When Hesketh Boggins Caused a K’fuffle

 

Hesketh Boggins was a mild mannered man

But only when he was sober

I’ve marked it on mi calendar

It was one afternoon, last October

 

But, when he’d had a bit to drink

Old Hesketh was always in trouble

And that’s what happened, that fateful day

When he caused a ruddy k’fuffle

 

They sent a Black Maria for ‘im

And two of our boys in blue

Cos he’d gone and breached his ASBO

And created a ruddy to-do

 

The coppers in question were right big buggers

Both well over six foot four

So you’d think it would pose ‘em no problem

To shove Hesketh in t’paddy wagon door

 

Hesketh was only five foot six

But solid and stubborn as an ox

And no amount of pushing and shoving

Would get Hesketh into the box

 

An unstoppable force met an immovable object

As they both refused to give ground

They’d reached a bit of a stalemate

Cos Hesketh weren’t going in t’pound

 

So, t’coppers called for some backup

To help ‘em out in the scuffle

And try to get Hesketh into the van

Cos he’d caused a ruddy k’fuffle

 

The coppers had gained the advantage

Cos now it was one against four

And they tussled and bustled old Hesketh

But he weren’t going int’ paddy wagon door

 

“You’re only makin’ things worse for yusen”

One of the coppers said

“Cos now we can do you, for resistin’ arrest”

“And hittin’ mi boot, with your head”

 

They managed to get the cuffs on ‘im

And wrestled him onto the floor

Three big burly bluebottles sat on ‘im

As the other one called for some more

 

Then t’sergeant turned up, with three of his finest

Upping their total to eight

So surely now they could manage it

And get Hesketh into the crate

 

They battered him, wacked him and clubbed him

But still he weren’t goin’ int’ van

And one stuck his truncheon right up his nose

And cuffed him, with t’back of his hand

 

And still they were not gettin’ nowhere

Hesketh weren’t goin’ int’ crate

He must have weighed as much as ten men

And the cops couldn’t lift the deadweight

 

Then out of nowhere, this limmo turned up

It was Chief-Superintendent Dungrose

He got out, and sniffed the air with contempt

Like a turd was stuck under his nose

 

He looked at Hesketh, and Hesketh looked back

Y’could tell that they knew one-another

Then Dungrose broke the silence, and said

“What have you been up to, y’bugger?”

 

“Have you had a little drinkies?”

“Come on now, be a good man”

“Show these lads how to do it”

“And put yourself into the van”

 

Then meek as a lamb, Old Hesketh stood up

His nose all splattered and twisted

He shook himsen off, and spat out some blood

Then walked to the van….. Unassisted

 

You see Hesketh needs treating with kid-gloves

And he’ll do as you ask with no trouble

And that’s what happened that fateful day

When he caused a ruddy k’fuffle