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Dream

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(Time for a dirty one!)

 

 

I woke excited this morning.

You know, excited down there;

I’d dreamt of us being together,

Aroused by the scent of your hair.

 

We walked hand-in-hand so slowly

Soaked to the bone by the rain

Its rivulets streamed down your forehead

We laughed and were twenty again.

 

The street turned into a bedroom

So seamless as happens in dreams

When Fantasy may become Normal

And Ordinary’s not what it seems.

 

We lay as this was our first time

My fingers around your own curled

The moment our lips touched together

We were alone in this world.

 

Our colours of skin melded contrast

Sometimes you’d smile or you’d cry

Naked apart from your signature

A butterfly print on your thigh.

 

I saw in your eyes your past sorrow

Caressing the curve of your breast

Which hung like apples above me

The butterfly woke from its rest.

 

All time condensed to an instant

Of pain that was strictured by skin

Which felt so cruel and ecstatic

Constricting the lust from within.

 

I woke excited this morning.

You know, excited down there;

I’d dreamt of us being together,

Aroused by the scent of your hair.

◄ Quelle Surprise!

Stairlift to Heaven ►

Comments

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Nick Coleman

Fri 2nd Mar 2012 08:43

sweet dreams

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Yvonne Brunton

Thu 1st Mar 2012 00:02

A lovely treatment of the age old theme.
I like the first verse repeated at the end to remind us this is but a dream. also it seems timeless, a memory of 'when we were twenty'.Such gentle images remove this from the realm of 'dirty' into 'romantic'

For me I'd add an extra syllable to the line
'we lay as this was the first time'
I'd prefer
'we lay as if this were the first time'
the 'if' also gives rise to the subjunctive 'were' which reinforces the dream storyline

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Lynn Dye

Wed 29th Feb 2012 22:31

Very enjoyable, John. Agree with Mike's comments.

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Chris Co

Wed 29th Feb 2012 17:14

Not sure about dirty John. It feels very romantic- an evocation of love.

tactile pleasures lost in dream.

It flows beautifully.

The only part in the poem that felt a little strained (subjective) was;

Quote
We lay as this was our first time
My fingers around your own curled
Quote

To my ear that felt a bit of a stretch in terms of rhythm and meaning. Maybe in part because of the syntax of the second line?

But beyond this reservation, I think the rest of the poem is excellent in tone, music and meaning.

Also somehow it feels like you've tread into a new feel poetically as well. Not sure why I feel that, but I do. Always good to confound definitions by redefining what you do.

My Best

Chris



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Glyn Pope

Wed 29th Feb 2012 14:00

I've read this.

<Deleted User> (6315)

Wed 29th Feb 2012 12:38


Are not dreams delicious John..didn't think it was dirty at all by the way..lovely lines that Mike has picked out.. :)

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Val Cook

Wed 29th Feb 2012 10:09

I love this poem John,some well chosen words that where just perfect. The butterfly won it for me.

Philipos

Tue 28th Feb 2012 23:54

Almost a pang of loss here but evocative of youth and all its vivacity. Nice one.

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M.C. Newberry

Tue 28th Feb 2012 21:53

Quietly thoughtful and very persuasive in its
evocation of those moments that come with regret or loss.

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Mike Hilton

Tue 28th Feb 2012 21:26

I think the title is very apt John.

I like a lot of the lines especially 'Naked apart from your signature' and 'The butterfly woke from its rest'

I'll let you get back to your Dream now!

Mike

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