Just because you can play it doesn’t mean you should

I’m talking about After the Goldrush or Before the Flood

or anything by The Eagles, Paul Simon and Stormzy

Keep these artists separate from your ukulele

 

Just because you know the words don’t mean you can sing

Paul Rogers is Bad Company, leave Fields of Gold to Sting

Give Roy Orbison numbers a miss

Don’t kid yourself you’re that bloke from Kiss

 

Or John Lennon in his Plastic Ono Years

Or Bryan Ferry or Tears for Fears

it’s obvious you don’t have the skill

For Steely Dan - you can’t buy a thrill

 

Just because the crowd is old don’t meant they won’t dance

But if you insist on playing Coldplay, they haven’t got a chance

They’ll just sit and nod, exchanging knowing looks

whilst re-checking their raffle tickets

And overdue library books

 

Just because you like Country doesn’t make you Dolly

Nashville tributes 9 to 5 are a criminal act of folly

You haven’t got the larynx to give Linda Ronstadt a bash

You’re not a Coal Miner’s Daughter or Karen Carter Cash

 

At every gig it’s clear that you’re gonna find

Someone murdering a Monkees number and Sweet Caroline

But don’t get too original with your choice of song

This is no place for Joy Division and Kate Bush don’t belong

 

When watching assorted geriatrics attempt Teenage Kicks

Or a retired insurance broker do Jimi Hendrix licks

The correct response is to get up and go

Before it’s time for the Buzzcocks in the style of Manilow

 

These boots are made for walking

and that’s just what they’ll do

Come on Eileen, That’s the Wonder of you

every cloud must have a hi-ho silver lining

Give me Sunshine, not Bad-Bloody-Moon Rising

We’ve established This town is dirty and old

Folsom’s got a prison and a rhythmic railroad

Bill Haley’s gaily rocking around that sodding clock

Nothing compares to you and Crocodiles Rock

 

Just because it’s possible doesn’t mean it’s right

Kazoos don’t make a horn section,

They’re plastic and shite

Just because your ukulele came from Amazon via Lima

Doesn’t entitle you to play the Girl from Ipanema

I’m adding to my list of stuff that should be banned

One Day Like this and Sally Maclennane

If you haven’t found what you’re looking for

that’s because it’s not there

You sound nothing like Bono, and you’ve got no hair

 

Just because you can play it doesn’t mean you should

Pack your uke away now, Johnny B-Goode.

 

I started playing the ukulele and joined our small village band just over a year ago. I really never thought I would be bellowing out All Right Now at any stage in my life to a generally enthusiastic, if well oiled, audience at one of monthly gigs in the pub. Our marvellous, patient and dedicated leaders decided we should step out of our comfort zone and into the surreal world of a Ukulele Festival last week. It was astonishing. 10 bands, up to 18 people on stage at a time, of all abilities. Our band leader's post gig comment gave me the first line and the rest followed...