In Dark Times

by Bertolt Brecht, translated from the German by Humphrey Miles

They won’t say: when the walnut tree shook in the wind

But: when the house-painter crushed the workers.

They won’t say: when the child skimmed a flat stone

across the rapids

But: when the great wars were being prepared for.

They won’t say: when the woman came into the room

But: when the great...

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Ghosts

To children, who are sore afraid
That night-time ghosts will get them:
Fear not, the monsters who will eat
Your brains at night won't let them.

Goblins

Ghosts and goblins, ghouls and trolls
From these we can't protect you.
We’re going to the Rose and Crown,
We’re going to get wrecked. You
Might just want to lock the door.
Me and your dad will be back about four.

The...

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The lovely gels at The Daily Telegraph Wonder Women asked me to write a poem about contraception for their ace campaign Take Back Birth Control, which encourages women to explore which contraceptive method is the best for them. So I did; it's called Chisel.

I did a video in my living room starring me and my scary cushion and you can watch the video here. I...

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Hello there. Here is a new, ridiculous poem about fannies and the joy of owning one. If you are reading this in the US, fannies means front bottom and it’s only ladies that have them.  Oh yes, I have published a real book made of paper; it's called Slightly Wrong, and it is full of daft poems. It's a bit rude. You can get it from Amazon here if you are desperate.

Fannies

Fannies arrive in al...

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I’m a big fan of Harry Graham and his Ruthless Rhymes, so I’ve written a couple of my own, although he has already written the best ones. Ruthless Rhymes are jewels of black humour and awe-inspiring callousness. Mine are just a bit disturbing, and include an iffy rhyme or two, as is my wont. I hope you like them.

AUNTY PAT

Aunty Pat had a ratskin hat

Together with a ratskin glove.

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