I’ve been sitting on the precipice of this

For a while

Unsure how to express my feelings

When I don’t know what I feel

You see 

I’m hysterically nonreactive 

I’m worryingly unworried 

A switch 

From nothing to everything 

Because - like Whitman -

I contain multitudes

Many great thrashing waves

Like creatures 

They slip through nets

Can’t be caught 

They...

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When she folded into herself

You all looked away

When she unraveled

You all watched

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Maybe if people had learnt
to let me come and play,
I wouldn’t be sat here,
playing with the chemicals in my brain,
in overgrown grudges
and hand me down trauma,

a murder on the playground,
a dozen years in the making.

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I fear once again,
my bitten tongue has cast me out
amongst the swarm, as wasps
land on my lips:
a mistaken stagnant flower,
that does not flutter
in objection, to what strikes
fear & discomfort,
into my heart.

& thus, I lay here lifeless,
on the pollen grass,
a murder most foul,
committed,
by the silence of my despair.

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The postman came this morning,
the rattle of his letters falling through the door,
passing as my only real engagement with the world,
as I hollow out the envelope,
and scan the contents in eager anticipation,
hopeless in my pursuit, in this endless waiting game
for 10am’s rattle and clank,
to clutch in my purpling hands,
an eviction notice for the trepidations in my head.

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05.05.2020

I can feel you're scared. 
Anxiety a rubber band wound tightly around your heart 
Dread like nails pinning down your feet where you stand 
Despair, sitting in your stomach, churning evermore 

You carry sadness around on you 
It poisens your words 
Flattens your hair
Wrinkles your clothes 

The sad stench of it radiates through your pores 
And if I can take it away, 
If I...

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     Everything is going wrong.
     Or everything went so wrong
     I can't tell
     If it stopped and I didn't notice,
     And I can't tell
     The problem.

Everything is just nothing now.
Or everything was so much nothing,
I can't see
That there's any difference now,
And I can't see
Solutions.

               Everything is tumbling down,
               Or everything is built...

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the sun lay beating on my breast

warm rays of sunshine pierced my skin

but i do not dare let them in

my life is empty

i am cold

from all the stories in my head

the past it haunts me through the night

with fiery flames it burns me

the shadows from once where there was light

creep across my skin

sinking deeper and deeper within

i fight and scream but nothing gives

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The master behind my own downfall,

A slave to my eerie thoughts.

Wondering if I can break free and stand tall. 

The side they never talk about in sports. 

The minds weathered to achieve anything, 

But fear clouds my judgement. 

Disappointment builds up and the storm starts readying, 

Now caught up in the cyclone of my own cynical thinking.

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hurting, melting, head caving
my head so broke inside
trying to hold it together
but i feel so far from fine

suffocating, shaking, heart racing
my body responds in fear
trying to reason with myself
though it doesn't help it clear

aching, receding, soul's numbing
my mind is shutting off
trying to hold onto reality
but i feel so very lost

falling, stalling, chest pounding
my soul'...

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Got that Bob Marley “every little thing” playing in my head. 

Whilst thinking about all those whose belittled me, replaying what they said. 

My emotions wreaking havoc, and it’s starting to spread.

Infected with anxiety whilst living in this dread.

Feeling like the only cure is the liberation of being dead.

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Her universe was split into a mass of struggles and compressed emotions within an sunken space. 

The collisions of depression and anxiety grew stronger forming dark energy made up of misery; it’s high density crushed happiness quicker than the speed of light.

There were once stars in her eyes, shone brighter than any quasars, but it burned away creating the black hole in her being, leaving...

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You say I am a good person,
They say I am a bad one,
Forgetting that I am just a human being,
Just being what I am now.

Change is unstoppable, just like the flow of water,
People change, so does life,
Making sad almost all the time.
They say you are the one with wisdom,
I can only see you as the one with regret.

"Life is beautiful" as you state,
So why it becomes so hard living like ...

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I feel more and more like broken glass

as each day has gone pass.

I try to stay strong

while everything goes wrong.

I don’t wanna upset them,

they think that I am as beautiful as a gem.

Why can’t I see myself as they see me?

Why must I lack so much glee?

I need my friends to make me happy,

because without them I feel so sappy.

I hate that I must admit that I’m no...

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I don’t wanna be here

and that may be hard to hear.

I’m sorry for always letting you down

because when I do, it makes you frown.

It’s become second nature to fake a smile,

because being happy is the new style.

I hate it when we argue and fight.

I hate it so much, it makes me cry at night.

I think I’ve run out of tears

from crying all these years.

I cry in the car...

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It feels like the world has stopped in its usual tracks. Evidently deepening all existing cracks.

Prior acceptance to daily life is altered. Causing vibration to all that was taught to us. 

The new is the unknown and previous certainty a distant memory. 

A memory of which we fight and clutch tight too. A faded interpreted dream, our only prayed for virtue.

I feel a inhumane pres...

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