SMILE!
During the time I have been frequenting this site I have seen discussions ranging from the boringly bland, throught the frightfully formal to the violently vitriolic. I guess that's understandable given that we are all, to some degree or another, passionate about our "art."
However, in these turbulent and sometimes depressing times of wars, recessions and widespread corruption, somewhere out there there are smiles waiting to be smiled and laughs waiting to be laughed. It is a medically proven fact that laughter is beneficial - and who needs that proof anyway - we all feel better after a good guffaw or chirpy chortle. (Except for those poor souls who have had "the sense of humour bypass" - you know who you are!)
With this in mind I propose the following thread; for the posting of anything you find funny and would like to share with others - links, jokes, funny stories - whatever.
At the risk of public ridicule and censure I am happy to start this "communal tickling session" with the following offerings.
Go on, smile - you know you want to! . . .
...............................................................................................
When Tony Blair was PM it was his daily custom to go jogging from 10 Downing Street. On each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
"Fifty quid!" she would shout from the kerb.
"No, 50p!" fired back Blair.
This ritual between Tony and the hooker continued for days. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty quid!"
And he'd yell back "50p!" One day however Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Tony realised the "pro" would bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He realised he should have a darn good explanation for his illustrious lawyer wife. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. Tony tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from the pavement, the hooker yelled,
"See what you get for 50p?"
……………………………………………………………………………
A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county show and sell them. At the show, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family land rover, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family Land Rover and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week. The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, " they're in the Land Rover and one of them is honking the horn!"
...............................................................................................
A man goes into a pub and the barman says 'Hello donkey, what can I do for you today?' The man replies 'Hello B-b-b-bill, c-c-can I have a p-p-p-pint of b-b-beer p-p-p-please?' And the barman says 'Course you can donkey' and he goes off to get him a pint of beer. The man standing next to him says 'That's not very nice, he just called you donkey; why's he calling you donkey?'
To which the man replies - 'He-aw, he-aw, he-always calls me that.'
................................................................................................
some links:
http://www.smwa.net/downloads/funny/rake_bush4.swf
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSG807d3P-U&feature=fvw
http://www.philstockworld.com/tag/official-tiger-woods-family-christmas-portrait/
http://bitsandpieces.us/2009/12/03/the-best-balcony-awards/
...............................................................................................
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the "Darwin Awards" are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.
Here are the glorious winners:
1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5am, flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away.
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
...............................................................................................
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
His wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband, to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every pretty woman he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed; so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate sex in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home, and put the costume away. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied,
"Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad; apparently he had the time of his life.”
...............................................................................................
Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for £10 each.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at £10.
And, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at £20 for a monkey.
This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to £25 each, and the supply of monkeys became so small that it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at £50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at £35, and when the man returns from the City, you can sell them to him for £50 each."
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the City of London works!
...............................................................................................
A banker was walking in the park one day when she noticed a large frog sitting along the side of the pond. As she was walking by, the frog suddenly shouted up and said, “Excuse me…but…ummm… would you happen to be a banker?” The banker responded, “Why yes, I am a banker. Why do you ask?”
“Well,” says the frog, “I was a forecasting economist, and my forecasts didn’t turn out so well. The boss I worked for put a spell on me and turned me into a frog. The spell can be broken if a banker will kiss me. Then I can return to being a forecasting economist.”
The banker paused for a moment, then reached out, picked up the frog, put him in her purse, and began walking along.
After a few minutes the frog piped up, “Hey, what are you doing? If you will just give me a kiss I can walk along on my own and you won’t have to carry me.”
The banker stopped, looked down at the frog, and said “True… but you’re worth a lot more to me as a talking frog than as a forecasting economist.”
...............................................................................................
A little old lady went into the Bank of Enland one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the Chairman of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the Chairman's office (the customer is always right!). The bank Chairman then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "£165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.The Chairman was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Madam, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."The Chairman then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you £25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the Chairman, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged him, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the Chairman, "I'll bet £25,000 that my balls are not square! "The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident Chairman.
That night, the Chairman got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the Chairman's office. She introduced the lawyer to the Chairman and repeated the bet: "£25,000 says the Chairman’s balls are square!" The Chairman agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The Chairman complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, okay," said the Chairman. "£25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The Chairman asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him £100,000 that at 10am today I'd have The Bank of England’s Chairman’s balls in my hand.”
...............................................................................................
And to finish, some Jimmy Carr one-liners:
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.
I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with TWO friends?
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and noticed a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "Morning."
He replied, "No, just having a s**t."
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?
................................................................................................
There's plenty more where they came from. Please add your own and spread a little laughter this festive season.
Wishing one and all a very Happy Christmas and all best wishes for 2010.
Regards,
A.E.
