Drinking in my local

last dullday afternoon

soft drizzle outside

nothing much happening

usual 21st c. sense of ennui

when the door burst open

and a woman danced in

spinning wheeling pirouetting 

across the floor 

up on to a table

scattering drinkers before her

eyes flashing devilment and untamed fire

the shimmer of her dress was scarlet, 

silver, pu...

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A native American, Hawkeye the Noo

Emigrated to Scotland in '72

He loved deep fried Mars bars and the odd Irn Bru

But now he knows not what to do

The mountains and plains were a wonderful yardstick

As his ancestors populated desert to Arctic

But Hawkeye he settled for a wigwam in Partick

But now he knows not what to do

He's always been proud to call Scotland his h...

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TILF

They parade down the catwalk
outside of number ten
it’s David’s new TILF army
taking over from the men
cause he’s not likely to be a winner
at next years general election
and if it doesn’t work for him
well, he’ll still have the erection
as he brings some lovely ladies
into the cabinet
because the wrinkly bastards
were as bad as it could get
so here are some ideas Dave
that ...

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Thor (He's A Jolly Good Fellow)

Another bloody immigrant
has just moved in next door -
he’s North East European
and goes by the name of Thor.
So as good old Mister Farage says
“There ought to be a law
that stops them coming here
cause we can’t take any more”.

He’s got long blonde tussled hair
and a chiselled square jaw
and he’s taking British jobs
at the local Ikea store -
yet all...

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Oh wondrous River Avon

Gurgling gently and so free

Dissecting Bradford-upon-Avon

On through Wiltshire to the sea

See the lanterns, hear the children

Watch their parents smile with glee

Once the festival has started

Please do not look for me

I'll be in the —anal Tavern

Hoping they've replaced the 'C'!

There is less than a week to go if you want to enter.

...

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Here's to all Performing Ranters

The whoopers', and the waving panters

Stuff academics licking asses

Scowling through rose-tinted glasses

Before I get my recompense

What is a 'Poet in Residence'?

A girl who writes

Lives in a tent

Is she a  'Poet With Intent'?

Let's have a workshop.

Make a bid

Then charge the punters all five quid

Liquid lunch and ...

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