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Red Shoes

entry picture

 

Sometimes it’s hard

Not to listen to voices

‘Tart’ whispers one

‘Mutton dressed as lamb’

Another

Ruffled feathers

Freeze for a moment

Clipped, one too many times

But the shoes have bonded

And they are dancing

To a different beat

She smiles serenely

With 2 finely varnished nails

Salutes the world

And ‘totters’ precariously

Onto a bright new stage…

 

 

Version 3 (Edited by Anthony Emmerson)

 

Sometimes it’s hard

not to listen to voices,

‘Tart’ whispers one,

‘Mutton dressed as lamb’

another.

Ruffled feathers

freeze for a moment

- clipped one too many times.

 

But the shoes have bonded,

and they are dancing

to a different beat.

 

She smiles serenely

with two finely varnished nails

salutes the world,

And totters precariously

onto a bright new stage…

 

 

Version 2 (Edited by Winston)

 

Sometimes it’s hard

not to listen to voices.

Tart” whispers one.

 

Mutton dressed as lamb”

another. Ruffled feathers

freeze for a moment.

 

Clipped one too many times.

But the shoes have bonded

And they are dancing…

 

She smiles serenely

to a different beat and

with two finely varnished nails

 

Salutes the world!

Then totters precariously

Onto a bright new stage…

 

 

© Isobel 2009

 

◄ The School Play

Words ►

Comments

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winston plowes

Mon 3rd Aug 2009 10:07

Hi Isobel, Thanks for your comments on 3 Ramdom strangers. Had to look back at your red shoes to understand your reference, and there is a line the same isn't there. Coincidence or subliminal? don't know which.
P.S. I turned all my mirrors over years ago, nothing to see.
Win xx

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Isobel

Fri 31st Jul 2009 14:41

Thanks Janet - tee hee - Anthony did give some other suggestions but bracketed so I could choose whether or not to change - I more or less stuck to the original but preferred his layout and punctuation.

<Deleted User> (5646)

Fri 31st Jul 2009 12:25

I like this kind of critique. I think it helps the reader and the poet when someone takes the trouble to actually re-work it to best effect.

Anthony's work on this isn't much different to the original but it works and more to the point, Isobel likes it too so all's well that ends well hey.

Janet.xx

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Andy N

Thu 30th Jul 2009 23:07

like the third mix... if this keeps up - we'll have a book off different mixes done at this rate! lol

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Isobel

Thu 30th Jul 2009 23:05

Am sure everyone has totally lost interest in my red shoes by now but Anthony was kind enough to give me some ideas on how I could restructure without affecting the flow of ideas and I would not like his effort to go to waste. I like his version better - if I can find more time, I will try to polish in this way. Thanks to Anthony and Winston both - it is so easy to foget what a little simple punctuation can do to the reading of a poem.

Steve Smith

Wed 29th Jul 2009 20:28

This poem is a very finely balanced image - like the dancer. Each time I read it , I expect it to fall over, but it doesn't.So I have to read it again.
Steve Smith

<Deleted User> (5646)

Wed 29th Jul 2009 10:53

In answer to your question.. i only ever give up that which is too high and mighty to climb. That's not to say i might reach it some day but
I'm more comfy in shoes i can walk in without breaking my neck or indeed my ankle.

Janet.x

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Isobel

Tue 28th Jul 2009 21:32

John - you must have led a sheltered life! Get out there and buy your young wife some - then gird your loins...
Francine - you always give me the right encouragement - yes I cheated with the picture - my legs aren't quite as slender but if Emmerson can swap arses, i thought I might get away with calves...
Talking about Emmerson - I totally misread his comment and misread kickers for knickers - it was only later on in the day that I realised - I thought he was being amazingly up front... One little n can make such a difference - don't you think Andy? Groan groan - I'm on such a roll now - maybe I'll get some tap shoes for my next performance - I'll just tap through the cock ups and no-one will notice.
Anthony, you missed out the greatest Red Shoe story of all - Hans Christian Anderson - though that was a very sad one - hopefully mine will have a happy ending.
Thanks to you all.
Isobel x

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Tue 28th Jul 2009 17:46

Never!

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John Darwin

Tue 28th Jul 2009 14:22

Isobel, I like this very much although the shoes scare me just a little bit.

John

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Isobel

Tue 28th Jul 2009 12:08

Cynthia and Janet - you both say 'were' - do you mean to say you don't still have them? And just when should a women give them up - that is the question..

<Deleted User> (5646)

Tue 28th Jul 2009 12:08

ps. sorry, i'm in a rush but wanted to comment on your poem.
I did keep getting back up though, even though my cheeks were a bit red with embarrassment. Those shoes didn't get the better of me :-)

Janet.x

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Isobel

Tue 28th Jul 2009 12:07

I didn't give too much thought to structure when I wrote this. I am grateful to Winston for taking the time to look at it. I like the more formal structure of his version but don't like the way ideas are chopped up. I think once poems are written it becomes hard to change the structure - you almost need to build your ideas round the structure whilst you are writing and not the other way round. You may disagree so I'll give you the benefit of both..
Thanks to all for reading - it is in the third person but as you all probably have guessed - a very personal poem.

<Deleted User> (5646)

Tue 28th Jul 2009 12:04

Hi Isobel,
i can guess where the inspiration for this came from. Mine were 5 inch platforms with a few bits of string on top to grip my feet. :-)
I lost count of the number of times i slipped off and toppled over.

Janet.x
Janet.x

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Tue 28th Jul 2009 10:03

Isobel, mine were black suede with red satin linings - highly visible when I tipped my heels off and dangled the shoe from my toes... same idea. Good poem. Great capturing.

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Andy N

Tue 28th Jul 2009 08:29

Nice stuff, Isobel.. Have you tried reading this out yet? Would be interested in knowing how well it went down as I can't make up my mind whether it is performance based or more of a page piece! x

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Anthony Emmerson

Tue 28th Jul 2009 00:28

Hi Isobel,
Red shoes - now there's an iconic image. Red is perhaps the most emotive of colours, the colour of blood and passion and power. I even used to wear red "Kickers" myself once. (And you might recall that I have a "thing" about scarlet stilettos.) Then there's "The Red Shoes" film (1948), and Dorothy's magical "ruby slippers" from The Wizard of Oz. I notice you are writing this in the third person - interesting. Was it a "dictaphone in the shower" moment? ;-) I think it's great that you can put someone in a situation, give the world a glimpse of their circumstances, character and ambitions, and tell a short story - all within a few lines; also leaving enough space for the reader to fill in with their own imagination. This is what writing is all about. Good stuff.
Regards,
A.E.

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Isobel

Mon 27th Jul 2009 21:34

Which roughly translated means - you like the message but not necessarily the construction - tee hee - I must admit - I tend to write from the heart and don't give technique much thought - luckily I'm not after winning any competitions! Thanks for your comment Dave - I always value your opinion.

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Dave Bradley

Mon 27th Jul 2009 20:01

Loved this. Can't say anything technical about it - just liked it a lot!

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