:-)
However, in these turbulent and sometimes depressing times of wars, recessions and widespread corruption, somewhere out there there are smiles waiting to be smiled and laughs waiting to be laughed. It is a medically proven fact that laughter is beneficial - and who needs that proof anyway - we all feel better after a good guffaw or chirpy chortle. (Except for those poor souls who have had "the sense of humour bypass" - you know who you are!)
With this in mind I propose the following thread; for the posting of anything you find funny and would like to share with others - links, jokes, funny stories - whatever.
At the risk of public ridicule and censure I am happy to start this "communal tickling session" with the following offerings.
Go on, smile - you know you want to! . . .
...............................................................................................
When Tony Blair was PM it was his daily custom to go jogging from 10 Downing Street. On each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
"Fifty quid!" she would shout from the kerb.
"No, 50p!" fired back Blair.
This ritual between Tony and the hooker continued for days. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty quid!"
And he'd yell back "50p!" One day however Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Tony realised the "pro" would bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He realised he should have a darn good explanation for his illustrious lawyer wife. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. Tony tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from the pavement, the hooker yelled,
"See what you get for 50p?"
……………………………………………………………………………
A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county show and sell them. At the show, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family land rover, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family Land Rover and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week. The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, " they're in the Land Rover and one of them is honking the horn!"
...............................................................................................
A man goes into a pub and the barman says 'Hello donkey, what can I do for you today?' The man replies 'Hello B-b-b-bill, c-c-can I have a p-p-p-pint of b-b-beer p-p-p-please?' And the barman says 'Course you can donkey' and he goes off to get him a pint of beer. The man standing next to him says 'That's not very nice, he just called you donkey; why's he calling you donkey?'
To which the man replies - 'He-aw, he-aw, he-always calls me that.'
................................................................................................
some links:
http://www.smwa.net/downloads/funny/rake_bush4.swf
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSG807d3P-U&feature=fvw
http://www.philstockworld.com/tag/official-tiger-woods-family-christmas-portrait/
http://bitsandpieces.us/2009/12/03/the-best-balcony-awards/
...............................................................................................
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the "Darwin Awards" are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.
Here are the glorious winners:
1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5am, flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away.
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
...............................................................................................
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
His wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband, to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every pretty woman he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed; so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate sex in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home, and put the costume away. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied,
"Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad; apparently he had the time of his life.”
...............................................................................................
Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for £10 each.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at £10.
And, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at £20 for a monkey.
This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to £25 each, and the supply of monkeys became so small that it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at £50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at £35, and when the man returns from the City, you can sell them to him for £50 each."
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the City of London works!
...............................................................................................
A banker was walking in the park one day when she noticed a large frog sitting along the side of the pond. As she was walking by, the frog suddenly shouted up and said, “Excuse me…but…ummm… would you happen to be a banker?” The banker responded, “Why yes, I am a banker. Why do you ask?”
“Well,” says the frog, “I was a forecasting economist, and my forecasts didn’t turn out so well. The boss I worked for put a spell on me and turned me into a frog. The spell can be broken if a banker will kiss me. Then I can return to being a forecasting economist.”
The banker paused for a moment, then reached out, picked up the frog, put him in her purse, and began walking along.
After a few minutes the frog piped up, “Hey, what are you doing? If you will just give me a kiss I can walk along on my own and you won’t have to carry me.”
The banker stopped, looked down at the frog, and said “True… but you’re worth a lot more to me as a talking frog than as a forecasting economist.”
...............................................................................................
A little old lady went into the Bank of Enland one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the Chairman of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the Chairman's office (the customer is always right!). The bank Chairman then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "£165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.The Chairman was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Madam, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."The Chairman then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you £25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the Chairman, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged him, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the Chairman, "I'll bet £25,000 that my balls are not square! "The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident Chairman.
That night, the Chairman got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the Chairman's office. She introduced the lawyer to the Chairman and repeated the bet: "£25,000 says the Chairman’s balls are square!" The Chairman agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The Chairman complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, okay," said the Chairman. "£25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The Chairman asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him £100,000 that at 10am today I'd have The Bank of England’s Chairman’s balls in my hand.”
...............................................................................................
And to finish, some Jimmy Carr one-liners:
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.
I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with TWO friends?
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and noticed a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "Morning."
He replied, "No, just having a s**t."
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?
................................................................................................
There's plenty more where they came from. Please add your own and spread a little laughter this festive season.
Wishing one and all a very Happy Christmas and all best wishes for 2010.
Regards,
A.E.
:-)
Tue, 15 Dec 2009 11:28 am
I add these ...
Christmas Health and Safety warnings......
Health & Safety and Equality Considerations for Christmas Songs
The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:
Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.
Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.
Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way
A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around
The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.
You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load
The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star
Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.
Christmas Health and Safety warnings......
Health & Safety and Equality Considerations for Christmas Songs
The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:
Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.
Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.
Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way
A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around
The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.
You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load
The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star
Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.
Tue, 15 Dec 2009 05:34 pm
Thanks Anthony - what a great idea.
