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A Gentile Ripple

Babylon over-flows

onto the banks of the river insane

and the dam grows ever higher.

 

Those impenetrable walls

too high to climb,

too wide to cross,

tears ebb to whence they came,

rise again within the swell

to roll in the surf of a wave

which laps against a shore forlorn.

To be forgotten until -

the shell in which they crystallize

is placed beside a listening ear,

to hear the tale of their salty trail

through a sea of passion, laughter shared.

Through devotion and love confused

in the mayhem of a summer rip-tide. 

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Comments

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Fri 25th Sep 2009 16:38

OK, I have to ask...is Gentile meant to be non-Jewish, as in picking up 'the rivers of Babylon' idea, etc; or is it meant to be 'Gentle'? I honestly don't know.

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Francine

Fri 25th Sep 2009 03:59

Janet, I really enjoyed reading this so much and I think it is one of your best poems...
You express some intense emotions with the imagery of the beach...
All things that I love and identify with : )

Fantastique!

<Deleted User> (5646)

Wed 23rd Sep 2009 12:30

Thankyou all for your comments and thoughts about this.
There are many 'elements' to this piece. It was written while listening to a cd called 'Water Whispers.' and the writing ebbed and flowed like water does.

Nicky- i love your interpretation and not just because it is a positive comment.

Dave- i think Nicky could easily write a poem from her comment too.

Cynthia- thankyou and to be honest, i cannot understand what you mean when you say the first line doesn't balance with the sincerity and general tone. I've thought long and hard about changing that line and the only solution would be to write ' she cries a river of tears.'
I'm not sure if it actually makes any difference to the poem and either way it might be a cliched line but to change it would alter the whole theme. While i'm not averse to editing when it feels right to me, on this occasion i must stand by my inner feelings.
My 'intentions' are ALWAYS sincere. Perhaps my inexperience with writing shows through at times my intentions are misconstrued. I'm always happy to explain to anyone when that happens but in poetry there is often an exaggerated flow of words for effect.

Graham- please read my comment to Cynthia and thankyou for your input.

Isobel- Haunting. I like that. :-)

Andy- you're a gem and always so complimentary, thankyou.

Janet.x

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Nichola Burrows

Wed 23rd Sep 2009 12:10

I have to comment on this again Janet.

Cynthia and Graham ( please take no offense this is only an observation ) I see what you are saying but I do not think that this takes anything away from the poem. We all are influenced and use popular culture within any form of writing and if it fits, it sticks, so to speak. If every writer gives me a pound for the amount of times a line or a phrase that has been previously wriitten has spontaneously crept or sneakily leapt out of our mass of dull grey matter into the content of our written word, ( sometimes without us even realising it ), I think I would be so rich that I could twitter on all day without a care in the world. Do we need to start putting inverted commas around phrases that may have been written by someone else and bibliographies at the end of a poem. Think this is a cause for discussion.

I loved the poem Janet, and every time I read it I see something more. Very good write.

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Andy N

Tue 22nd Sep 2009 23:03

lovely stuff, Janet.. Like the change in the two stanza..

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Isobel

Tue 22nd Sep 2009 16:47

A haunting one Janet. Yes - there is a sadness and impermanence that runs through the poem. Romantic love is like that - unpredictable and uncontrollable We all sometimes wish for things that can't be. Somehow we have to come to terms with it and move on. In my opinion no body is irreplacable - except a child or parent.

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Graham Sherwood

Tue 22nd Sep 2009 14:14

I agree with Cynthia, please review the use of Cry me a River, there are so many better lines to use.
Use your last line for comparison; it's really strong.

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Tue 22nd Sep 2009 12:15

Very lyrical, Janet, with some lovely imagery.

I think you might be a tiny bit careful about phrases that are clearly recognizable pick-ups from popular songs. I've seen this before, and thought you were 'tongue in cheek' about it, but now I'm not sure. I don't think that it balances with the sincerity and general tone which I believe you intend.

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Dave Bradley

Tue 22nd Sep 2009 08:40

I like this Janet but can't top Nicky's comments, which are almost a poem in their own 'write'

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Nichola Burrows

Tue 22nd Sep 2009 07:57

I think this is beautifully written Janet, with subtle but quite exquisite imagery. For me it epitomises the song of the mermaid which I believe that mythological legend tells us we can hear in the beautiful conche shell. A song that in one way or another exists in all of us. The swell of the waves encaptures the swell of sorrow, and emotion that rises within us and then gently ebbs away. Also, a subtle feeling of impermance threads gently through its lines.

It was a lovely start to my day. Thank you.x

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