Ghosts

To children, who are sore afraid
That night-time ghosts will get them:
Fear not, the monsters who will eat
Your brains at night won't let them.

Goblins

Ghosts and goblins, ghouls and trolls
From these we can't protect you.
We’re going to the Rose and Crown,
We’re going to get wrecked. You
Might just want to lock the door.
Me and your dad will be back about four.

The...

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I wrote this for my now fiance not long after we first started seeing each other after her love for cats (and her tongue in cheek insistance she was one) inspired me to start writing again, after maybe 5 years of not picking up a pen.  I recently proposed to her through a series of short poems taking us on a treasure hunt around Edinburgh looking for J K Rowling inspired landmarks, but that's anot...

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So the scents of pre cornflake sex
And post energy drink breath
Pervades the carriage like a squid squadron infusion..

Acrid lemon bleach musk cologne
Tinkly-plink-thud beats effervesce from earphones
She leans arching on the glass pane knackered
Eye-liner Rothko remastered
Her groin marine satyr
Not so lucky a bastard
She receives a sext from another torpedo piece of spam with pecs
Ni...

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Human resources -
She works in human resources.
Don't tell anyone.

Sometimes I hear those screams from her basement;
Screams like giving birth to a fully grown and functioning dentist.

Then, after the screams,
There's that familiar matryoshka doll silence.

The crooked blood leaks from her sleek harbinger mouth,
As she carries the sleek heavy-duty plastic refuse bags,
One by one,
To...

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I'm rushing below the firmament in a submarine
Pulled up by balloons 
Rocket thrusters won't work in a vacuum
The torrid plasma liquid washes over the viewing screen
And the Hubble telescope cannot anywhere be seen
This periscope doesn't recognise the space handed to us it seems..

Am I floating beneath the epidermis of a prison planet scheme
I fear this is way beyond my theosophical steam
...

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I had to write this poem 
because I thought of this one great line,
What do you think -
will it stand the test of time?

Well, I had to write it down
to deter other poets stealing this idea;
You know lines are clutched from the atmosphere,
Or they fall like apples, spill over like beer.

I had to write this poem,
Because I thought of this one great line;
Like a beat messiah,
My acid m...

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Dear all
Please take this refresher advice as a friendly reminder
Of our protocol for calling in sick
Which is  

In the first instance call the shift supervisor
Inform them why you are unable to attend your shift
Be as clear as possible
The more information the better 
We don't need to hear a blues lyric
Only the truth
This information will of course remain ...

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You're a starship powered on Xanadu nectar;
I'm a pogo stick on coal.
You're a majestic arc of the milky way;
I'm a quark in an unsold cheese roll.
Your eyes launch songbirds and sonnets;
Come fly with me on my crackling comet.

Your hair evokes the erotic scents of perfumed night bazaars;
I exude burning tyres on torched, smashed deisel cars.
Beside you a pulsar is like a sorry matchstic...

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A poem written after lunch today.

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(Inspired by Write Out Loud's discussion thread: Poem of the Week)

So
This week
It can be announced Gong-Ka-Bong
That this poem
Is Poem of the Week
Art 
Love
And a celebration of the communing with our etheric higher sense
Amen
So
Let us join together
And let the blood-letting commence

Observe the cowering bastards sit on the fence
Poets can be a vicious breed
Almost as obnoxiou...

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sort your napper out peter said,
with a name like yours that is sure to spread,
mycock sure knows what to do,
when he follows a bet all the way through.
We going to the dogs? he always asks,
but listening to mycock is just one of the tasks.

With his skinny torso and milk bottle legs,
he's got a secret little way of beating those eggs,
His big slug lips and tuna pasta bake,
yet all ...

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https://youtu.be/Qov_y6PMrw8

I'm on the Forest Gate Mystery Train,
With my burgled geranium eyes.
I'm on the Forest Gate Mystery Train,
Sighing goldfish clock sardine spies.

Spammed atomic; trolleyed marine,
Frost-buckled arms glow margarine,
Slender dolls slalom offside knees,
Capsules backslide into the stalagmite City.

Tutankhamen consortia;
Shoulder-penguins soggy cadge the dap...

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6th December

Sunday

Leeds

There was a monk
well, a former monk
and he was handing out free cups of tea
to passers-by
As he did he spoke of
Great Energies
Oneness
and letting go of material possessions.

I took him up on his offer and we conversed
but then he asked me about my job
and I ashamedly admitted that I felt down
because
I work for a corporation
but he held me in a s...

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You should have been here yesterday
Ten thousand flamingos danced all over the square
A bouquet of jasmine blooms filled the air
Golden geese spiralled a mid-air fanfare
Peace doves gently dropped ribbon boxes of chocolate eclairs

You should have been here yesterday
Billionaires gave away their mansions and wares
Rare paintings
             and rare cars 
                       with fre...

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Not sure if this one counts as a poem, but its here anyway.

Masterdebate
Presented by John Speaker

"Hi guys and welcome to the show!
The show where we aim to make debate look like adolescent banter!
Masterdebate!

"In today's game we have two teams who have entered the room blindfolded. On the right we have the blue team led by David!

"Hi David, tell us a little about yourself but wi...

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I'm going to give this context by starting off reading my old match and pof profile. This is genuinely real. 

It's always hard to know what to say on these things so I'm just going to fill my profile with exaggeration and nonsense.

I would describe myself as a cross between Brad Pitts character in fight club and a sensitive fireman who likes kittens. Overall I'm pretty awesome. Kind, in...

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I’m Leaving For A Wetter Man

“I’m leaving for a wetter man”,

your email said. My humour’s dry.

Surely you meant “Better man” or “Weatherman”.

“I’m leaving for a wetter man” -

Perhaps I should have bought a dam,

or dressed up in a puddle tie.

“I’m leaving for a wetter man” -

your email said. My tears won’t dry.

From my new collection of 'Short Funny Love Poems'

ww...

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Iain Duncan Wots-his-face
has now resigned and left a space
in Cabinet. The explanation?
Tory party machinations.
But then again, perhaps the bloke
just had enough of pigs, and coke.

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He believes her to be beautiful beyond compare

She knows him to be as slow as a brain-dead hare

He believes she is a goddess wrought in alabaster

She knows him to be a servile fool under a master

He believes her to be witty, brighter than the sun

She knows him to be one with brains next to none

He believes her to be as precious as the furthest star

She knows him to be as dumb ...

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You lived by yourself and felt so dejected

as your dating requests were always rejected.

Sadness and shame is what you projected.

You got to the point where it all was accepted.

You lived by yourself and felt so dejected,

so went for a walk when fate intercepted.

A ‘Clover’ sign fell and letters defected.

Sometimes ‘love’ strikes when it isn’t expected.

     From my forthco...

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Roses are red.

Violets are ... not red.

Hibiscus are sneaky little rascals that only bloom during that weekend when you're away visiting your parents because they still pay your bills.

I hate flowers.

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