A rich man was dying. He called in his priest, his doctor and his accountant. He said to them "I've heard it said that you can't take it with you, but I'm not so sure. I want to try it out. Here's an envelope for each of you with £15,000 in it. At my funeral I want each of you to throw your envelope down on my coffin." They all promised to do this, and when the sad day arrived, each of them stepped up to the graveside and threw in his envelope.
Afterwards, the three of them went for a drink. With his conscience and his tongue freed up after a couple of glasses, the priest burst out "it's no good, I have to own up. I took £5,000 from the envelope for the steeple fund. I only threw in £10,000". The doctor looked glum and said "Well, if you're owning up I suppose I've got to as well. I only threw in £5,000. The other £10,000 is going towards the new surgery."
The accountant looked shocked and gazed sternly at them. "Well" he said, "I'm surprised at both of you. Disgraceful. Letting our poor departed friend down like that. I can tell you that I wrote him a cheque for the full amount!"
A rich man was dying. He called in his priest, his doctor and his accountant. He said to them "I've heard it said that you can't take it with you, but I'm not so sure. I want to try it out. Here's an envelope for each of you with £15,000 in it. At my funeral I want each of you to throw your envelope down on my coffin." They all promised to do this, and when the sad day arrived, each of them stepped up to the graveside and threw in his envelope.
Afterwards, the three of them went for a drink. With his conscience and his tongue freed up after a couple of glasses, the priest burst out "it's no good, I have to own up. I took £5,000 from the envelope for the steeple fund. I only threw in £10,000". The doctor looked glum and said "Well, if you're owning up I suppose I've got to as well. I only threw in £5,000. The other £10,000 is going towards the new surgery."
The accountant looked shocked and gazed sternly at them. "Well" he said, "I'm surprised at both of you. Disgraceful. Letting our poor departed friend down like that. I can tell you that I wrote him a cheque for the full amount!"
Tue, 15 Dec 2009 05:35 pm
here's my favourite joke of all time....
Q. What's round, red and invisible?
A. No tomatoes!
If that wasn't bad enough, here's an offering from my youngest daughter:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the poo doctor!
I have no idea what a poo doctor is but Lucy's 3 and they are all a bit poo obsessed at that age aren't they?
Q. What's round, red and invisible?
A. No tomatoes!
If that wasn't bad enough, here's an offering from my youngest daughter:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the poo doctor!
I have no idea what a poo doctor is but Lucy's 3 and they are all a bit poo obsessed at that age aren't they?
Tue, 15 Dec 2009 08:43 pm
<Deleted User> (7164)
Close your eyes children- this one's for the adults.
The night before Christmas throughout the house
we were all fucked, even the mouse.
Dad at the brothel, Mum with Uncle Frank,
i'd settled down for a nice slow wank.
Outside the house i heard a right clatter.
I let go of my cock to see what was the matter.
Out on the lawn i saw a big dick.
I knew straight away it was old St. Nick.
He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell.
The big fat fucker, i think he fell.
He filled all our stockings with sweets and beer
and a big rubber cock for my brother, the queer.
He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart.
The big fat sod blew the house apart.
He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight
shoutin', '' I'll be back next year.
Have a hell of a night.
Merry Christmas!
****************
Winter is here and our native birds are finding food a little scarce.
Please visit the pet shop and buy a bag of nuts for our feathered friends. There is no finer sight on a winter morning than a pair of tits around your nut sack. Just remember however that it's a bit early in the year to expect a swallow....!
*****************
and finally, a really cute one for all my friends i made and the ones i fell out with throughout 2009.
A little hug from me to you
to make you smile when you feel blue,
to make you happy when you are sad,
to let you know life ain't so bad.
Now i've given a hug to you,
somehow i feel much better too.
Hugs are much better when they are shared,
so pass one on and show you care.
Wishing everyone on Writeoutloud a very happy and prosperous 2010. Starlight. (Janet),xx
The night before Christmas throughout the house
we were all fucked, even the mouse.
Dad at the brothel, Mum with Uncle Frank,
i'd settled down for a nice slow wank.
Outside the house i heard a right clatter.
I let go of my cock to see what was the matter.
Out on the lawn i saw a big dick.
I knew straight away it was old St. Nick.
He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell.
The big fat fucker, i think he fell.
He filled all our stockings with sweets and beer
and a big rubber cock for my brother, the queer.
He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart.
The big fat sod blew the house apart.
He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight
shoutin', '' I'll be back next year.
Have a hell of a night.
Merry Christmas!
****************
Winter is here and our native birds are finding food a little scarce.
Please visit the pet shop and buy a bag of nuts for our feathered friends. There is no finer sight on a winter morning than a pair of tits around your nut sack. Just remember however that it's a bit early in the year to expect a swallow....!
*****************
and finally, a really cute one for all my friends i made and the ones i fell out with throughout 2009.
A little hug from me to you
to make you smile when you feel blue,
to make you happy when you are sad,
to let you know life ain't so bad.
