The death throes are the most painful,
agonal breaths uttered over coffee,
silence filled with quiet recrimination and the ticking clock,
step sitting, eyes distant,
gazing at the horizon. Cold.
Chests suffused with unsaid words
head filled with unsaid thoughts,
eyes with standing water.
Heart leaping at the possibility of reprieve.
Death is dragging her heels, she will be made welcome when she comes.
Wintery but welcome.
i love this, rachel... my favourite line is 'silence filled with quiet recrimination and the ticking clock' but i really enjoyed this! top stuff x
Ah yes, agonal - of, pertaining to, or symptomatic of agony, esp. paroxysmal distress, as the death throes. great word / great poem Rachel. Win x
Good Evening Rachel
This just gets better the more I read it... superb.
Well done
Gusxx
Francine, merci beaucoup...my 7 year old is learning french at school this term and she had a really good go at translating your comment! I was going to try to reply in french too, mais malheureusement je suis crap at it! :)
Ray, there is indeed a word 'agonal' it's a medical term used to describe shallow breathing interspersed with deep gasps observed when death is close...I used to be a veterinary nurse during the holidays from Uni many many years ago and the vet used it! (life's a school!)
heads should indeed be plural...silly me!
I'm gonna leave the hyphen out I think just to be a pita but the rest is all going to be digested and used when I redraft it(tonight when the children are asleep) thanks for the input.
Rach
x
Is there such a word as agonal?Do your last breaths then become diagonal? step sitting needs a hyphen, maybe.Shouldn't head be plural also?I think you ought to end on "when she comes" giving it a line to itself, perhaps.There's a slight problem, I think, with "unsaid words" when you've already "uttered over coffee". You could solve it with a "the" before unsaid.Other than all that I thought it were very good!
J'aime les idées, Rachel, même si c'est triste, mais je suis d'accord avec Julian pour que ça soit plus intense.
xxx
Thank you both for your feedback. I agree with you both too that something needs to change with this. I really do like the suggestion of leaving out the repeated 'filled'.You have given me some food for thought , I feel quite inspired to go and make a few tweakings :)
x
As I rarely venture into these pages, I am not sure if I shall be as welcome here as death's potential arrival. But I am moved to comment by a sort of recognition of what this piece refers to.
Loved it, reminiscent of the monologue that informed a short film I had some small success with.
I love the way the poem seems itself as suppressed as the emotions it describes, with its quietness of recriminations, the unsaidedness of words and thoughts, and the static-though-ready-for-action tears.
If it were me (and it isn't, but...)I would consider removing one or two (what appear to me to be - personal opinion) superfluous words, so as to increase the sense of suppression. e.g. the word 'filled' after 'head'. And:
"eyes distant,
gazing at the horizon."
contains some duplication that could be removed.
Similarly the words "when she comes" seem perhaps superfluous: can't be made welcome if not here yet. in fact, the last couple of lines could be tightened, something like:
Wintery death, though dragging her heels,
will be made welcome.
Or not?
Not criticism, just discussion. Made me think. Thanks.
Very powerful and an accurate portrayal of that awful, botton falling out of your world feeling.
"Chests suffused with unsaid words"
particularly good. Not sure about the last line, does not sit quite right for me, though I agree you need a line there. xx
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Cynthia Buell Thomas
Thu 14th Oct 2010 10:42
This is top class, Rachel, in every way. It is a poetical jewel: universal appeal; extended idea, superb diction, almost violent imagery - to express that an emotional blow to the heart can kill you 'figuratively'.