It's got softer
as I've got older
when I was young
well-sprung
it was hard
like card
soft was avant garde
Now the thingy
is more springy
on the skin gentle
more ornamental
In fact
The old toilet paper
was like a scraper
tough on my bum
made me glum
this new stuff
is like fluff
feels like a caress
That's progress
From the bottom of my heart
and the heart of my bottom
I would like to thank Andrex
cos Izal I have not forgotten
I wonder if somewhere in the outbacks of Kent, someone wiped their arse on your articles...
521 Warrington Road, Spring View, Wigan, in the early 1960s. Toliet paper was for toffs and jessies.
In our outside lav at the end of our yard, a short stretch of washing line, held in place by rusty nails, held our arsewipes - squares of the Wigan Observer folded over.
Starlight - it sounds like we came from similar backgrounds. Did you ever have to improvise with an empty cardboard toilet roll? Not so sure about moist wipes, but I always have rolls and rolls and rolls of loo paper all over my house now - much like shoes...You know you've arrived when you can choose the shoes and you are never stuck for paper...
<Deleted User> (7164)
Tue 15th Dec 2009 21:34
Newspaper squares stuck on a nail were the in-thing when i was a child.
I prefer to use the moist tissue too now.
Starlight.x
Forget X factor, who is going to be the Christmas WOLOP. I think you're nailed on Dave. Flushed with success??
what a great subject to skillfully write about...well done you. thanks by the way for your comments . Did you notice what i did with each line? I wanted to set myself a small challenge you see. Merry Christmas Sian X
Forced rhyme? ...in a poem about arses, shit and toilet paper? - now that won't do...I suppose you could always swap it for the word numb...
Dave, Ienjoyed this greatly when you read it the other night at the Bards - even though I'm scatalogically sensitive. Great rhythm to it and great use of rhyme. If I have one wee criticism it is for this line ..."made me glum", which is a bit pooterish and comes across (to me, anyway), as a bit forced... fnarrrr!
A poem that brings out everyone's arse wiping anecdotes can't be a bad one! Let me see, what can I dredge up? Used to use many a dot leaf in my childhood, if I was in the woods and couldn't be bothered coming home. Often had to resort to newspaper. Times were hard so we used the Mirror...in fact, forget palm reading, you could have learnt a lot from my backside....A wonderful poem Dave - I thoroughly approve of toilet humour, as you well know. Cleverly crafted humour.
What do Andrex toilet tissue and the Starship Enterprise have in common?
They both circle Uranus - and get rid of Klingons . . .
Nice one Dave. (Prefer those "moist wipes" personally; very comfortable and civilised.)
Regards,
A.E.
Super scooper, Dave. The thought has been with us all, often. In the old outhouses I knew, you prayed for newspaper; otherwise - catalogue pages that folded like razor blades. The 'funnies' were a bonanza. Oh, Boy!
Enjoyed the other comments.
Indeed it is!
This made me think... I have stories - LOL : )
Te he he..... good one! I like the foreign thingies where you just squirt a bit of water onto your little bunty and hey presto you`re as clean as a whistle!!!! Might treat myself to one someday!
Youve beat me to the sprung rhythm, Ive rooted mine out, but its rather dark and not at all festive so I will wait till after Christmas to put it up.
Cate xx
Dave, you've touched upon a universal topic here that is usually hardly discussed. Yet just look at the interest it's attracted already! Things must have got better after all, just like Tony Blair said. But do you find that recycled paper is a tad rougher than Andrex? Greg
I know the Romans used toilet spoons - dread to think what for! (ex-archaeology student A.F.)
Retirement is wonderful Steve, but I seem to be rushing round busier than ever. I can't answer Gus' question, but did visit the Bet Shean archaeological site in Israel in October. The display by the (mixed sex) 2000 year old public latrines there says that people used a leaf and twig. Hmmm.
steve mellor
Tue 15th Dec 2009 08:20
Is this what retirement has done for you?
Given you the time to contemplate that is.
Steve
A quite interesting history Dave for instance what did queen Victoria use? ... or Queen Elizabeth 1St... or for that matter the ordinary work a day man and woman through the ages......
I was used to Newspaper on a string when I was a lad..TitBits was my favorite publication...
kept me in the lav for hours...
Good Read
Gus
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Jeff Dawson
Sat 23rd Jan 2010 22:39
Hi Dave, just catching up, really enjoyed this very tongue in cheek look at bog roll! cheers jeff