Now i've given a hug to you,
somehow i feel much better too.
Hugs are much better when they are shared,
so pass one on and show you care.
Wishing everyone on Writeoutloud a very happy and prosperous 2010. Starlight. (Janet),xx
Tue, 15 Dec 2009 10:20 pm
Being a woman (I know, I know!!) I can never remember jokes.
But I like that one that goes
This horse went into a pub and the barman said . . . er, the barman said, oh bother! I've forgotten it!
But I like that one that goes
This horse went into a pub and the barman said . . . er, the barman said, oh bother! I've forgotten it!
Wed, 16 Dec 2009 07:17 am
''Freedom is not
when the Master let him go,
it was when the Master said ''Yes''
and he said ''No!''
quote used by Tom Morello
(Rage Against The Machine)
on BBC radio 6
when the Master let him go,
it was when the Master said ''Yes''
and he said ''No!''
quote used by Tom Morello
(Rage Against The Machine)
on BBC radio 6
Wed, 16 Dec 2009 09:00 am
A priest is checking in to the Holiday Inn after a conference. The receptionist gives him his key and explains how the mini-bar and cable TV work.
'I hope the porn channel is disabled' says the priest.
The recptionist stares at him and replies, 'No, it's just standard porno....you filthy, dirty bastard!'
: )
Jx
(well, it made me laugh)
'I hope the porn channel is disabled' says the priest.
The recptionist stares at him and replies, 'No, it's just standard porno....you filthy, dirty bastard!'
: )
Jx
(well, it made me laugh)
Wed, 16 Dec 2009 10:52 am
Points to Ponder . . .
Is Atheism a non-prophet organisation?
Is Santa so jolly because he knows where all the “bad girls” live?
If you went to the library and asked the librarian where the “self-help” section was, would that be cheating?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a deaf child signs swear words should his mother wash his hands with soap?
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Is a fly without wings called a walk?
Is a tortoise without a shell homeless or naked?
If the police arrest a mime artist should they advise him of his right to remain silent?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronised swimmer drowns do the rest drown too?
Whose cruel idea was it to have an “s” in the word lisp?
If you spin an oriental person around three times would they become disoriented?
Can Atheists insure against acts of God?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of murdered?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do "The Alphabet Song" and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" have the same tune?
(Why did you just try singing the two songs above?)
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Is Atheism a non-prophet organisation?
Is Santa so jolly because he knows where all the “bad girls” live?
If you went to the library and asked the librarian where the “self-help” section was, would that be cheating?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a deaf child signs swear words should his mother wash his hands with soap?
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Is a fly without wings called a walk?
Is a tortoise without a shell homeless or naked?
If the police arrest a mime artist should they advise him of his right to remain silent?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronised swimmer drowns do the rest drown too?
Whose cruel idea was it to have an “s” in the word lisp?
If you spin an oriental person around three times would they become disoriented?
Can Atheists insure against acts of God?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of murdered?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do "The Alphabet Song" and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" have the same tune?
(Why did you just try singing the two songs above?)
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Thu, 17 Dec 2009 12:18 pm
A man worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter arrived addressed “To God” in shaky handwriting with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until next pension day. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came addressed “To God” with the same shaky handwriting. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely,
Edna
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until next pension day. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came addressed “To God” with the same shaky handwriting. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely,
Edna
Thu, 17 Dec 2009 12:30 pm
Just wanted to say that I'm enjoying this thread. Am not contributing cos I can't for the life of me think of a decent joke - I just forget them. I am smiling though - thank you!
Thu, 17 Dec 2009 04:42 pm
Don't worry Isobel - I always mess them up and give away the punchline somehow, so it's never really funny when I try to tell a joke...
I can tell funny stories though : )
I can tell funny stories though : )
Thu, 17 Dec 2009 06:15 pm
<Deleted User> (5832)
Happy New Year to all you lot... [ although really methinks it was night of winter solstice as that is when the nights start gettin' shorter...] ~ innit
Fri, 1 Jan 2010 12:09 am
Two old ladies Freda and Phylis were stood outside their house smoking their ciggies suddenly it began too rain Oh heck said Frreda Never mind said Phylis and prompltly got out a condom to cover the ciggy so it didint get wet. Oh said Freda thats a good idea Yes said Phylis sory but I aint got another one for yours; thats ok said Freda and off she trots to the drug store to get one for herself; Hi said Freda give me a condom will yer? The guy behind the counter was so shocked to find an old woman wantin to buy a condom Hmm he thought, wonder what shes doin buyin a condom at her age. Here said the chemist, hope that works for yer he said with a smirk on his face Oh thanks said Freda dont matter as long as it fits on my Camel The chemist fainted on the spot
Mon, 4 Jan 2010 09:50 pm
<Deleted User> (6895)
Two penniless tramps looking for a bite to eat,spot a sign outside a Church-" twenty pounds to anyone able to quote anything from the Bible" 1st tramp goes in and quotes the line "Samson killed ten thousand Philistines with the jawbone of an ass" and duly receives his twenty,After spending it mostly on booze,the first tramp suggests the second tramp quotes the same line.The second tramp a little worse for wear due to the booze,goes into the Church,The minister asks him to quote a line from the Bible,comes the reply,"Samson killed ten thousand silly swines with the arsebone of a giraffe"-night all-Mr W.
