From the plane
your home was a small white square.
From the plane
your pool was a tiny blue dot.
From the plane
there was something by the pool
that might have been you,
though through the tears
it was hard to know. (1)
Hard to know – like you. (2)
But worth the effort. (3)
This is now 3 poems ending at the 3 indicated points - like the alternative endings to films. My personal preference is still (3).
There will not be a competition (-:
Thanks for commenting, everyone
<Deleted User> (7212)
Sat 25th Sep 2010 20:56
Dave - before I read any of the other comments I thought this is really great as it is. I like the last 2 lines a lot: if it was my poem I'd only change the title so as not to repeat your key phrase 3 times. just my 2 cents & I think it's great anyway whatever you decide.
I really like this perspective from 'the plane' - can be interpreted so many ways...
I agree that the last line should go - it's an opinion that reduces the impact of what the reader takes away.
OK - now I have changed my mind - I think.
It should remain as you wrote it because that last line can be understood from both points of view... I think ; )
Mind you, if she had a swimming pool!! You're going up in the world - in more ways than one!
I'm with: cut the last two lines because they are so out of sync with the prior stanza. IMO,the sheer physics of the receding 'form' by the pool makes 'worth the effort' sound contrived because no 'physical effort' can possibly delineate the figure; thus the connection falters. If you want the ending to be the whole point, and I think you do, ie. the Title, then, IMO, the comparison needs a bridge.
Thanks for commenting, Ann, Greg, Iz and Cate. Isn't this the beauty of WOL? I wrote the thing but never would have realised that without the last line it is a different poem and without the last two, different again.
Though I'd have probably worked out that without the last eleven it wasn't quite the same (-:
Or how about leaving out the first 11 lines?
Only joking. I think Ann and Greg are both right - but then again so are you. When I read it the way each has suggested, I get a different feeling about what has gone on.
Gregs suggestion to me makes me feel like this is the end of a broken love affair.
Ann's suggestion makes me think of the same but with the twist that the lover never really got to grips with the loved one.
Your version incorporates all that with the additional pathos of the fact that this love affair is/was of depth.
They all work. x
I agree with these two comments Dave. The distancing yourself from the scene make it a mystery which is best left to the readers imagination to solve.
I like the intense but contained feel of this.
Cate xx
I really like the economy of this, Dave, and how it leaves so much to the imagination. I would go a little further than Ann, and leave out the last two lines, to accentuate the mystery, and the overhead, long-distance perspective. For me, that would make it perfect. But I can understand if it might make it less truthful for you.
I think this poem would be so much better without the last line, leaving it hanging open. Then you may even see something slightly sinister about the "something by the pool" image. Are you crying cos you dun er in and left her by the pool even? If she (or he) is so worth the effort why the tears?
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Ray Miller
Sun 26th Sep 2010 09:06
Well, Dave, if you're asking, I think definitely be rid of the last line. I think a closing line of "Like you" would be better. Oh, and call it Plane Thinking or summat like that.