You hold my hand and I wonder

Was the sun always this bright?

Did the breeze always feel this gentle?

Has the water always been this calm?

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I am drifting through the world and

I am getting older.

I woke up being twenty today

But when I fell asleep last night I was only fifteen.

And you held me in your arms

And told me that things get better

That this is not permanent.

And you were right.

I woke up today with nothing

But yesterday I had you.

Did you know?

Did you know it was temporary?

Yesterday I wa...

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Mom, can I sleep a little more?

My eyes are heavy and my feet ache

And I feel a pulsing in my chest that is getting worse

But I don't know if it's the coffee or the insatiable hunger to be loved

Mama, I'm lost.

I work myself until I cannot carry my own voice

I work until the only thing I see are blurred lines of undefined past, present, and future

Mommy, I'm tired.

Can you ...

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The leaves are falling again

And my hearts still blue

So I beg September will

Make me forget you

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I reach for my own hand,

But I cannot seem

To grasp it.

I search for my face in the mirror,

And find a stranger

Looking back at me.

I wonder if I'll always be chasing

Someone

That is just out of reach.

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I have buried myself into the earth

Forced myself through the weeds and roots

I let the red clay mold me into something I do not recognize

I tell the trees that I need this

I need to be twisted and transformed by the dirt

To be embraced by the bugs and the rotting

But I yearn for the warmth of the sun

I want to run my fingers through the ocean

And be intertwined with the wi...

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You looked at me

Like I was worth holding

Yet you never

Reached out your hand

You never

called out my name

And I've been waiting

This whole time

I've been waiting

For you to see me

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The sun could swallow me up

And I would not complain

It would heal me of everything

And take away all the shame

The roots could pull me down

And anchor me down strong

But I would not say a word

For I could finally belong

Among the trees and the wind

I find myself yearning

To sway and to shift

So the world could stop burning

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My aching is collecting dust,

Hidden away in the place I buried it.

I tell myself I do not miss it,

That I do not want it back.

But there's something in me

That reaches out toward it.

That breathes in and breathes out,

So the dust blows away.

I don't want my pain

But I feel it is a part of me.

I would not exist without it.

I would not be whole

without ...

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I told you that I count the stars

And you said I'd always be counting

Because the stars are infinite

I think that maybe I could be infinite too

I could be bright and shining and warm

I could be the light someone else follows

And I go to tell you but

You are dim now

And it is dark

And I pray to God that it won't always be like this

I pray that the night won't swallow m...

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I blinked and you were here

Sprouting into my life

Like it's the easiest thing

You've ever done.

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I realized this wouldn't work

When you called my name 

And for a split second

I couldn't breathe

Or when you looked at me

With those eyes

And I didn't want to look away

I realized I liked you too much

 When I thought about you all night

And I fell asleep thinking about 

All the things I did wrong

All the things I did that made me

Not enough for you.

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I want someone to look at me

Like I'm a dying flower

I want them to see how pitiful I am

With dried out leaves

And a broken stem

And my yellow petals falling to the ground

I want them to see the other flowers beside me

The flowers that face the sun

And sing with the wind 

The ones that dance with life

Instead of fight it

I want someone to see them 

And to see me...

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I grew up wishing for the things you have

And I tell myself that one day

I'll have all those little things

I'll have blueberries for breakfast and

I'll look out of my bay window to see

The white picket fence that surrounds my yard

And beyond that I'll see the sunrise and

Hear the birds chirping and 

I'll be awake and alive and 

I won't be scared of anything

I won't be...

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My Mother is a broken vase

And I was born from the shattered glass

I am a sharp, edged piece of her

And I have tried to mold myself

To be smoother, kinder

To be worth loving

Because I fear if I remain the way I am

I will be cut by the same blade that gave me life

And I will bleed out until the only thing left of me is sand.

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Why does one feel with the moon,

Hidden at day and awake at night?

Why does one sing a tune,

Of all that is sad and full of spite?

Why hold on to goodbyes

And keep a sour mood,

When by all the time that flies

You could have been renewed?

O, know that in my mind you fill

And you will always occupy my heart.

So that when the world for me grows still,

Of my soul you w...