Mon, 4 Jan 2010 11:55 pm
<Deleted User> (6895)
After a bloody good scratch of ones gonads,I would in answer to Rev,x2 sheds,say maybe not a night of Winter solstice,more like a night of Wimter salts dead-at the rate that its being used up.Try one more good bout of scratching,it seems to bring on inspiration!
Tue, 5 Jan 2010 12:10 am
<Deleted User> (6895)
Oh this subject has got me at it!
i had a belgian rabbit
one was a belgian buck
i laid them on the table(no not that laid-pervies!)
to see if they would
f...ather went to market to buy a dozen eggs
ten in the basket and two between his
l..ucy in the garden playing with the cat
along came a bumblebee and stung her on the
T..wice she went to the doctors
the doctors name was hunt
he got a red hot poker and stuck it up her
C...ountry horses are the best for carrying loads of coal
the unsual way they carry it is by sticking it up their
H..oly moses had a dog,its name was ricky hollox
he tried to jump a five barred gate and landed on his
B..ollokybill was a China man who tried to fly to venus
bollox!...i forgot the rest!
i had a belgian rabbit
one was a belgian buck
i laid them on the table(no not that laid-pervies!)
to see if they would
f...ather went to market to buy a dozen eggs
ten in the basket and two between his
l..ucy in the garden playing with the cat
along came a bumblebee and stung her on the
T..wice she went to the doctors
the doctors name was hunt
he got a red hot poker and stuck it up her
C...ountry horses are the best for carrying loads of coal
the unsual way they carry it is by sticking it up their
H..oly moses had a dog,its name was ricky hollox
he tried to jump a five barred gate and landed on his
B..ollokybill was a China man who tried to fly to venus
bollox!...i forgot the rest!
Tue, 5 Jan 2010 12:23 am
<Deleted User> (6895)
limerick
there was a man from kent
whose 'pinky'was decidedly bent
to save himself trouble
he shoved it in double
but instead of coming
he went
there was a man from kent
whose 'pinky'was decidedly bent
to save himself trouble
he shoved it in double
but instead of coming
he went
Tue, 5 Jan 2010 12:28 am
<Deleted User> (6895)
last one from me-honestly(i,m off to the doctors in the morning-for some reason,my goolies are skinless.?
bloke who runs a mental institution decides to treat the inmates to a pub visit.he warns the landlord that the inmates will pay him in bottle tops and counters etc,but that he would return later and settle up.drinks over and inmates return back to the institution,the bloke as promised returns to the pub-"ok landlord,how much do i owe you? landlord-seventy quid-bloke reaches in his pocket,asking the landlord" have you got change of a dustbin lid?
-i,m outta here! you,ve been a lovely audience,i,d like to take you home(you see,i am that bloke who runs the institution!)what does that tell you?first prize? a lemonade sandwhich.-merry syphillis!!
bloke who runs a mental institution decides to treat the inmates to a pub visit.he warns the landlord that the inmates will pay him in bottle tops and counters etc,but that he would return later and settle up.drinks over and inmates return back to the institution,the bloke as promised returns to the pub-"ok landlord,how much do i owe you? landlord-seventy quid-bloke reaches in his pocket,asking the landlord" have you got change of a dustbin lid?
-i,m outta here! you,ve been a lovely audience,i,d like to take you home(you see,i am that bloke who runs the institution!)what does that tell you?first prize? a lemonade sandwhich.-merry syphillis!!
Tue, 5 Jan 2010 12:47 am
OK - I'll treat you to a really corny one my dad used to tell us,
A man walks past a Barber's shop with a sign outside saying:-
'What do you think I'll shave you for nothing and buy you a drink.'
Surprised by the shop's generosity, he goes in, gets shaved and has a drink on the house. When presented with a bill he remonstrates... The barber says:
'What! Do you think I'll shave you for nothing and buy you a drink?!'
Groan, groan - the humour is in the telling and it's probably not one that transfers to page...
Looks like we are snowed in - couldn't get the car off the drive and and at least one of the kids' schools is shut. Trust me to have a job that's walking distance. Let's hope that's shut too....
A man walks past a Barber's shop with a sign outside saying:-
'What do you think I'll shave you for nothing and buy you a drink.'
Surprised by the shop's generosity, he goes in, gets shaved and has a drink on the house. When presented with a bill he remonstrates... The barber says:
'What! Do you think I'll shave you for nothing and buy you a drink?!'
Groan, groan - the humour is in the telling and it's probably not one that transfers to page...
