I tried to Fight Death.
I tried to Breathe
The life Back into my Son
When I awoke to find him
Still warm, but gone.
I failed, and Death won.
For the rest of my days
That feeling will stay
With me always.
Failure, as a mum.
I Failed to protect that little one.
I failed and Death Won.
Hi Nicky. I'll be honest, I've hung around and around this poem trying to find the right words. I think it took tremendous courage to write and share them in the first place and I couldn't possibly think how writing that is so raw, powerful and emotive could be made to have any greater impact than it already does!
Hi Nicky
I would like to have commented before but have been away. Purely as a poem this works because the form and choice of words emphasise the starkness of the content. The two lines hanging at the end seem to speak of how much at a loss you must have felt and how abrupt the devastating intrusion must have been.
As others have said, one can only enormously admire your courage in sharing this.
<Deleted User> (5646)
Sat 26th Sep 2009 11:26
I'm much the same as others with regards to first person etc...
I have found on my own poetic trail of discovery and learning that the majority of poems written in the first person is 'taken' to be personal experience of the writer.
If a writer doesn't mind what the reader knows or thinks they know from the content, then it makes little difference to the poem but can make a difference to the type of comments you will receive. I guess you should do what feels right for you Nicky on this one. If and when it feels right for you is the key.
Interesting reading other peoples comments.
Janet.x
You are probably struggling with a title for this becauseit is something that should never have happened - hence the poem that should never have been. I understand exactly where Darren is coming from with his advice. The poem is so raw that it hurts to read it and the reader feels like a powerless intruder. I am of the opinion though that certain poems, once written, should be left alone - they are as they are and it feels almost like a violation to mess about with them. When and where to use 1st and 3rd person is a useful thing to consider though and certainly something you might like to think about for future cathartic poetry. When you use 3rd person it does seem to attract more readers - possibly cos they are less embarrased by talking about the emotions you have raised - so much easier when you can put distance between you - as Darren commented.
I have toyed with the idea of Darren's, of maybe transferring this piece to the third person, and at present I cannot find the 'want' within me to do this at the present time. Maybe at some point in the future I will, and out of sheer curiosity. It would be interesting to hear your opinions on this as I am generally of the school of thought that believes that a moment, a thought , an expression of emotion, or an idea captures a moment or a certain point in time That may be, a second, a minute, a day, a week, a month, a year or even an era.
And I have been troubled with giving it a title, I cannot dredge up anything that I feel fits, so, It remain ' the poem that was never mean't to be( or should never have been) a poem'.
I feel humbled by the constructive and heartfelt feedback that I have received. And those of you who have previously commented on the pieces that I have offered, know that I like to respond to everyones comment.
Taking me a little while at the moment, because I delve into your poetry.
Hi Nicky
Just marks on a page (or screen) right?. No... These marks can grow and fight and scream and learn and heal and ... who knows.
Thank yourselves for posting. Win x
a heavy hitter that's for sure.. i enjoyed this - did leave a nasty taste at the end thou but that was on purpose.. brave stuff!
You don't get much more raw or poignant than this Nicky. I'm lost for words.
Isobel x
Very poignant - to describe the feeling of helplessness at the time. How do you think about it now?
darren thomas
Fri 25th Sep 2009 15:30
In light of your comments then Nicky...
This is written in the 'first person' (for obvious reasons) but I'd consider substituting the 'I' for 'she' and altering all the other personal pronouns accordingly.
I sometimes feel that the 'I' in poetry can alienate some readers who prefer to form an association, or, in some cases, an empathy with what is being said. Not always - but sometimes.
Thanks everyone for the feedback.
I feel the need to just mention - thanks Dave - that yes this is an autobiographical experience, but I welcome any comment and crticism be it about the content form or emotion. So please do not be put off by the subject of the poem that was not meant to be a poem, 11 years ago, people would cross the street because they did not know what to say to me and felt awkward - I abhor that, would rather a person express an opinion rather than avoid an issue altogether
The poem that was not meant to be a poem is actually a sentence that I wrote last night commenting on Chris's work ( all except the final three lines). It is a sentence that I wrote in a moment of thought and in response to someone else's grief and thoughts upon existence that I identified with - hence no title at the moment, but does it need one?
<Deleted User> (5646)
Fri 25th Sep 2009 11:33
Ooh, this sent an icy tremor through my veins i can tell you. Agree with Anthony, to be able to focus and channel that kind of energy and feeling into something like this is very creative.
Janet.x
Hi Nicky,
I can't imagine a stronger example of pure "cathartic" poetry. I'm glad you are able to channel that trauma into creativity.
Regards,
A.E.
darren thomas
Fri 25th Sep 2009 10:50
A succinct, tragic piece penned from a writer's spirit.
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Deborah Jordan Bailey
Sat 3rd Oct 2009 11:54
you didn't fail Nicky, because you tried, you did all you could, to fail as a mum would be to not try at all, but you tried to save him as any good mum would. I am so sorry you lost your son but as no-one except another mum, I wish I could help you not to think that you failed him. You tried, you didn't walk away or abandon him, you were there for him but he'd already gone and it wasn't your fault.I think you are exceptionally brave, Deb x