humour (Remove filter)
The UkeFest
Just because you can play it doesn’t mean you should
I’m talking about After the Goldrush or Before the Flood
or anything by The Eagles, Paul Simon and Stormzy
Keep these artists separate from your ukulele
Just because you know the words don’t mean you can sing
Paul Rogers is Bad Company, leave Fields of Gold to Sting
Give Roy Orbison numbers a miss
Don’t kid yourself you...
Friday 30th August 2024 9:06 am
Lee Dixon’s Cliche Cabinet
When Lee Dixon opens his cliche cabinet,
We’re havin' it.
It was a game of two halves
The lad’s put in a shift
You couldn’t write this script, that’s a gift
Get in there my son, go on my boy
The phrases flow, sucked of joy
He pulls rabbits from hats
With consummate ease
He’s a mangled mouthed magician
Can’t you see?
His left foot’s just for standing ...
Wednesday 10th July 2024 11:07 am
Bungalow Dreaming
I’ve got my eye on a bungalow
now I’m ageing fast and living slow
not much to do, nowhere to go
A remote-controlled garage door
An en-suite on the ground floor
These are the things I’m looking for
My rosy afterglow
I’ve got my eye on a bungalow
Where I can unwind, go with the flow
Touch the roof it’s only low
A resin drive that’s easy to clean
No moss, no weed...
Sunday 28th April 2024 9:49 am
The Eternal Flame
Two stones banged together
To create a misplaced spark
Forget about the weather
Never mind the dark
Harnessing that fire
Gave Neanderthals a thrill
They could build a funeral pyre
And keep out the Ice Age chill
Down countless generations
The flame remained intact
As in various locations
Wood was splintered, split and stacked
By Maasai on the Kenyan Plains
In Uluru’s mystic glow
...
Wednesday 17th April 2024 7:11 pm
Ode to Lemon Meringue Pie
Teetering on the platter
A treat for human senses
It’s food to make you fatter
Crushing all of your defences
Its snowy dunes and hollows
Of flouncy sweet meringue
Are made for ample swallows
Of dessert sturm und drang
Ignore it at your peril
Its appeal you can’t deny
When hunger makes you feral
Reach for lemon meringue pie
Its gaudy citrus layer
...Wednesday 10th April 2024 11:47 am
The Poets' Ball
In a castle on a promontory above a rocky cliff
As the sun sinks down the poets come to carouse and rhyme and riff
Chaucer riding on a dappled horse escorts the Wife of Bath
Johnny Clark smokes with Betjeman who complains about the staff
Shakespeare’s musing in the corner
Working out an obstinate sonnet
Emily Dickinson hides shyly in her cloak and starched white bonnet
Donne, ...
Wednesday 3rd April 2024 1:54 pm
If Dogs Were Made World Leaders
If dogs were made world leaders
There would be no futile wars
And laws and treaties would be signed
With inky prints of paws
Chihuahuas and Alsatians
Would respect each other’s space
There’d be no United Nations
Just a favourite sniffing place
Summit sessions would be held
In playing fields or parks
With flashing collars de rigeur
For meetings after dar...
Thursday 8th February 2024 6:58 pm
Red stilettos on the bowling green
This is for my dear sister Carole, whom we lost on Monday. She was a member of a very traditional and, dare I say it, quite mysoginistic suburban tennis and bowling club. She played neither, but was by far the best actor in the amateur dramatics section, which sadly folded years ago. She was a brilliant and inspirational primary school teacher, who loved telling stories, especially in verse. She a...
Wednesday 20th December 2023 2:45 pm
The Tough Gig
The invitation came from an anonymous source
With a hint of menace in a note of force
A resolution has been passed
By our High Command
For festive entertainment we want your band
This is not optional, there’s no way out
We’re ready and waiting so don’t hang about
Be at the Village Hall on the Thirteenth of December
And prepare to deliver an event to remember
There’ll be...
Thursday 14th December 2023 9:32 am
Once upon a time in a vest
There’s a shoot-out on the bowling green
The pianola’s full of holes
The Man with No Name’s
Got a Zimmer frame
And a tray of sausage rolls
He’s a High Plains drifter
Not from round here
The strong and silent type
Got a dance partner, can’t lift her
They practice moves on Skype
At the monthly hoedown
At the nursing home
He wears a felt ten-gallon hat
It’s ...
Wednesday 22nd November 2023 6:19 pm
Urinal View
It is our extreme pleasure
To cast open our doors for you
And present for your lifestyle and leisure
The incomparable Urinal View
Imagine yourself on summer days
On your balcony facing the strand
Absorbing ultraviolet rays
Where the lavatories stand
Twenty-two exclusive apartments
Designed for the fortunate few
With an open Northerly aspect
Overhanging the public l...
Sunday 19th November 2023 4:18 pm
Dave's Back
When all around is crumbling
And there’s nothing left to save
And the economy is tumbling
It’s time to call for Dave
He’s super and he’s Tory
His haircut is so smart
He would be great on Jackanory
He just looks and sounds the part
He once called a referendum
That left us lonely and bereft
Wrote a memoir, an addendum
To a career lacking heft
He sat...
Monday 13th November 2023 6:12 pm
Love on the Allotment
Their love on the allotment bloomed in early Spring
This was a lasting passion, no fleeting seasonal fling
The seeds of it were scattered in an afternoon of planting
Which concluded in Myfanwy’s shed with groans and furtive panting
While Carwyn sowed his sunflower seeds she tended to his plums
They shared a packet of McVities best, nibbling on the crumbs
When Spring turned i...
Tuesday 7th November 2023 5:39 pm
Neighbour's got a new hot tub
Neighbour’s got a new hot tub
Cost six grand from B and Q
It came with white robes, a fridge and a sub
They’re for the chosen few
Neighbour’s got a new hot tub
It completely fills his deck
It’s superior to a back rub
And it’s sorted out his neck
It’s both rigid and inflatable
With blue lights in LED
It’s necessity’s debatable
It’s an al fresco luxury
...
Saturday 4th November 2023 2:18 pm
DIY Man
There’s a Viking Warrior around the back
With a multi-tool and a Power Pack
Keeps nuts and bolts in a padlocked sack
He’s a DIY Man, he’s building a shack
With his manic ScrewFix lust
He’ll transform that hedge into dust
It makes no odds, he’s not fussed
He’s a DIY Man, born to rust
He wears a John Deere branded shirt
Recharges himself when he feels inert
Wa...
Tuesday 24th October 2023 11:03 pm
Kidnap in Venice - Here comes the W.I.
On the Grand Canal in Venice
where bridges span and sigh
There’s a rising sense of menace
Here comes the W.I.
They’re oblivious to the sandbags
Stacked against an inundation
As they wield their leather handbags
And march in tight formation
At the head of them is Norah
The bravest and the best
The other girls adore her
In their phalanx, ten abreast
...
Saturday 21st October 2023 5:44 pm
A Kangaroo at the Barbecue
There’s a Kangaroo at the barbecue
She’s not supposed to be here
There’s a kangaroo at the barbecue
Snaffling snags and necking beer
She just hopped off with a chicken thigh
That thigh has never been so high
It was a bit of a shock, I’m not gonna lie
She’s a chargrill kleptomaniac
A high flying ‘roo with a view
Get Superman, call Brainiac
She’s bit off more than ...
Monday 16th October 2023 7:38 pm
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