Looks like we are snowed in - couldn't get the car off the drive and and at least one of the kids' schools is shut. Trust me to have a job that's walking distance. Let's hope that's shut too....
Tue, 5 Jan 2010 08:32 am
I may well get stuck with this, I'm rubbish at telling jokes...here goes:
It's coming up to Xmas and the binmen are on their last round before the holidays and expect their Christmas tip from their clients, one of the binmen goes to no.34 and knocks on the door, then asks the housewife for his christmas tip. She asks if he's the driver and when he says no, to his abject surprise, she whisks him upstairs and gives him a good seeing to. Shattered and redfaced he gets back to the wagon and tells the rest of the lads what just happened, another one tries his luck, he knocks, asks for his Christmas tip and she says, "Are you the driver?" when he answers no, she whisks him upstairs and he too arrives back at the wagon rather out of breath but beaming.
The driver decides to chance his arm, he marches up to the door and knocks, when he asks for his tip, she says "Are you the driver?" and he proudly answers yes, she promptly goes into the house and returns with a fiver. Disappointed, he asks why he got a fiver and the others got sex, she answered,"I said to my husband what should we do about the binmen's tip this year and he said, give the driver a fiver and screw the rest of them!"
Boom Boom!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I take no responsibility whatsoever for the stereotyping and smut in this joke. :)
It's coming up to Xmas and the binmen are on their last round before the holidays and expect their Christmas tip from their clients, one of the binmen goes to no.34 and knocks on the door, then asks the housewife for his christmas tip. She asks if he's the driver and when he says no, to his abject surprise, she whisks him upstairs and gives him a good seeing to. Shattered and redfaced he gets back to the wagon and tells the rest of the lads what just happened, another one tries his luck, he knocks, asks for his Christmas tip and she says, "Are you the driver?" when he answers no, she whisks him upstairs and he too arrives back at the wagon rather out of breath but beaming.
The driver decides to chance his arm, he marches up to the door and knocks, when he asks for his tip, she says "Are you the driver?" and he proudly answers yes, she promptly goes into the house and returns with a fiver. Disappointed, he asks why he got a fiver and the others got sex, she answered,"I said to my husband what should we do about the binmen's tip this year and he said, give the driver a fiver and screw the rest of them!"
Boom Boom!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I take no responsibility whatsoever for the stereotyping and smut in this joke. :)
Tue, 5 Jan 2010 03:33 pm
A shop owner hires a young female assistant with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. "I`d like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.
The assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view.
As she retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction.
Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the young woman climb up and down. After a few trips she is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng. "Is yours raisin too?" she yells testily.
"No," croaks the feeble old man.... "But it's startin' to twitch."
: )
Jx
The assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view.
As she retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction.
Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the young woman climb up and down. After a few trips she is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng. "Is yours raisin too?" she yells testily.
"No," croaks the feeble old man.... "But it's startin' to twitch."
: )
Jx
Tue, 5 Jan 2010 04:52 pm
And on a similar vein...so to speak...
This 90 year old man went to the doctor and told the doctor that he wants his sex drive lowered.
The doctor looks at him and asked him how old he is. The man replied "I am 90 years old."
The doctor said that's ridiculous for a man of your age to ask that his sex drive be lowered. It's all in your head.
The man replied "I know that's why I want it lowered."
: )
Jx
This 90 year old man went to the doctor and told the doctor that he wants his sex drive lowered.
The doctor looks at him and asked him how old he is. The man replied "I am 90 years old."
The doctor said that's ridiculous for a man of your age to ask that his sex drive be lowered. It's all in your head.
The man replied "I know that's why I want it lowered."
: )
Jx
Tue, 5 Jan 2010 05:00 pm
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver,
"Got stuck, eh?"
The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!"
: )
There's a poem somewhere in that one.
Jx
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver,
"Got stuck, eh?"
The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!"
: )
There's a poem somewhere in that one.
Jx
Tue, 5 Jan 2010 05:48 pm
Vintage Tommy Cooper . . .
1 . Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
'No, the steaks are too high.'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week.and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17.. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat monkey!'
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'
23. A terrible air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. The search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
1 . Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
'No, the steaks are too high.'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week.and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17.. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat monkey!'
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'
23. A terrible air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. The search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Fri, 21 May 2010 10:35 pm
Pissed myself laughing. My favourite was all of them. The ones that stand out - the bloke who couldn't feel his arms (am I sick? feel free to ignore me), the chinese brother called Colin and the 2 seater plane that caused 2000 casualties in a grave yard....
I see that the last time I contributed to this thread there was snow on the ground - in fact we were digging ourselves out (not easy when you don't possess a spade).
Today it was hot - unusual for Wigan - so good to smile in every season!
I see that the last time I contributed to this thread there was snow on the ground - in fact we were digging ourselves out (not easy when you don't possess a spade).
