Vulnerable           (november 2007)

I see you there helpless, at you’re most vulnerable.

And I am helpless to help you.

No matter how strong I am, how tough I pretend to be, I can do nothing.

I have to wait for others to come.

I have to watch you lying there, while I just stand and wait helplessly.

I can not describe the amount of pain I feel and how vulnerable I feel ...

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Dear you,

Sorry. 

I can't let you back into my life.

You can never be what i want, need, or deserve.

Sorry.

Too many times I have given you my heart.

And it was given back to me shattered, broken, bleeding, and in too many pieces to count.

Sorry.

But I can never tell you this.

Without deliverately hurting you, as much as you unknowning hurt me.

Sor...

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I expect you to leave.

I expect you to never come back.

I expect you to never look back

I expect you to leave me again.

I expect you to never say you’re sorry.

I expect you to never hurt me again.

I expect you to change.

I expect you to take care of you’re responsibilities.

I expect you to be who you’re supposed to be.

I expect you to be a mother.

I expect you to love...

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No one knows how much I want you to let me go.

No one knows how much I care for you or what you mean to me.

No one knows what its like to lie awake at night wanting you to hold me.

No one knows what it feels like when you leave me or when you come back.

No one knows what it feels like when you are not here or when you are near.

No one knows about the tears I’ve cried for you and muc...

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I’m tired of this game you like to play.

You come and go as you please.

Not giving a care to your responsibility to me or anyone else.

Counting the days or weeks until you return is heart breaking.

I expect you to go away again.

Instead of coming back stay away,

Mother!

(january 2005)

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How do you right the wrongs of the past?

It there even a way to do so?

Do you just forgive and forget?

Move on an just not talk about it?

Righting the wrongs,

So many questions.

No real answers.

How do toy move forward without fixing the past?

How do you "be" without the wrongs?

(may 2016)

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Why cannot anyone see it?

It's there for everyone to see.

The pain.

It never goes away.

It grows and grows.

And it always hurt.

The apin.

The thoughtlessly said words.

The careless actions.

Does no one notice the pain, they cause others all the time?

(april 2016)

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Pushed to far.

Unable to bend anymore.

Control of my life stripped away.

No choice in the matter.

Don't want to do it.

Too much un-said.

Too much that can't be said.

No one caring what I want.

No one caring what I feel.

No one listening to me.

Pushed too far.

Breaking apart.

Falling to pieces.

And no one cares.

... breakdown at age 20.

(may 20...

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... at being too young to understand what is going on.

... at being unable to explain what is going on.

... at the inability to express emotions correctly.

... at the why my family is not like everyone else's.

... at why my life is not like everyone else's.

... at being to young to deal with all of this.

... with people who do not understand that I do not know how to deal with li...

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Can you see the scars?

You just ripped one open again.

They are always there.

They fade at times.

But they never go away completey.

Everyone whon I have ever met has left some kind of mark on me.

The scars that are on my heart and soul.

They are hard to see.

But they are there.

If you care enough to look.

(may 2016)

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Can you see the scars?

You just ripped one open again.

They are always there.

They fade at times.

But they never go away completey.

Everyone whon I have ever met has left some kind of mark on me.

The scars that are on my heart and soul.

They are hard to see.

But they are there.

If you care enough to look.

(may 2016)

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Pain.

Always there.

Never ending.

Pain.

Emotional.

Physical.

Pain.

It is always a part of me.

It is over whelming

Pain.

Treatening to swallow me whole.

If I give in.

Can't give in, it is a trap.

It will never release me.

(may 2016)

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Bubbling, shimmering just under the surface.

Over powering.

All consuming.

Violence just waiting to be released, needing to be released.

Ugly words wanting to get out, needing to get out.

Rage so strong.

Anger for what can’t be said.

Anger for what needs to be said.

Anger for what’s been done.

Anger for what hasn’t been done.

Anger, anger, anger.

Can’t le...

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You had the chance to get to know me

And you never took it

You had so many chances

And you never took one

You’ll never know me

You’ll never know how much pain you caused me

And that you will cause me pain

All those broken promises

All the love I showed you

And got nothing in return

You where never there for me

All those times I needed you

Now, you...

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How I wish I could be numb.

I yearn to be able to feel nothing.

But I feel everything.

These all encompassing emotions.

They won’t let me go.

They’re hold is so tight and so strong.

I can’t breathe.

I need air.

But there’s nothing.

No air.

No room to breathe.

Nothing but the strangle hold they have put me in.

Oh, how I long for life to pass me by and feel nothin...

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