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Unwound

All was lost on a daily basis:

she believed that there must be a thief

who was stealing for other faces

in need of spectacles and teeth.

 

The nocturnal feast was unfinished:

a weak bladder and toothless gums

left lipstick stains on the Guinness

and a trail of biscuit crumbs

 

to the Inco pad down the toilet

and a pool of piss on the ground.

The baby alarm was silent

and her knitting had all unwound

 

around a false breast on the carpet

that felt unwholesome to the touch 

and her diary with the targets

that she’ll miss so very much.

 

She liked Flanagan and Allen,

but she preferred The People’s Friend

and watching Britain’s Got Talent –

she never made it to the end.

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Comments

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Ray Miller

Thu 13th Oct 2011 12:19

Thanks, all. Some poems are very easy to write and this is one of them. I thought The People's Friend had vanished years ago, until the mother-in-law moved in with us!

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Dave Carr

Wed 12th Oct 2011 20:54

The simplicity of this gives it impact with a lot being said by the imagery. I didn't see the earlier versions but I think the tense is right as it is.
Is there a future for The People's Friend?
Dave

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Francine

Wed 12th Oct 2011 18:44

I've read this several times and it is really quite profoundly sad - to be in this state must be terrifying...

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Lynn Dye

Wed 12th Oct 2011 11:11

I agree with Laura on this one, Ray, well written and hinting at the sadness. Good one.

<Deleted User> (6315)

Tue 11th Oct 2011 20:51


Well written Ray. I know this so well having worked on the district with the elderly for quite a time..you got stuff spot on there..Incon pad down the toilet..stark.

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Elaine Booth

Tue 11th Oct 2011 19:32

Very good but so deeply sad and somehow quite unpleasant. I know the subject matter itself is likely to make a reader feel - well, it's not fluffy bunnies is it?! It is very good, Ray, but has left me feeling rather queasy. I'm sorry - not very hellpful really!

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Ray Miller

Tue 11th Oct 2011 16:47

Well, I wanted "she'll miss so very much" as the dates will be in the future.
My kids watch Britain's Got Talent too. I blame their mother.
Thanks, Isobel.

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Isobel

Tue 11th Oct 2011 16:32

Or 'that she'd miss so very much' would work also.

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Isobel

Tue 11th Oct 2011 14:31

I like the tense change. If you didn't want to stress the past tense you could make it more subtle. ie

The baby alarm now silent
and her knitting all unwound

Not sure about the other tweak. Am struggling to remember the original. I'd prefer something that flows a little better, less stuttery - probably cos I'm more of a performance poet ie.

around a false breast on the carpet
that nobody wanted to touch
and her diary with the targets
that she'd missed so very much

I get the play you are making on missed - think it works in past tense also.

These are just suggestions. Sometimes the more you look at stuff, the more you start to doubt what you just thought.... I know you won't be offended by owt though. xx

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Ray Miller

Tue 11th Oct 2011 14:08

Thanks, Laura, Steve, Isobel. You're right about the 4th verse, Isobel, there were a couple of last minute substitutions which I've amended and I've changed the tenses too. What d'ya think?

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Isobel

Tue 11th Oct 2011 13:53

A sad one Ray with lots of images that stay in the mind. I don't normally do critique but I'll make an exception for you :)

I like the first verse very much. Got confused by the change of tenses from past to present in the middle - was that necessary?

I didn't like the false breast verse - thought the last line seemed a forced.

It's a good/original subject to tackle. I often wonder who would have the patience to watch such programmes beyond my own offspring.

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Laura Taylor

Tue 11th Oct 2011 10:36

This is really sad Ray, and to my mind, really well written, not bang-on obvious but hinting around the sides sorta thing

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