alva, who is darkness
alva is who appears at midnight
with a mechanical needle one hundred metres long
sucking bleak black blood from the acne scars of mother
alva is here when i am alone and i lock my door
peeling crescent moons of rose red flesh
alva is the sin
that lets me think i can get away with it
the foolish pride
the gluttony
the decaying colostrum from your darkened nipples
alva is the stress ball
the dirty plates
the drawn curtains
the self imposed, masochistic writers block
alva looks at the curves of girls
alva spurs the advances of simpering family fanatics
oh wow oh wow
here he comes now
alva is bedding that never gets washed
alva is the drooping limp dick cigarette placed between trembling lips
the semen crusted keyboard
the greasy mouse
the greasy mouth
the fridge full of soil
the three days of starvation before payday
alva has never been kissed
alva has fucked every woman
spit in his mouth
piss on his hair
alva hates the medicine
that clips his wings and binds his feet
alva leaves the pills in the corner of his mouth
like a stubborn cat with worms
before tonguing the fizzing demon down the toilet
alva loves me
alva is mine
alva is no one
on the weekends alva tightens my leash
the spikes dig into my flesh
the medicine cabinet stays locked
alva swallows the key
i root through his shit on monday morning
until i find the cold, hard metal of release
without alva i would not be me
his shadow haunts my days
at night he burrows deep into my mind
kicking through freudian leaves to find the repression
the bubble wrapped nightmares
alva wont let me turn on the lights
he is static
he is white noise
oh wow oh wow
here he comes now
Stu Buck
Fri 28th Oct 2016 16:49
thanks everyone.
ray - it is cathartic rather than punishing, especially the place i find myself n ow which is a lot more pleasant than where i have been in the past. there is a drug element involved, i do take certain medication which helps push 'alva' down (alva by the way is a hebrew term for evil which is why i chose it).
natasha - thanks so much, you have picked up on everything i wished to convey!
elP - im glad you picked out those lines. i am very much a believer that everyone has darkness inside them, and to repress it is far more dangerous than to accept that darkness is a part of what shapes our lives.
david - glad you enjoyed it. its funny you should mention your unease as to who the narrator is, as i think that is the most pertinent point. darkness overtakes us all at some point, what joy we can find in poetry that enables us to allow it to control us and yet still find creativity and light.
thanks all, really appreciate you taking the time to give me your feedback and thoughts.