I noticed earlier today that there were 20 (Twenty) poets logged in. I also noticed that very few were better looking than me.
Would it be possible for Admin to vet prospective and existing poets in order to cull the more ugly of you?

im sorry john but if i were in charge of looks vetting we wouldnt be having this conversation and wol would consist of about 2 people. i am a strict fascist when it comes to which features i approve of.

Rent-a-head might do well out of that, John

dave, you can be in x

OK, I suppose I could ask the techies to come up with some software for this, though I suspect that we might be looking down the wrong end of the telescope here; surely it is Mr Coopey's optician who needs to be consulted? Or a shortage of mirrors in the Coopey household might be a factor. :-)

The problem is that beauty is subjective. John may find beauty in a big fat bottom that sits on his face, whereas another poet may find beauty in a scrawny bottom that sits elsewhere. It's important not to be too judgmental on these issues John. We should all sit happily on WOL, whether we are ugly as sin or beautiful. This is an all inclusive site...

I have to take issue with you Isobel. Your assertion needs empirically testing.
In the interests of furthering this nexus of science and art I am prepared to offer my face for the big fat vs scrawny bottom experiment.
As for Julian's scandalous accusations; I will have you know that my feminine goodlooks have been compared to filmstars. I think that was what was meant by "You look like that Lassie".

Is bottom size an accurate barometer of beauty? I have known nice bottoms belonginging to those not well blessed in the facial beauty department - and vice versa. And even some where telling them apart was, to say the least, tricky. Just like some men prefer more well-fleshed legs and others the svelte variety. Personally I always go for something in between . . .

Oh Anthony - don't encourage John to go any further... give him an inch and he'll look for ten...

"You look like that Lassie" !!! I actually did that laughing out loud thing then.

Not sure how important good looks are for performance poets. The wrong sort of good looks - i.e. bland - can be a disadvantage.

What is important - and sadly, quite a few performance poets don't have this - is CHARISMA!

Mind you, for those poetry groups which choose to meet in libraries and unlicensed council premises, and which engage in soul-shrivelling "workshops" etc, I feel that neither good looks nor charimsa will matter very much.

Which is just as well, for they will be in short supply. Pip pip!

I completely understand why you feel good looks are not important, steve.

To quote the John Cleese character in, er, A Fish called Wanda(?) when talking to a Yank, it's all about bottoms with you people, isn't it? not that that's a complaint; bottom beauty is clearly in the eye of the 'b' holder.

haha i would like to discover more about the inbetween of peoples legs.
these days we never know who has what...i have seen certain devices that allow a woman to sit astride a mans face without sitting on it,cant think what they would be used for?but may be useful for the competition.mine is neither big and fat nor scrawny either...my bum is fine like peach or plum. i think isobel (as owner of another peachy bum and nice legs) should be held up as judge at next tudor, only allowing nice bums on stage. all the nasty bums can go stand near the bar and heckle as per...

Well, having just come back from Thailand I think the most extraordiary things are between some ladies legs Rach!

So says the woman with a fat bum!..and if that Isobel tells me to stand at the bar..well..ok..I shall lol

:o)

Owd up! Who appointed Isobel as judge? It's my Discussion. I'm pulling rank. (Rank).

Back off and pull as much rank as you like John boy, for I quite like the idea of judging bottoms - better than judging slams in fact.

All females should have fleshy bottoms - flat bottomed girls look like men. Nor should male bottoms be too flat - a little bit of muscle in that region being most attractive.

I'm intrigued by the contraption Rachel talks about. I wonder if that was conceived of and funded in the Dragon's Den - I must have missed that episode...

haha yes isobel me and richard farliegh invented it, he is currently using it to inspect womens bumbums down under...

i am very impressed with your attention to detail in bum appreciation x

stella - some love a dimply bum x

john...i am judge of all judges and over me there is only one authority..judge judy. so you cant argue. word.

Pick me! Pick me!

Are we talking about noses now John?

john ive been holding this in for ages but here it goes, i only joined wol to get closer to you, im the shake in the branches of your garden at 3 in the morning, cleverly disguised as a group of foxes. I dont care wat the court says, we shud be married and eat yoghurt together til we grow old.

Many thanks, kealan, but i'm afraid there is a queue.

Will judging be on a visual only basis - or are we talking "touchy-feely" here? If so I would like it to be known that I can make myself available for this duty at any time - and that I have big warm hands . . .

its touch and feel. isobel is doing all the handling of mens bums, so you can do the ladies.

categories:

the wobbelicious.
most wobbly bum

the tight packer
mostly tightly packed buns

the peach
the smoothest bottom

prize: golden bum statue.

front bum competition has been cancelled as my straddle machine is broke.

all judges must wear leather gloves.

I think it would be descriminatory to ignore the senses of smell and sound. What's the point in having a beautiful soft peachy bum if it smells rank or makes itself heard too often?

I think to judge the whole thing properly we'd also have to take the gloves off, Rach...

Perhaps we could give two scores - one with the judge blindfolded and one with the judge nose pegged.

I'm happy with the way you have decided to separate men from women though Rachel - I'd be a poor judge of women.

aha...will we be judging through pants or will it be a full moon job?