Today it was hot - unusual for Wigan - so good to smile in every season!
Fri, 21 May 2010 11:13 pm
A very old man was waiting in the queue in the chemist's. When it came to his turn he loudly and proudly asked the assistant for a packet of condoms. Somewhat surprised, and more than a little curious, the assistant asked how old the man was. "I'm proud to say that I'm 93 years old" he answered.
"That's wonderful" replied the young girl "and I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old is your wife?"
"Well, she's just a little younger than me - 92" he replied, still smiling.
The young lady pondered a moment.
"I hope you don't mind me pointing out, but at your ages contraception really isn't necessary."
"Who said anything about contraception?" he replied. "It's the wife - she has a fetish for the smell of burning rubber!"
"That's wonderful" replied the young girl "and I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old is your wife?"
"Well, she's just a little younger than me - 92" he replied, still smiling.
The young lady pondered a moment.
"I hope you don't mind me pointing out, but at your ages contraception really isn't necessary."
"Who said anything about contraception?" he replied. "It's the wife - she has a fetish for the smell of burning rubber!"
Sat, 22 May 2010 07:26 am
Years ago in Liverpool, the Catholic church sued the architects of the cathedral over the state of the roof (that bit's true - they did).
It is said that during the course of the trial, the bishop and the judge were on the roof. The bishop was showing the judge the defects. A passing lorry driver wound down his window and shouted "don't jump, the giro's in the post"
It is said that during the course of the trial, the bishop and the judge were on the roof. The bishop was showing the judge the defects. A passing lorry driver wound down his window and shouted "don't jump, the giro's in the post"
Sat, 22 May 2010 08:20 am
I went to see the Doctor today and he told me I had to stop masturbating. I asked him why, and he said 'because I'm trying to examine you'!
Sat, 22 May 2010 03:21 pm
Not a joke but a verbatim account of a telephone conversation I had a week before the election.
Him: Is that Mr Miller?
Me: Yes.
Him: I'm ringing on behalf of Harriet Baldwin, Prospective Conservative Party Candidate for West Worcs.Are there any local issues that concern you, Mr Miller?
Me: Yes, there is actually. It's very hilly around here.
Him:Did you say "Very hilly" Mr Miller?
Me: Yes, there's too many hills.
Him: That's not really something within our sphere of influence, Mr Miller.Not a lot we can do to alter that(sniggering)
Me: Well, I don't know about that, what you need is a panacea.
Him; A panacea?
Me: Yes, a cure for all hills.
To his credit, he did laugh, though not so much when I told him that I'd rather have a hot poker shoved up my arse than vote for David Cameron. That's not an invitation, by the way.
Him: Is that Mr Miller?
Me: Yes.
Him: I'm ringing on behalf of Harriet Baldwin, Prospective Conservative Party Candidate for West Worcs.Are there any local issues that concern you, Mr Miller?
Me: Yes, there is actually. It's very hilly around here.
Him:Did you say "Very hilly" Mr Miller?
Me: Yes, there's too many hills.
Him: That's not really something within our sphere of influence, Mr Miller.Not a lot we can do to alter that(sniggering)
Me: Well, I don't know about that, what you need is a panacea.
Him; A panacea?
Me: Yes, a cure for all hills.
To his credit, he did laugh, though not so much when I told him that I'd rather have a hot poker shoved up my arse than vote for David Cameron. That's not an invitation, by the way.
Sun, 23 May 2010 05:50 pm
And what do you have against hills Mr. Miller?! It is quite flat around here... Use your imagination... I am sure you can do a lot with them : )
Sun, 23 May 2010 06:28 pm
Nothing against hills as spectacle, Francine, it's hills as obstacle I object to.
Man goes to see Psychoanalyst, who asks him, in time-honoured fashion, what the problem is.
I keep thinking I'm a dog, says the man.
OK, says the Psychoanalyst, just lie down on the couch.
I'm not allowed on the couch, says the man.
Man goes to see Psychoanalyst, who asks him, in time-honoured fashion, what the problem is.
I keep thinking I'm a dog, says the man.
OK, says the Psychoanalyst, just lie down on the couch.
I'm not allowed on the couch, says the man.
Sun, 23 May 2010 08:01 pm
<Deleted User> (7073)
A buddy sent me this he recons its true....
In the sleepy village of Erbum , in the town of Tillet , Hertfordshire
lives a lady by the name Linda Lykes,
She owns the local pub called The Cock Inn.
Her mail is addressed as:
Linda Lykes
The Cock Inn
ERBUM
Tillet,
Herts
mmmmm BTW Ann the joke you forgot.... The barman says to the horse ' Why the long face'.... better late than never ha ha..
In the sleepy village of Erbum , in the town of Tillet , Hertfordshire
lives a lady by the name Linda Lykes,
She owns the local pub called The Cock Inn.
Her mail is addressed as:
Linda Lykes
The Cock Inn
ERBUM
Tillet,
Herts
mmmmm BTW Ann the joke you forgot.... The barman says to the horse ' Why the long face'.... better late than never ha ha..
