Hi, my name is Andy

I’m the boy who seldom speaks

The one you call a weirdo

The one you call a freak

Your mum won’t let you play with me

She’s concerned my behaviours strange

Scared you might catch something

Or fall into the autism range

But I’m just a child like you once were

I’m made of flesh and bone

Sometimes I’ll repeat my movements

Or I might prefer to be alo...

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Dignity cannot

Be found at the bottom of

A Bag of popcorn

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You warm me up on wet Wednesday nights

You’re my half time cup o’Bovril

You excite me by faux candlelight

Sticky page of a Mills & Boon novel

Dependable but a pure delight

Like a through ball from Glenn Hoddle

Let me be entertained as I try to explain

…You’re everything and more

You bring me comfort and cure my hunger

Like a pan of ‘tater ash

Still turn my ...

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Black Dog in the garden

Sleeping peacefully

Careful not to wake her

Tiptoe sheepily

Black Dogs ears prick up

Suddenly she’s disturbed

Try to reassure her

Fumble mumbled words

Black Dog barking loudly

Crying for attention

Tethered to her kennel gates

Straining under tension

Black Dog viciously growling

Rope snaps and she’s free

Bounding acros...

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I once knew a chap named Daniel
Who swore he was a cocker spaniel
He humped his wife's leg, as she lay on the bed
Until I gave him a Readers Wives annual

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I'm not gonna take it
Jimmy screamed til he was hoarse
Gazpacho's not a course
He smashed his plate
Which sealed his fate...
And exited the kitchen doors

Astounded
Dumfounded
The patrons showed no remorse
James Deansgate
A rebel without applause

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Red sky at night
Caravaners delight
Red sky in morning
Paraffin meets awning

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Happy anniversary to my amazing wife and best friend...

I hope yer both happy together......
I’m not bitter
He’s fitter
And nothing lasts forever
Shit happens hey?
I’m glad to be rid o’yer
Not saddened to say
I gave yer Chlamydia

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0240 and 0415... Tears and palpitations
Uncontrollable lucid dreams
Knows no limitations
Premonitions so crystal clear
Questions i dare not ask...
Realisations of my darkest fears
Formed from fragments of the past
A monster lies in wait
Whenever i close my eyes
The beast is gaining weight
Feeding on my cries
Mocking my pounding heartbeat
Laughing at my despair
Waiting for me to fall a...

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From the moment we first met
Our hearts became entwined
As I gazed through a haze of ceramic displays
I knew you would be mine
Mr Bramwell's art class...
The new girl having a look around
Teenage bravado now seems so crass
I was trying to sound profound

A solitary match
Struck against the floor
Immature giggles groaned to gasps
As Mr Richmond entered the door
The sordid scent of sulp...

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You offer me all the trappings

A life of luxury

Slave to control, my soul you’re sapping

My sense of security

Skyscraper impresses

Upon me vertigo and jitters

‘You’ve no idea what stress is

This job is not for quitters

Knuckle down and work really hard

You’ll be where I am one day’

Overweight and emotionally scarred

The few hairs left are grey!

I thoug...

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Heroes come in all shapes and sizes

They don’t all wear secret disguises

They don’t all fly through night skies- protecting the town

Some like Burnden Park Pies and Newcastle Brown

Not all heroes go ‘To infinity

…and beyond’

But have the ability

To create unbreakable bonds

They don’t let life’s problems get in the way

Of loving and living each day after day

They...

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Football is not a matter
Of life or death
The shirt on your back
Or the badge on your chest
Million pound contracts
Or zebra striped boots
Model girlfriends
Or photo shoots
It's not about whose going down
Or whose coming up
Trophies, awards
Medals or cups
It's not a personal crusade
Or a quest for glory
It's unique to us all
Our personal story
Football's not about results
But th...

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Born in the 1930s

A generation of Teddy Boys;   

Salford could not handle them

They were making too much noise.

They were sent out to the fields

Into the depths of Madam's Wood

Where they could carry out their debauchery

Where they'd continue to spill their blood.

In the midst of Victorian terraces

Above a network of mines

An odyssey was born here

To stand the...