To do a proper job, one must see the complexion I think... are you limbering up to help me judge? I don't think we stand much chance of getting any of those Liverpool poets to doff off. They didn't even like the idea of a naked charity calendar - who'd have thought it? ;)

of course Is. i am happy to join in the moon judging. i think it will be fantastic with the spotlights and all.

not sure whats up with the liverpool connection, i thought they were all fond of making arse of themselves.

i shall wear my best thong and start application of peach glow bum sun tan cream as soon as to get mon derriere into form x

i will judge all the inbetweenies who are not gender specific about categories ;)

And will there also be booby prizes - or is that simply wishful thinking on my part?

bloody ell anthony well get done by indecent exposure police. actually ive met them before theyre a pretty sexy bunch, maybe we should invite them?


my golden bum statue is too precious to give away so i will bring new and wonderful things as prizes for 3 categories. i am deadly serious now folks so dont let me down now want to see your pants down on the tudor stage this january, start the new year the way we mean to carry on x

I'm going to be a party pooper now... I think bums are best left to the imagination, like most human bodies :) We could all agree to wear something skin tight instead - sometimes what you can't see is far more alluring than what you can!

ah booo i wanted to proper see some poetry bums. ah well, ill be at the bar with the usuals :(

my humblest apologies for inciting bum competitionary.

we are all as god made us perfect be and no one should feel pressured by daft poetry people like me into showing off their bums in any way.

thank goodness for a nice night of peace and poetry that is fully dressed ;)

You must admit that it has been a lot of fun imagining it though - and it's nice to know that others are just as mad cap in their ideas. We shall have to get Anthony up here one day - he's far too bawdy for Cornwall...

yes some things are best left to the realm of the imaginary. specially since you would have been on man bum duty and some of them van be a bit hairy and nasty x

You've got me biting my tongue here big time Rachel :)) I reckon we should get together at the bar and compare notes about all these hairy arses...

Or how about a 'guess the arse' photo competition? We could both be roving Tudor photographers! This is a runaway thread - there are endless possibilities...

How come we've gone from beautiful poets to hairy arses? And so quickly too!

Maybe we can amalgamate this thread with Dave's Clerihew thread?

A poetess, Mary,
Had buttocks so hairy
She just looked so wrong
On the beach, in a thong.

(Apologies to any Marys out there.)

I'll skip the "hairy category" judging if that's OK with you guys?

I'll bet a "guess the a**e competition wouldn't strain the grey matter too much at a meeting of our present coalition cabinet - especially after that Tourette's remark . . .

haha ann...beautiful poets are but hairy arses underneath after all x

isobel..i still have loads of pics of people s legs somewhere...the howcroft moved and they got lost!
arse photography much more fun x

leave mary alone she cant help it.

How did we get from beautiful poets to hairy arses?

One small step for women, one giant step for mankind...

Thank you for that contribution Anthony - now you've got my mind buzzing with anal clerihews - I'm sure that's not what Dave Bradley had in mind!

Best to put it all behind you.

Sorry Stella - I'm obviously a committed arse enthusiast!

A pro-lific poet named John,
whilst at toilet would often wax on,
writer's block was alas
a huge pain in the ass...

I went out with a girl once who made such a good burglar cos her arse rubbed her footprints out!

This is my first contribution. Is it in context?

:) This is one of those threads where context doesn't really matter. If her arse was so big she would probably have made quite a bad burglar. She would have knocked things over with it constantly - though it might have come in useful to silence the dog - if she'd sat on it.

The best-looking poets lack the
gumption
To be gasping with galloping consumption
I know that it's tough
To write so much guff
I just wish I possessed their presumption! :-)

I've just cottoned on about the thread!Sow what eye must have been doing was using the needle the wrong way round and got stiched up very badly. I can see the point now!

Ps. If she sat on the dog and it survived would it have affected its voice and turned it into a husky?

Quite possibly Mike - that or a shih tzu...

Well, I think you're all (as they used to say in Wigan) "dead far".

And I can speak with authority on matters pulchritudinous - as I am so obviously Mr Sex-on-a-Stick. That's why the many female wimmin critters on the poetry scene in Greater New Brighton are all over me like a rash. And why I daren't come to the Tudor any more.

From now on I'm keeping me hand on me ha'penny.

Oooo so you're loose change is that small is it?

haha im sorry to hear about your rash steve. i too must be careful and may bring a body guard with me next time. tis hell this adoration. if you and me stand together our respective fans can fight with each other over what it all means ;)

bumbumbumbumbumbumbubmbubmbumbumbumbumgoodwordbum.pulchritudinousnotsogood.

I knew a man who had a rash
who tried to rub it with cash
but all he had was a cheque
which didn't remove a speck.

So, to get him out of a fix
a lady offered him thrup'ny bits!

She's an arse that's one in a million
Who's recently had a brazilian
But sad for our Izzy
It's still a bit frizzy
And tickles when riding as pillion.

Steve - About the rash - Tender Misgivings.

I know! It's a lickerish and not a clerihoo.

It is no common or garden rash (well, OK it is a bit common), but technically / medically it's GROIN FUNGUS that I'm a martyr to.

Also, I break out in hives when I'm in the company of middle class people - which is why I never attend poetry events in libraries or arts centres.

So what do you do when middle class people come to the Bards of New Brighton? I mean, come on, you did abandon your native Wigan to go live on the Wirral - there must be the odd middle class person wandering round there...

John - whether or not my arse is frizzy shall remain a mystery - cos my lips are sealed... x

Isobel (I was talking to your doppelganger in the Perch pub, New Brighton last night, by the way), to answer your question "what do you do when middle class people come to the Bards of New Brighton?" ... err, well, I break out into hives, of course.

And once, when I was working as a journalist for ORACLE Teletext, I actually collapsed in a nervous sweat at a BBC media launch - because there were so many middle class people in the room.

I can't help it. Like Julie Burchill, I am of the Working Class Blood Royale.

And for your information I do not live in a posh part of Wirral - I live among the love of the common people in kiss-me-hard New Brighton.

By the way, what's happened to satire on this site? It's all gone a bit dorky.

PS Miss Rachel Bond. I think you shud change your name to Mewordzme Bond for performance purposes.

And my final word is "spiders". Fnnnarrrr!