I am drifting through the world and

I am getting older.

I woke up being twenty today

But when I fell asleep last night I was only fifteen.

And you held me in your arms

And told me that things get better

That this is not permanent.

And you were right.

I woke up today with nothing

But yesterday I had you.

Did you know?

Did you know it was temporary?

Yesterday I wa...

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Mom, can I sleep a little more?

My eyes are heavy and my feet ache

And I feel a pulsing in my chest that is getting worse

But I don't know if it's the coffee or the insatiable hunger to be loved

Mama, I'm lost.

I work myself until I cannot carry my own voice

I work until the only thing I see are blurred lines of undefined past, present, and future

Mommy, I'm tired.

Can you ...

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The leaves are falling again

And my hearts still blue

So I beg September will

Make me forget you

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I reach for my own hand,

But I cannot seem

To grasp it.

I search for my face in the mirror,

And find a stranger

Looking back at me.

I wonder if I'll always be chasing

Someone

That is just out of reach.

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I have buried myself into the earth

Forced myself through the weeds and roots

I let the red clay mold me into something I do not recognize

I tell the trees that I need this

I need to be twisted and transformed by the dirt

To be embraced by the bugs and the rotting

But I yearn for the warmth of the sun

I want to run my fingers through the ocean

And be intertwined with the wi...

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You looked at me

Like I was worth holding

Yet you never

Reached out your hand

You never

called out my name

And I've been waiting

This whole time

I've been waiting

For you to see me

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The sun could swallow me up

And I would not complain

It would heal me of everything

And take away all the shame

The roots could pull me down

And anchor me down strong

But I would not say a word

For I could finally belong

Among the trees and the wind

I find myself yearning

To sway and to shift

So the world could stop burning

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My aching is collecting dust,

Hidden away in the place I buried it.

I tell myself I do not miss it,

That I do not want it back.

But there's something in me

That reaches out toward it.

That breathes in and breathes out,

So the dust blows away.

I don't want my pain

But I feel it is a part of me.

I would not exist without it.

I would not be whole

without ...

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I told you that I count the stars

And you said I'd always be counting

Because the stars are infinite

I think that maybe I could be infinite too

I could be bright and shining and warm

I could be the light someone else follows

And I go to tell you but

You are dim now

And it is dark

And I pray to God that it won't always be like this

I pray that the night won't swallow m...

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I blinked and you were here

Sprouting into my life

Like it's the easiest thing

You've ever done.

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I realized this wouldn't work

When you called my name 

And for a split second

I couldn't breathe

Or when you looked at me

With those eyes

And I didn't want to look away

I realized I liked you too much

 When I thought about you all night

And I fell asleep thinking about 

All the things I did wrong

All the things I did that made me

Not enough for you.

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I want someone to look at me

Like I'm a dying flower

I want them to see how pitiful I am

With dried out leaves

And a broken stem

And my yellow petals falling to the ground

I want them to see the other flowers beside me

The flowers that face the sun

And sing with the wind 

The ones that dance with life

Instead of fight it

I want someone to see them 

And to see me...

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I grew up wishing for the things you have

And I tell myself that one day

I'll have all those little things

I'll have blueberries for breakfast and

I'll look out of my bay window to see

The white picket fence that surrounds my yard

And beyond that I'll see the sunrise and

Hear the birds chirping and 

I'll be awake and alive and 

I won't be scared of anything

I won't be...

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My Mother is a broken vase

And I was born from the shattered glass

I am a sharp, edged piece of her

And I have tried to mold myself

To be smoother, kinder

To be worth loving

Because I fear if I remain the way I am

I will be cut by the same blade that gave me life

And I will bleed out until the only thing left of me is sand.

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