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My bra has loose threads

And my hair falls out so much that I have to pull clumps out of my hairbrush

And my acne isn't getting better even when I wash my face every night and every morning

I forget to make my bed sometimes and I forget to pray to God.

And when I do pray I don't know if it changes anything

Because when I was little I prayed for strength and love and family

And Go...

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If one day I wake up

And I find you beside me

I think maybe I would hold your hand

I think I would tell you that I am lonely and afraid

And I would tell you I've felt like this since you left us

I'd tell you that no matter the day, or the hour, or the minute

I feel the aching hole you left behind in the young girl who adored you

I feel the hate, and the anger, and the sadness,...

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Why is it always like this? 

Why do I so often find myself alone in a crowd?

Looking this way

That way

But never finding anyone to embrace

Or to catch up with

Or to just say hello

It has to be something wrong with me right?

This can't just be coincidence 

It happens too much

And each time it hurts the same

If not more

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I see a small field.

A flower stands alone there.

It looks at me, too.

I ask it a question now,

But all I hear is silence.

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I wait patiently for you

Because that's all

I ever learned to do.

But I also learned

To breathe in

And to breathe out.

Yet here I am in your presence,

Completely winded.

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I look for you in other people

In her and him and them and us

I look for you in glances and in between words

In anger and laughter and tears

I look for you in other things

In a campfire or painted nails or the way I cross my legs

I look for you in a closed door or a sink full of water

In shoelaces or tractors or that one rooster I saw on the side of the road

I don...

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I brace myself against the wind

I hold tight to the blades of grass

But the wind is too strong

And I am too heavy 

I bury my feet in the ground

I find the roots and don't let go

But the soil is loose

And the tree is dying

I lock eyes with the sun

I sing my praises to the moon

But it's too bright

And the moon is tired

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i am

afraid

that if i

know

someone i will not

stop loving them. (why do i fear

the open tides. why are oceans

dark and mysterious.)

*Inspired by Jamie Oliveira's poem named Erosion*

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Who are you?

Oh how mysterious you are

I wonder what things you like

And what you do day to day

I wonder if you put

Honey in your tea

And if you like yellow daisies

And watching the sunset

I wonder if you like fall

Or maybe the springtime

And if you like to read

What books do you prefer?

I wonder if you see me 

Looking at you

I wonder if I c...

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My camera is blurry and I can't breathe

I see people passing by and I think maybe I should talk to them

But then I don't and they're gone and I'm alone again

But it's my fault that I only talk to shooting stars 

And it's my fault that the rippling waves don't move for me

And I know maybe I should try harder and be better but I'm so used to having no one and nothing

And these days...

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The time we spent picking blackberries in the backyard

And collecting spring onions and waiting for that strawberry bush to bear fruit but it never did

Or rolling downhill and getting rashes and making beds out of hay

There was a time where we swam until we couldnt see through the dark

Or ran until we couldnt breathe but we kept on running because we were scared if we stopped the happy...

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I can't feel the weight of you anymore

The heavy feeling of emptiness no longer pushes on my chest

But every so often

I'll think of your hands

One on the steering wheel

The other in mine

Every so often

I'll hear your voice

Loud like falling timber

But soft like rain

Every so often

I'll see your face

Faded slightly in my memory

But handsome all ...

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You told me I could

So I flew

You said I should

So I left

You knew I would

So I did

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To keep memories:

Hold them tightly to your chest

And feel the aching

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I would give you the sun

To make you happy,

And buy the moon

To help you sleep.

I would steal the rain

If you were thirsty,

And share the wind

To help you breathe.

I would grow you trees

If you were lonely,

And pick you flowers

So you'd feel pretty.

I would do anything

To be with you always.

I would never blame you

For something that...

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Call out to me again

Say my name

Remind me 

That I exist

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I flew on a plane

For the first time last week

To Dallas, Texas

When we lifted off

I almost teared up

At the view of the world below me

Where the trees were green

And rivers flowed

Where clouds were fluffy and white

And rainbows filled the sky

I am so incredibly grateful

To see our world at an angle

Where I could appreciate the smallest things

...

