In Dark Times

by Bertolt Brecht, translated from the German by Humphrey Miles

They won’t say: when the walnut tree shook in the wind

But: when the house-painter crushed the workers.

They won’t say: when the child skimmed a flat stone

across the rapids

But: when the great wars were being prepared for.

They won’t say: when the woman came into the room

But: when the great...

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Ghosts

To children, who are sore afraid
That night-time ghosts will get them:
Fear not, the monsters who will eat
Your brains at night won't let them.

Goblins

Ghosts and goblins, ghouls and trolls
From these we can't protect you.
We’re going to the Rose and Crown,
We’re going to get wrecked. You
Might just want to lock the door.
Me and your dad will be back about four.

The...

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Hello everybody

Anyone want to borrow a comfort zone? I have stepped out of mine. I'm standing up, on my hind legs, all by myself for my first ever stand-up poetry show, Slightly Wrong, at the Guildford Fringe Festival in July.

I thought it was a good idea at the time.

Anyway, if any of you poetical reprobates are near Guildford on 16 July 2016 and in the vicinity of The Star Inn, Quarry ...

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The lovely gels at The Daily Telegraph Wonder Women asked me to write a poem about contraception for their ace campaign Take Back Birth Control, which encourages women to explore which contraceptive method is the best for them. So I did; it's called Chisel.

I did a video in my living room starring me and my scary cushion and you can watch the video here. I...

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Hello there. Here is a new, ridiculous poem about fannies and the joy of owning one. If you are reading this in the US, fannies means front bottom and it’s only ladies that have them.  Oh yes, I have published a real book made of paper; it's called Slightly Wrong, and it is full of daft poems. It's a bit rude. You can get it from Amazon here if you are desperate.

Fannies

Fannies arrive in al...

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As a proper poet I must have an unasked-for and misinformed opinion about the issues of the day. Here's my thoughtful response to the offenders/books debate:

My advice to offenders

The great and the good have decided
That you don't get no books at all
'Cos all you'll do is pile 'em high
To try to climb over the wall

So to conceal your block and tackle in
Swap your snout for a bloody b...

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I’m a big fan of Harry Graham and his Ruthless Rhymes, so I’ve written a couple of my own, although he has already written the best ones. Ruthless Rhymes are jewels of black humour and awe-inspiring callousness. Mine are just a bit disturbing, and include an iffy rhyme or two, as is my wont. I hope you like them.

AUNTY PAT

Aunty Pat had a ratskin hat

Together with a ratskin glove.

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One of my favourite opening sentences in all the world is the opening line to Anthony Burgess’ novel Earthly Powers:

“It was the afternoon of my eighty-first birthday, and I was in bed with my catamite when Ali announced that the archbishop had come to see me.”

Being not very well read, I haven’t actually read the book but I am sure it is rather good as the first sentence is stunning and mad...

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