It’s funny how pain sneaks up on you

When you’re sitting alone at home

Thoughts going 100 miles an hour

Maybe you’re not even focusing on anything

Netflix on in the background

Scrolling through whatever pointless app

And yet the feelings still creep up on you

So strong they almost entirely engulf you

Dragging you down to their level

Forcing the pain

The overthinking

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And so it begins

Slowly pushing myself down

Into the darkness of a self dug hole

Allowing all of the bad

The negative

The shitty things to give me the strength to dig

I’m no stranger to the pain

My childhood trauma and everything after can attest

The stories I could tell

The looks I would inevitably get

The judgements, perhaps

I’m no stranger to solitude

Self ma...

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Vet med is funny

One minute your checking a puppy out after vaccines

The next minute you’re holding it all together 

Trying to be strong for the 18 year old cat

The one that was left by their owners

Left to say goodbye to this cruel world

Alone and scared

From a healthy, brand new kitten

To running a hit by car patient to the back

Trying your best to keep your composure

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It’s been a while

Maybe because I don’t want my words to somehow be found

by those who don’t deserve to read them

The thoughts and feelings I have

constantly being pushed down, by choice, so easily

Fear of judgement, betrayal, loss

Of not being understood how I want to be

Even when something seems so incredibly black and white

When you’ve taken the time to explain it, even ...

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What if this isn’t what I want

What if I’m destined for more

For someone that doesn’t take me for granted

For the amount of love I always thought I wasn’t worth

A mere 3 weeks away and I don’t know how I feel

Old, bad memories are reignited from a letter I found

The past pain of being ignored for days on end

In the space we shared, our home

I don’t know how I’m supposed to ...

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How quickly things can change

How quickly you can end up feeling so worthless

So unimportant

So invisible

In the weirdest times, even force doesn’t work

Look at me

Stop making feel like I’m not even here

Stop destroying what little confidence I have left

I would never have wanted it to be this way

But this is the way it is

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Childhood trauma

A weakened sense of self

Afraid of the judgement

Afraid of losing myself

I didn’t ask to be here

I never asked to stay

And yet each day that passes me

I’m stuck and in dismay

I just want to be happy

I don’t want to be scared

I want to wake up each new morning

Hopeful, ready, and aware

They say they understand me

I say they’re full of shit

...

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It’s been a while

Too long, even

Days and weeks

Months, maybe even a year

I don’t know where to go from here

I thought I had gotten as low as I could

And yet, the new day still surprises me

The immense numbness

The lack of feeling anything at all

Wasn’t this what the therapy was for?

Isn’t talking it out supposed to fix me?

As if, right?

When has anything been t...

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You sleep beside me yet I feel completely alone

No attempt to touch my hand

To hug my clearly crying soul

To comfort me when you know that I too am struggling

You move about the house

Not a care in the world

No good morning words

No good morning kiss

I question why I continue to do this to myself

I wonder why I put up with so much

I don’t understand why I can’t just w...

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I’m exhausted

I’m tired

I can’t be bothered to fight anymore

So instead I pull away

One day at a time

One thought at a time

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore

I don’t know who I’m supposed to be anymore

What is my purpose

Why am I here

I’m just so exhausted

And I’m just so tired

Day after day

Thought after thought

I don’t see the point

I see myself sli...

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As I stand in the kitchen
Christmas music playing in the background
String lights on the tree glistening in the corner
I can't help but feel helpless
During the one time of year where I can feel fully happy
When it is acceptable to blare the catchiest of songs
Where people exchange smiles and small gifts coated in glitter
I can't help but feel helpless
This year has been awful to say the l...

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I feel like I’m falling apart at the seams

Who am I kidding, I know I’m falling apart at the seams

I never took sewing class in high school

Ironic, isn’t it

I try to think of different distractions

Going for a walk

Writing in my journal

Having a scalding hot shower just to have some alone time where I can cry

How long do I wait before I can just let all the stuffing fall ou...

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You make me feel so invisible

So small

So insignificant

You’re supposed to be the one that helps build me up

You’re supposed to be the one that doesn’t make me hate myself

But instead here we are

Constantly dancing between sadness and anger

Repeatedly battling in silence with one another

Ignoring each other until one of us finally breaks

This isn’t how it was supposed to...

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It's like I'm moving in the wrong direction and I don't know how to turn around.
I'm aware of it and I know damn well what is happening, and yet here I am.
It's as though I am frozen, unable to actually change the situation.
It's like I'm a stranger watching from the outside when in reality it is my life that is being set on fire.
In reality they are my dreams constantly being crushed and shut...

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Born and raised in a broken home
Not broken in the sense that I didn't have a mother and a father, because I did
Broken in the sense that I never got the attention I needed
Broken in the sense that I was never properly supported while I grew up
I couldn't talk to my dad for fear of being judged
Fear of being told I'm wrong and that what I was feeling was unnecessary
Not broken in the sense t...

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Just have another drink
However many it takes to numb the pain
However many you down to try and paint on a smile
Because nobody knows your story
Nobody knows what you've gone through
What you've endured
What you've put up with time and time again
How alone you feel even in a crowded room
The countless wasted tears and self inflicted wounds
Because nobody knows
They try to feed you adivce...

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