I went to sleep last night

and prayed that I had tears back there to shed.

But there were none to be found.

I went to a party yesterday

and prayed for an opportunity to make some conversation.

But there was no thought in my mind,

I felt was worth sharing.

I’ve been back in school for a year now

and I prayed for dedication and success.

But there was no goal I co...

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I’m not sure how to do this…

to turn around from self-hatred.

to not despise this life of mine.

to no longer want to throw it away.

To realize it was never mine to begin with.

To be thankful for all that I do have

and to seek the flaws in my own logic.

not for self-pity,

but to reorganize my perspective

and see what I’ve had the whole time

and simply missed.

I...

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what is it I’m trying to do here?

“your poetry is beautiful”

“you should be proud of yourself”

If only I never hid away.

If only I was still 7,

then it would be acceptable.

If I had opened up back then,

I would have had people falling over themselves

to make me feel better.

But I’m a grown ass man now.

and no amount of complaining will do a da...

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The question I never stop asking.

What exactly is and isn’t within my control?

The question I will never answer.

Is my fate my own?

Is destiny, a reality?

I am in control of my actions,

at least in theory.

My work ethic is mine to command,

that's the rumor anyway.

But if I were to get up and do,

would it make any difference?

I feel so exhausted from ...

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Can I have a hug?

Can I not be pulled away from?

Can I be weak, and in pain?

Can I have any physical connection that isn’t sexual?

Can I not be afraid, of the casual flirting,

with the barista behind the counter.

Can I have a small piece of the love,

Shown between a girl and her friends.

She goes to embrace another she,

A group of besties, inseparable from each...

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On the surface, I look fine.

Swallowing emotion and putting on a face,

the fastest and most reliable reflex I have.

All you need to do is dig,

just a little bit,

to see that it’s all one big shell.

So why hasn’t anyone

figured it out yet?

Can I be more than this?

A hard shell,

with crumbling and rotting

scaffolding

holding it all together.

Stat...

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Getting better is as simple as getting up

and doing it.

Or, at least I think it should be.

Worrying about what I’m doing next isn’t helping

When I’m not doing anything right now.

A city on the clouds

Lined with golden bars and silver gates

The prettiest prison you ever did see,

The cloud 9 in the back of my head.

I sit here, and think, about how I

Sit here, ...

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I’m so hungry

I’m so tired

I stay awake and starve myself,

punishment for days of being a glutton.

I choose sleep for dinner,

a kitchen full of food in the next room,

because I have no idea what to do.

I come here everyday.

I get the same thing every time.

I write a new poem,

about the same old depression

I cling to

for reasons I’m not sure of.

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I want to split my head on a fire axe

I want to be found, dangling in a closet

I want to be a fine red mist on the front of a train

I want to be pulled in four by horses and rope

I want to be skewered atop a church steeple,

on display for all to see, as in the ancient days

I want to decorate my room with my flesh,

and turn my sanctuary into a meat locker

I want to...

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I’m so completely depressed.

Any thought or action I could possibly take,

eventually comes to an end.

and I’m right back where I started.

Feeling completely hopeless, capable of only self-pity.

I’m so desperate to share my innermost being.

I’m so afraid of how people will respond,

to my circumstances.

The very thing I’ve tried so desperately to put into word.

Words ...

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