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I created a world

Where you were here

Holding me still

Despite it all

The world is coated in fallacy

And dumb hope

and lost love

And grief

So much grief

The world is yellow and bright

And filled with stars

And surrounded by flowers

And it holds all that is good

All that is beautiful

The world, I know,

Is not real

For how could anything...

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After my graduation

I walked around and waited for my family to come and find me

And It felt oddly familiar

Standing alone in a crowd 

Where everyone was being 

Embraced and hugged and together

It is an empty feeling

That was the epitome of my high school experience

And I felt like maybe I was not ready for the world just yet

I was scared to begin my life

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Yesterday it rained like the sky

Held all the sorrows of the world

And had finally released them

Onto the black pavement 

How could sorrow be so beautiful?

The raindrops hit the ground and I felt

Like the world exists so that we may view 

The beauty that is rain and sky and clouds

I stepped out into the pouring tears

And could feel the water cling to me

Like...

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Clear skies and sunny days

Tall trees and retro shades

The smell of BBQ in the air

The joys of spring we shall share

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I realize now that love

Should not be painful

Nor should it be given

To those who do not deserve it

I realize now that life

Is short and fast

So I should be happy

With the time and people I have

I realize now that I'm

Only a person

But I am so complex

And beautiful and alive

I realize now that we

Are all struggling to live

But we are all tog...

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I called you last night.

"Hello?" "Hello.."

I wish I could have replied.

I would have said "I love you"

Or maybe even "I hate you"

I miss you so much it hurts.

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I'm not sure

How relationships work

Or what to say

When you tell me I'm pretty

I know nothing

Of the cues,

Hints, and meanings

You put behind your words

I don't know how to tell

If the look you give me

Is of disinterest 

Or shyness

I have no idea

How anything works

Or how anything stays

So, why don't you teach me?

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I yearn for something

I can not yet touch or see

I yearn for something

That does not belong to me

I yearn for it like rain

On a hot summer day

I yearn for it like children

Who wish their father could stay

I yearn to be the future me

Who has everything I want

I so desperately yearn to be

Everything I am not

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Forgetting someone is slow

Like dirt being washed off you 

As you bath in a river and

It all flows downstream

You forget their voice

And the way their mouth moves as they speak

You forget the way they walk

And how fast they could run while you tried to keep up

You forget the music they like

And how beautifully they could sing

You forget the way they smile

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Ask me where I come from

And I'll tell you about white cotton fields

And honeysuckle vines that cling

To rotting wood fences

Ask me where I am

And I'll describe a lonely, sunken house

Resurrected by a lonely, hurting family

With nothing left but eachother

Ask me where I'll go

And I'll say somewhere, anywhere

But here in this empty town

Where memories make...

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Today the world is gray

The clouds hang drearily in the sky

They threaten us with heavy rain

The coming of a storm is nigh

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I love the sky in all its hues

All its yellows, reds, and blues

The break of dawn, the setting sun

The colors of a life begun

I love the flowers and the trees

The way they sway in the breeze

The blooming buds and prickly stems

Will make me happy 'til the end

I love the water, gently drifting

Just the sound of it is uplifting

The oceans and seas, ponds and la...

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And in the end,

We sailed away

On different paths

One Autumn day

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I remember you, 

And recall what life was like.

Is this all I've got?

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In the absence of you

I have found myself

Tucked away in a corner

On the highest shelf

Covered in cobwebs and dust

I sat there all alone

And waiting to be seen,

I wished for a life of my own

When you had gone away

I decided to look up above

And saw myself sitting there

Just a person who deserved to be loved

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Take me to your garden

With flowers of red and violet and yellow

The lilacs and daisy's are waiting for me

Beyond this wall of sorrow

This great big stone wall with overgrown moss

Moss grown from pain and boredom and betrayal

Why is it that moss grows on damp places?

Why does it cloud my vision and crawl on my face?

I've scraped and pulled the moss away

But it ...

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I used to pick little flowers

Out in the backyard

They were scattered here and there

And finding them wasn't too hard

I'd gather a bunch

Then sit in the grass

I'd pluck the petals out

Carefully, as though they were glass

"He loves me, he loves me not"

I'd repeat the saying

And when I got love

I'd smiled and continue playing

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