I lie against you
looking up at the
pale hill of your hip.
Getting to know
the lie of the land,
familiarising myself
with your contours.
Suggested bluffs and plains
as the moon sets behind your shoulder.
Fingers wandering along new pathways.
A meander into paradise.
Slipping off the beaten track,
I know it will be a smooth journey.
No other valley so deep as this -
it’s time to take me home.
I like some of the imagery in here, the idea behind it and the lovely ending! For once I won't chime in on the cliche argument. You have made it clear in the past that your poetry stands, as is.
Wow, how nice everybody is. Regarding using "familiarising", I like it because it is a soft word, when spoken. Saying something else like "getting to know" sounds harsh, just those sharp consonants. Familiarising sounds sort of oozy, though it looks a bit long when written down. (Like this explanation!!)
<Deleted User> (7212)
Fri 5th Mar 2010 20:41
Hi Ann - this is like a "good" film which, when watched to the end, turns on the final moments & ends up being a masterpiece viewed retrospectively. brilliant!BTW - I cant agree with garside - and I've been told that exact same standard advice - but IMHO to go out of your way to avoid a "cliche" or a corny turn of phrase (if it fits) seems too contrived when (in demotic poetry/language) those simply ARE the phrases we would all use. For me it works just as it should. B
Hello Ann. I liked this, especially opening 3 lines. As pointed out, there's a few cliches creep in."familiarising" seems a long word for where it is.
Hi, yes. I know what you mean but I was trying to make what is a cliche when applied to the landscape something new when applied to a human body. That was the idea anyway. But I may think of an alternative.
i like your idea Ann and some of the images - the pale hill of your hip i like very much
would wherever possible avoid cliche -
off the beaten track
the lie of the land
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Ann Foxglove
Sat 6th Mar 2010 08:54
Thanks for your comment Isobel. Always appreciated. It makes me sound a bit arrogant, re not changing anything. Hope I don't come across that way! ;-) xx