine

Tue 14th Jul 2009 06:06

Beautifully written... as always.
Je suis tellement contente que tu as décidé de partager ton talent - tes poèmes de nouveau : )

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