I felt you close, inside my chest
I felt your presence, next to mine 
You came with me for a year

I heplessly tried to ignore you for the first months
Endlessly distorting my mind and body to thumping BPMs 
Spewing words out into the air, so that they would stain the silence
I would still hear you as I looked out at the trams, moving across the city in the night
I would feel your shoulder...

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The room at the back of my brain is where I run to 
The room at the back of my brain is where I barricade myself

I found it as a child
I found it as they kissed my face and handled my body
I found it as I lay there still, waiting for it to end

I began to decorate it when I understood shame
I hung up lyrics on the walls, the first time I was left out 
I moved a sofa in when they returned...

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Everything hurts
I can't look up 
I can't look down
I am stuck inside

I am stuck behind my walls 
Closed off
Safe
I am otherness
never able to fully join in 

I know you won't love me 
So I will never let you even try
I will speak for you
I will act everything out for you
So that you can't really see me 

I am sorry what did you say?
I was busy isolating myself 
I was busy bera...

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I lean back and close my eyes

The light in the room retreats as the door shuts

Leaving us in swimming in darkness

I don't know where you are

But I can feel you

I can feel your heart beating ripples into the air

My knees sway like long grass in the night 

Waiting for you

You stalk me like prey

Inching closer 

Watching me

You're so close now 

I...

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As the illusion shatters around me

As the dust melts away into reality, I realise

I realise like everytime before, this wasn't real 

Everything you said to me wasn't real 

Everything I felt was real

Every moment we shared I managed to translate incorrectly 

Each look misjudged 

Each smirk misread 

Each nudge misinterpretated 

'I never liked you' 

'I never li...

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I can smell her on you
I can see her in the wrinkles of your shirt
I can feel her on your skin 

I want you to love me like her
I want you to look at me like that
I want you to feel that way about me

You don't love me
You don't see me
You don't want me 

You say I am too much
You say I am not enough
You say I am not her

We won't work
We don't belong together
We aren't anything

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My wound is dark
My wound is deep
My wound is disasterous 

My wound comes everywhere
My wound won't heal
My wound is my nightmare

My wound bleeds 
My wound cries 
My wound is infected 

My wound hurts
My wound seeps 
My wound wripped further

You can't see my wound 
I can feel my wound 
Nobody cares about my wound 

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Tick Tick Tick
You're leaving
You're leaving me alone
You're leaving me lying here
You're leaving me with the memories 

Tick Tick Tick
I slowly return to my body 
I slowly start to feel my skin again
I slowly feel the bruising on my lips begin to swell
I slowly start to feel the shame seep into my body

Tick Tick Tick
I lye there thinking of you
I lye there thinking of them all
I l...

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All the anger
All the rage
That you filled me with

You took my body 
You took it for your satisfaction 
You took it for your enjoyment 
I didn't know what you were doing

You told me we were playing a game
You told me it was normal 
You told me I would enjoy it 
I some how knew I wouldn't

You were older though
You knew best

You kept returning over the years 
You kept bringing ...

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I don't know what makes me so untouchable
I don't know what makes so unlovable
I don't know why

Every advance, challenged
Every feeling, negated
Every love, lost

I try to be strong
I try to be complete
A full perfect circle

But if this were true, it wouldn't be this hard
It wouldn't be this hard to be seen
To be heard
To be felt

Instead I listen to the awkward sound of someone...

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The corners of your lips cause my insides to melt
The shape of your eyebrows make my knees wobble
The hairs on your chest whip me into a state of frenzied madness I think I am going to burst

I just want to be in your presence all the time
I want to float next to you through life
I want to roll over and hear you breathing in the morning
Peer at you through one eye over my pillow
I want to ...

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You walk in the room and my stomach drops

falling for what feels like minutes 

twisting and turning in the air

till it lands with a large thump, all knotted and stretched.

Everytime.

My pupils dart across my eyes like metronomes as I try not to stare.

As the party dances around the house, I try to etch closer. 

I will myself to speak, I will myself to blend in. So I drink, hop...

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