Words
Words like tides
wax and wane
each new day washed clean
pulled by paper moon
on foreign shores made vain
When light fades
day is done
our deeds stand moated
unconquered castles
in the dying sun
Comments
Sun 16th Aug 2009 17:30
I so agree with this concept. It reminds me much of my Granny and her philosophy of casting her bread upon the waters.
Yolande
I would love your suggestions Anthony. I struggled with the last line of the first verse, wanting it to be one syllable shorter but not managing it without losing the meaning.
Your lesser known nursery rhyme is incredibly sad and curiously insightful...
<Deleted User> (5646)
Sat 15th Aug 2009 14:18
Lovely Isobel.
Janet.x
Hi Isobel,
Thanks for your recent comments on "Edge." they are always much appreciated. I read this when you first posted it, but wanted to take some time to consider it before commenting. It reminds me of one of the perhaps lesser-known nursery rhymes:
A man of words and not of deeds
Is like a garden full of weeds
And when the weeds begin to grow
It's like a garden full of snow
And when the snow begins to fall
It's like a bird upon the wall
And when the bird away does fly
It's like an eagle in the sky
And when the sky begins to roar
It's like a lion at the door
And when the door begins to crack
It's like a stick across your back
And when your back begins to smart
It's like a penknife in your heart
And when your heart begins to bleed
You're dead, and dead, and dead indeed.
in its sentiments at least. It's impressively succinct and condensed (how I wish I could do short!) I could offer a few suggestions - if you wish, but they are fairly minor and I don't want to be seen to nitpick without invitation. Can I presume you had fun building sandcastles in Ibiza? Damn - and here's me thinking that it was the island of sex and drugs and rock'n roll. :-)
Regards,
A.E.
bravo, nice condensed words here. Win x
I liked this a lot Isobel. As Andy says, a change in style, but nothing wrong with that. You are saying something so true here and saying it memorably. More! x
like the new poem , my attention span is short so less is always more for me :)
good to see you get your poem out last night enjoyed it .
I would agree with this Isobel. Words can be , and often are, misinterpreted. Actions count, and cannot undone.
Cate xx
nice change in style there, chuck.. I like it and think it packs a bit off a punch! x
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Deborah Jordan Bailey
Wed 26th Aug 2009 20:41
I love this Isobel x