Sermo ut parietis
TALKING TO THE WALL COS THE HAND AINT LISTENING
(A FACEBOOK POEM)
How are you doing?
I’m doing nothing.
What’s going on?
Nothing.
How are you feeling?
Bored.
Why talk to me?
Because you asked.
Do you need to tell me something?
What I had for my tea.
What is the point?
To make a point.
And what would that be?
Ham, egg and chips.
So why come on here?
So I can tut
at what other people put.
Well sod off and read an encyclopaedia,
you patronising bastard.
Don’t you want to know
what I’m watching on telly?
Not till you dump the attitude.
Ok then – but I need to tell you
one last thing?
Go on then.
I’m all out of sugar
and I’m nipping to the co-op.
(SEVERAL MINCE PIES LATER)
I’m back
From where?
Out of space
Where time is measured in mince pies?
Or inches on your belt
or miles on the clock.
Who do you think you are –
Gloria Gaynor or Arthur Dent?
Well this could be co-incidental
but I have lived at number 42
in two different streets
and now live at number 4
which is only 2 away from 42
unless you make it 38;
I also have brown eyes.
Are you autistic or just a cretin?
Neither - I’m a poet
wrestling with the pointlessness
of life,
too well aware
of her own decimal place in life.
So who gives you the right
to sit in judgement
of your fellow face bookers?
Descartes.
Cogito ergo sum -
which also makes this a serious poem
on a par with Dulce et decorum est
and eminently worthy of being published.
Would that be your only reason for using latin?
Of course not. I wish to make my poetry accessible
to any 8th century scribes and scholars
still alive and looking to hook up on Facebook.
That’s enough
I charge you with being a nerd.
You have the right to remain silent
anything you say will be blown
out of proportion, spread to the
four corners of this tedious medium
and indiscriminately used against you!
Could things get any worse?
People won’t like your statuses.
Crumbs – that’s bad. What can I do to improve
my anti-social observations?
Well, Descartes also said
“To know what people really think, pay attention to what they do, rather than what they say.”
So instead of looking at what people post, I should try to imagine them hunched over their computer screens and I-phones?
Descartes also said:
‘to live well, one must live unseen’ – now piss off!
I detect much contradiction in Descartes – maybe he would have liked Face book.
Get lost!
I’m sorry – I can’t leave yet. I need to share my vision of art with you.
And what would that be?
Well far be it from me to plaster your wall with tacky shite, but I do have 3 particular favourites.
- Poverty encapsulated in a tear on the face of a child - with ragged trousers and no shoes on.
- A turban clad Moroccan woman with a jug of water on her head – in orange and russets that blend beautifully with any living room colour scheme.
- Don Quixote and Sancho Panza heading off into the distance with a windmill in the background.
Will that be all?
No – there’s my own private black and white photo collection – art in itself – guaranteed to attract plenty of thumbs up.
- Me taking a picture of me, taking a picture of me – in a mirror of course – very clever that one – even if I say so myself.
- A spider’s web with early morning dew on it – me in the background (soft focus).
- Snow melting off an evergreen tree in my back garden – with me gazing into the distance, unaware that someone is taking a photo of me.
- Dappled sunlight shining through a canopy of trees – with me silhouetted and no underskirt on (in the vein of Diana Spencer)
- The sun setting over water with a low flying bird - and wait for it – no sign of me at all – how avant-garde is that?!
Look that’s enough – now sling your hook.
But aren’t you interested in seeing the bigger picture – in me opening your eyes for you? I’ve amassed very many inspirational quotes that are just ripe for sharing…
- “Nothing is impossible. The very word itself says I’m possible!”
- “Try to be a turtle – at ease in your own shell”
- “Believe you can and you’re halfway there”
- “We can’t help everyone but everyone can help someone”
- “You can’t help everyone but you can help yourself”
I made that last one up – a kind of follow on from numbers 1-3 – not bad is it?
Look – get it through your thick skull bozo – unless you can accompany your inspirational quotes with pictures of cute fluffy polar bears skidding on ice or kittens dangling from precarious places, we just aren’t interested!
Look – don’t kick me off yet. I neeeeed Facebook!
Why?
How can I tell people I’ve fallen out with them, if I can’t de-friend them?
Try crossing them off your Christmas card list.
How can I tell friends I’m in a relationship? That I’ve met a hot, passionate man who likes children and loves ironing?
Well you’ve done it now.
Aaagh but I’ve not met him yet. I just need the right medium to tell everyone when I do!
Would that be all?
No. How will I tell them it’s over, a day later? Face book is the only place you can annihilate a person in a most public and disgraceful way – enlightening the whole world to their ‘short comings’ and shredding them of every ounce of dignity.
Why don’t you just grow up and start acting your age?
And at what age do people do that? It’s something I’ve been pondering for a while.
Have you considered closing your FB account and using twitter?
The very vacuous name puts me off. I can’t imagine Descartes ever tweeting – or anyone on twitter sharing their inspirational quotes… I like the name Facebook. It conjures up images of… of… well, of books really… .
Well how about using the Linked in networking site?
Link? I’d sooner take up stamp collecting. I’ve been on there a year and I’m still waiting to be head hunted.
No – you can’t beat the interactive nature of Facebook. Where else could you poke people, swap seeds, then tend to an imaginary farm? New age husbandry without even getting your hands dirty!
So you have the Farmville application?
Not ruddy likely. I have a patch of mud in my back yard. I could waste my time on that if I felt the need to propagate…
Right – that’s enough!
Ok then. I suppose there could be an upside to not being on Facebook.
I’d be able to see the wood for the trees in my inbox. All those exciting ‘zero insertion fees’ from ebay. The ‘more protection without penalty’ offers from Sheena at flexicover…
On behalf of the whole Face book community I’m now telling you to fuck off.
Ok, so this is the end of the road then?
Yes – you are obviously not sympathetic enough to comply with the niceties of a social networking community. Clear off!
Ok then if you are absolutely sure I can’t share my entire catalogue of youtube music with you…
Go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Walk out the door?
Hmph – let’s face it, some peeps will just never see the bigger picture…
Isobel
Thu 31st Jan 2013 20:30
Thanks for that vote of confidence Ged :))
I can be weird at times. I often see humour where others see grossness, but pathos where others see humour.
This piece isn't supposed to be reflect schitzophrenia - I haven't written that poem yet but I think it would be a whole lot sadder.
It's my attempt at satire. I am talking to the wall on FB. They've recently started adding questions like 'how are you?' 'What are you doing', 'How's it going?'. I just started answering them and then continued it into a piss taking piece.
I think Facebook is a place where people kill the time that is slowly killing them. It is full of tosh that we all trawl through, trying to find some meaning. That's about it really. Still want to keep me as a friend? ;) Thanks for taking the time to comment.
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