Mon, 24 May 2010 11:35 am
Why did the Chicken cross the Road (only slightly out of date NI version)
SINN FEIN:
That would be a matter for the chicken. Sinn Fein and the chicken are not part of the same organisation, although we share some ideals in common. If there are presently any chickens in Sinn Fein, we are not aware of it.
ORANGE ORDER:
The chicken is entitled to walk in a peaceful manner on the Queen's Highway. It's a traditional route. Anyone who tries to deny the chicken his rights to walk on the road will find the road blocked at both ends until the chicken is allowed to walk in a dignified and non-threatening manner, without accompanying bands if need be.
DUP:
We are implacably opposed to the chicken crossing the road until the chicken's armaments have been removed and the chicken itself declares its diabolical intentions.
IRA:
On behalf of the people of Ireland, we reserve the right to defend the roads of the island against the chicken. For 800 years the Irish people have resisted the imposition of chickens by force of arms and shall continue to do so until the chicken is expelled from our land. Anyone collaborating with the chicken, or assisting or enabling the imposition of road crossing by chickens, will be deemed legitimate targets in our struggle against tyranny.
UFF:
We, the loyal defenders of Ulster roads, reserve our right to retaliate against any precipitary hostile actions by the chicken. We shall meet force with deadly force. (A donation to the Loyalist Prisoners Association will ensure the free passage of the chicken with respect to the road and the crossing thereof, till the same time next month anyhow. Do chickens have kneecaps?)
UUP / SDLP Joint Statement:
We believe that only by working together in unison, and with the majority of the people of this island, the British and Irish governments and our friends overseas behind us, can we find the answer to this question. If we do not, or cannot, then our children will rightfully ask us the question, "So why did the chicken cross the road?"
THE HOME SECRETARY, UK GOV:
While not normally commenting on security matters, Her Majesty's Government feels it right and proper, in this instance, to make a statement on this affair. - Members of the Special Air Services involved in a covert anti-terrorist operation on the road at 8.42 this morning observed the chicken attempting to cross the road. As the chicken was approached by one of the soldiers involved, it was seen to make a threatening movement and action was taken to nullify that action. It has not been ascertained why the chicken was crossing the road, and it seems unlikely that we will now discover the motive.
SINN FEIN:
That would be a matter for the chicken. Sinn Fein and the chicken are not part of the same organisation, although we share some ideals in common. If there are presently any chickens in Sinn Fein, we are not aware of it.
ORANGE ORDER:
The chicken is entitled to walk in a peaceful manner on the Queen's Highway. It's a traditional route. Anyone who tries to deny the chicken his rights to walk on the road will find the road blocked at both ends until the chicken is allowed to walk in a dignified and non-threatening manner, without accompanying bands if need be.
DUP:
We are implacably opposed to the chicken crossing the road until the chicken's armaments have been removed and the chicken itself declares its diabolical intentions.
IRA:
On behalf of the people of Ireland, we reserve the right to defend the roads of the island against the chicken. For 800 years the Irish people have resisted the imposition of chickens by force of arms and shall continue to do so until the chicken is expelled from our land. Anyone collaborating with the chicken, or assisting or enabling the imposition of road crossing by chickens, will be deemed legitimate targets in our struggle against tyranny.
UFF:
We, the loyal defenders of Ulster roads, reserve our right to retaliate against any precipitary hostile actions by the chicken. We shall meet force with deadly force. (A donation to the Loyalist Prisoners Association will ensure the free passage of the chicken with respect to the road and the crossing thereof, till the same time next month anyhow. Do chickens have kneecaps?)
UUP / SDLP Joint Statement:
We believe that only by working together in unison, and with the majority of the people of this island, the British and Irish governments and our friends overseas behind us, can we find the answer to this question. If we do not, or cannot, then our children will rightfully ask us the question, "So why did the chicken cross the road?"
THE HOME SECRETARY, UK GOV:
While not normally commenting on security matters, Her Majesty's Government feels it right and proper, in this instance, to make a statement on this affair. - Members of the Special Air Services involved in a covert anti-terrorist operation on the road at 8.42 this morning observed the chicken attempting to cross the road. As the chicken was approached by one of the soldiers involved, it was seen to make a threatening movement and action was taken to nullify that action. It has not been ascertained why the chicken was crossing the road, and it seems unlikely that we will now discover the motive.
Mon, 24 May 2010 01:54 pm
Chelsea Flower Show Joke
. . . the slightly dyslexic gynaecologist who commissioned a two-tier garden.
He wanted annuals around the top, and perineals around the bottom . . .
. . . the slightly dyslexic gynaecologist who commissioned a two-tier garden.
He wanted annuals around the top, and perineals around the bottom . . .
Sat, 29 May 2010 10:47 am
Wed, 23 Mar 2011 08:18 pm