Comments
This is very good. I found a little confusion in the centre following the use of the period after '....breath'. I tried to pick up the flow of meaning again, and found it veered into other reflections which is fine, just a bit jammed perhaps. Maybe a break of stanza would assist the separation of natural causes and people causes. The last seven lines are an excellent closure.
<Deleted User> (7164)
Tue 16th Feb 2010 10:24
I can smell the fish and the sea from here. Pity Fleetwood always seems so grey. I like how you picked up on the 'red' sweaters to warm it up a bit. I don't know if that was intentional but i saw red in the geraniums. :-)
Janet.x
Actually, I escaped a couple of years ago.Where I live now is Chocolate Box pretty but sometimes you need a bit of bleak don't you? I miss it sometimes.
Cheers for the comments,
Rach
xxx
It sounds like a delightful place to live LOL - I'd love to see what you might write about Wigan - we don't even have the sea air to freshen things up!
As ever, fresh and interesting imagery in here.
Isobel x
i am guessing you live in fleetwood??? i remember last time i was there a few years back - didnt' stop raining all the time and i got soaked about six times! lol
really enjoyed the poem however.. i wouldn't say it was nice, but i did enjoy as it is very clear x
Well described bleakness!
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winston plowes
Thu 18th Feb 2010 00:16
Smashing stuff again Rachel... well done. Win