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I saw these lads on scooters

One Easter as a child

I fell in love with the chrome and mirrors    

I adored their clothes and style

Carrying eggs for poorly kids

In a mile long convoy

So charitable and chic

Made an impression upon this boy      

All my mates wanted to be famous

My aspirations seemed rather odd

... I knew from that day forward

I wanted to be a M...

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Secure in my solitude I stroll the street

Avoiding the attention of the hyenas you meet

Unnatural aggression- desperation not fear

Strangers circling in their designer gear

Razor sharp suits and rubber blunt wit

Dancing on toes they prepare their skit

My expression is glazed, I avoid their eyes

Gaze at my shoes, my phone, and the skies

Try as I may, to resist their appeal

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Sheep begin to flock

Queue around the block

Checkouts are gridlocked

The Frenzy of Black Friday

Jaws drop to the carpet

Gullible easy targets

Riots at supermarkets

Polythene bag army

A quaint Yankee tradition

Shoppers on a mission

Choked into submission

The sale of the f#ckin’ century

Half a million every hour

‘Bargains’ are devoured

Sweetne...

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Her hero; her first knight

The strongest, kindest man she’d ever known

A warm heart and comforting voice

Never needed to raise his tone

He’d been there for her from her first breath

He’d wiped away so many tears

Held her hand for her first tentative steps

Saved her from her fears

They both knew goodbye was coming

And she was scared of being alone

Does he know ho...

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Standing proud at 5ft tall

Looks like that bloke from The Fall

He span some decks with Phats & Small

Until the day he got the call

But now

Wow

He’s a recruitment agent

His suits sharp

His brogues dazzle

His tongue smoothes

The way for his tackle

Come sign with me yeah- we’ll have a ball

The best employers- i know ‘em all

The banks, the skanks, the shanks...

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10p mix

And 20 cigs

They’re not for me; they’re for me mam

What do you mean you can’t serve me?

I’ve a note here says y’can

Haircuts shaped in bowls

Laundrette used as goals

Life centred on these shops

Careers begun

Fortunes won

Over the counters of these shops

Friday night suppers

Monday morning cuppas

Adored ‘cos of these shops

Chips devoured

Per...

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It’s not that don’t love yer

I just come from a different place

We could reconcile our differences

But there’s no accounting for taste

I wish yer could see things My Way

But to you it’s just white noise

You’d rather listen to your Walkman

Thinking about macho boys

We’re simply not compatible

Surely yer can see that can’t yer?

Fundamentally speaking

You say Sin...

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I adore the roar of the ocean, the salted sun kissed breeze

A stroll down the shore, in sandals and shorts: sangria sipped with ease

But unfortunately this is Fleetwood

And its minus 12 degrees

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It’s not so nice to see you again

How long’s it been this time?

A regrettable yet unforgettable friend

From the alcoves of mind

Your face fills me with fury

Your grunts fill me with dread

If I were judge and jury-

Well that’s better left unsaid     

It’s not so nice to see you again

You left a message on the phone

If inconsequential or incidental then

What you...

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Her name was Ria

She wer’ from the Isle of Mann

She spoke of fantasies

And an all over body tan

After a few Campari’s

We went back to her caravan

Things got intimate

I explored her with my hands

Stripped her to her breeches

But didn’t go quite as planned

Cos you see, er...

Ria...

She wer...

Anatomically a man

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For just a few hours

Let’s sample paradise

Take the champagne from the ice

Enjoy the finer things in life

Let down our hair

Paint the town red

Turn the air blue

Have a good time

Party...

Like its 1999

...Like we used too

Take the time to eat

To breathe

To shop...

To live like kings...

We both know the horrors

That tomorrow brings

Le...

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I don’t do fondue

Dips or chips

Small talk is global politics

An anti-social socialist

My social skills do not exist

No smutty jokes

No tales or quotes

From the back line of the demo

In fact I have one anecdote

About the time I met John Virgo

I told it at a wedding once

Then she left me midst the vol-au-vants

Fragrant musk of windowlene

Dab and...

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