a chocolate Santa Claus

a piece of motivation

a piece of dedication

a piece of dictation

mission failed

a piece of self hate

a piece of failure

a piece of disappointment

a piece of weakness

cancelled mission

new year, new start

mission restarted

self-hate

lose weight

 

goals you have to achieve

goals you can't achieve

goals you must proceed

con...

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a thousand voices

cast away in my shadows

listen! can't you hear?

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I get nostalgic for a kind of suffering 
That lingers on the fingertips of broken words 
and half lit cigarettes 

Of forgotten fallacies 
That trip on the existential drip 
Of lyrics lost to pens without ink 

Of wine glasses, filled to the brim 
And bags of freedom 
Found between sirens fingertips 

Of desire for change 
Out of habits that just stay the same 
And cycles that repeat...

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1941

 

Before the war, Dad would snore

After his shift & a few beers

On the floor, on the couch

The big, lazy slouch

 

Mam would just roll her eyes

(Give him a sly dig)

Clootie pudding on the table ready

For when his eyes opened slow & steady

 

He never spoke of 'The Great War'

Of which he had scars to bare 

But sometimes his eyes would well

In rem...

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When she folded into herself

You all looked away

When she unraveled

You all watched

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28.09.21

It gets better, 

a friend once said

You’re not a bad person 

Shouldn’t wish you were dead 

 

Everyone is their own worst critic, 

He said to me 

And when he needs an ear, 

I listen intently 

 

We swap stories, 

One back and one forth 

Lighten the load, 

Keep each other on course

 

When friends are down 

I feel it too

When people are sa...

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The phantom of the past is a memory of the day that were loat in flame of understanding an love an grief 

the phantom of the past is a shadow the haunt you from the memory you never let go of 

the phantom of the past is a poison of the few an many thing that are hard to swallow 

the phantom of the past is a keeper of learning through the ashe of mistake an power of it hold you to 

the ...

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We didn't know it was all in our mind.
We didn't know we were being unkind to ourselves.
How we let ourselves get bad.
We didn't know that we were cruel
To ourselves.

Why couldn't we forgive our own mistakes,
Like we did the ones that others made?
We never practiced self-defence,
Unless it was to wrap us round in chains.
Why couldn't we be good
To ourselves?

We didn't mean to hurt...

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15.03.21 

I'm in my body for tonight 
Present in my head 
And my fingers and my toes 

But what of when the tide turns 
And we shift into dissociated states

Clinging to anything that gets me away from me
Holding space for anything that is an escape 

I'm in my body for tonight 
But tonight is not forever 
So enjoy is while is lasts 

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27.07.20

I am a shattered vase 
Pieces picked from the floor 
And placed back together.
Sharp broken shards 
Holding on with everything I've got
Just trying to keep the water in 
Pretending I'm in tact 
Not a shattered broken thing 

From afar I'm a vase 
Unlike any other 
Proudly displaying flowers of many kinds 
But get too close and you can see my cracks
Try to touch me and you ...

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05.05.2020

I can feel you're scared. 
Anxiety a rubber band wound tightly around your heart 
Dread like nails pinning down your feet where you stand 
Despair, sitting in your stomach, churning evermore 

You carry sadness around on you 
It poisens your words 
Flattens your hair
Wrinkles your clothes 

The sad stench of it radiates through your pores 
And if I can take it away, 
If I...

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25.03.20

When your brain is used to trickery 
It eats itself alive
Deceit is all you know 
And the way you have survived 

Be vigilant with friends
And vigilant with foes 
On guard for lies so constantly 
Analysis in tow

Are they truthful in their words?
Your brain it analyses
Putting piece and piece together 
A puzzle it disguises 

There's a slip says your mind 
Some evidence...

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Walking through summer snow, where who knows, wind just blows, on my way
I stray off, run amuck, find myself stuck until tide lifts me, bereft of care
Caught in my own snares, all these damn tires are patched up spares
Movements at night with silence scared, no one dared to ask why, prepare yourself to die
Tears cried over nothing's things, compressed piss between mattress springs
Life wields...

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It’s all a clue.

I’m the singular factor:

a catalyst,

a cosmic,

reactive component.

God and I have an understanding about truth.

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hurting, melting, head caving
my head so broke inside
trying to hold it together
but i feel so far from fine

suffocating, shaking, heart racing
my body responds in fear
trying to reason with myself
though it doesn't help it clear

aching, receding, soul's numbing
my mind is shutting off
trying to hold onto reality
but i feel so very lost

falling, stalling, chest pounding
my soul'...

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SMASH!

Every time the glass of your skull

Crashes into the fist of another memory

To crush you where you stand

Because another memory has broken you

Because another memory has entered you

Like intruders, they force their way inside

They punch their way into your attention

They invade your heart

Until you must look at them

All so that they can violate you again

They...

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I feel more and more like broken glass

as each day has gone pass.

I try to stay strong

while everything goes wrong.

I don’t wanna upset them,

they think that I am as beautiful as a gem.

Why can’t I see myself as they see me?

Why must I lack so much glee?

 

I need my friends to make me happy,

because without them I feel so sappy.

I hate that I must admit that I’m no...

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I don’t wanna be here

and that may be hard to hear.

I’m sorry for always letting you down

because when I do, it makes you frown.

It’s become second nature to fake a smile,

because being happy is the new style.

 

I hate it when we argue and fight.

I hate it so much, it makes me cry at night.

I think I’ve run out of tears

from crying all these years.

I cry in the car...

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How can one love someone when one can't love themselves.

 

Love was never anything they ever gotten or actually felt.

 

No one to ever check on your heart to make sure it was upkept.

 

From a child you held on to this misery & it crippled your health.

 

Afraid to talk about to family, & even friends, & too much pride to get help.

 

The buil...

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I put my head on the pillow and drift off….

 

Shiva sweeps aside the remnants of yesterday:

Gains, strivings, losses and ambitions

Clearing the table for tonight’s game

Flanked by greater and lesser angels and demons.

 

I’m lost in dreams while a silver ball spins against the

roulette wheel of my soul.

Each number an affection, a state of being

randomly selected for t...

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The natural order of things isn't always in our favour.
A pre-historic and historic truth much harder to see in modern times
When all the obvious imperative threats are gone or tamed.
But imperative threats are healthy, 
Preventing our mind from twisting around a thousand minor matters
Which it never was designed to do and never should
Unless we can evolve our minds or methods.

The natura...

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Weave me into your joyous network cruelly
Entombed in humming cables spooling
All the edges are skewing
Hooks luring in the dark
Fatal spark ends transmission
Good intentions, outweighed by outcome
Harvesting doubt under hot sun
Can't hide, can't run

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They come to me when things are still

And leave me without choice to hear

The things I've heard and know too well

Of tired topics,

To be clear

I, myself and just the ears

Without chance to think, or speak

It seems all I do is overhear

Their endless banter of 

Self critique

Seldom, do I have a moment

For myself

Today, for instance 

Was particularly loud

Who...

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