My reflection through the glass just makes me walk pass,

No matter what I see it will never be worthy to me.

 

I can't stand the sight that makes my stomach tight,

I bite my lips and my eyes are teared up bright.

 

I fear that I no longer want to be here.

Why should I? When all I ever do is give up and sigh.

So please light, take me up high,

Up above the sky to a place w...

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My dark thinking mind,

I wish it wasn't mine,

Stuck remembering past times,

A twisted cerebral bind,

A day dies everyday,

A night is born everynight,

I look up at the moon and it's bright,

I know it provides it's own light,

Most will laugh and say I'm wrong,

They need to stop smoking out of N.A.S.A.'s bong,

Waiting for them to think will take too long,

My wisdom an...

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It's cold outside, there he is.
Standing in the snow with the letter from his father.
Just found out it was his last letter from his father, regretting for that silly fight about christmasday.
Realizing that is was his last christmas.
Walking between those fast cars thinking and thinking.

What if I stop?
Is it all worth it?
Was it all worth it?
What should I do?

There he was, looking ...

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Sometimes I look at a mirror and think I look beautiful.
Sometimes I go back and see a whole different person and want to stop the day.
Am I overreacting or just right?
Am I depressed or just wrong?
When you say you're depressed people will say you're wrong.
When you say you're overreacting people will say you're right.
But what will you say?
Why is it so hard to figure out what's wrong?
O...

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I get nostalgic for a kind of suffering 
That lingers on the fingertips of broken words 
and half lit cigarettes 

Of forgotten fallacies 
That trip on the existential drip 
Of lyrics lost to pens without ink 

Of wine glasses, filled to the brim 
And bags of freedom 
Found between sirens fingertips 

Of desire for change 
Out of habits that just stay the same 
And cycles that repeat...

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When she folded into herself

You all looked away

When she unraveled

You all watched

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28.09.21

It gets better, 

a friend once said

You’re not a bad person 

Shouldn’t wish you were dead 

 

Everyone is their own worst critic, 

He said to me 

And when he needs an ear, 

I listen intently 

 

We swap stories, 

One back and one forth 

Lighten the load, 

Keep each other on course

 

When friends are down 

I feel it too

When people are sa...

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That pain in your chest when your crying at night tears pure white 

Show me the pain and insecurities you continue to shoulder 

So i can come in like the rude friend that doesnt ask to come over 

Knock shit over

Running in the dark until I fall off the worlds edge whose missing me anyway

I think about that everyday falling asleep waking up still in darkness 

Trying to harness 

...

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What humanity needs is to take some acid,

Take a tab kick back and get blasted,

There's more to this world than what our eyes can see,

The first time I took acid it truly set me free,

I had never in my life experienced joy like that before,

I have never been that happy in life I am sure,

Then I had a realization and tears poured down my face,

I didn't want to leave that blissf...

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Broken sensations flood the brain,

attempting analysis would be in vain,

a relentless emotional maelstrom,

wreaking havoc in the mind’s kingdom.

 

The weather has settled,

a calm both before and after a storm,

stuck in a time loop,

ashen nimbi gather around with scorn.

 

A shattered refraction pierces the veil,

unveiling islands in various shades of gray,

paths ...

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A cloud hanging above me,

black and thick like a pool of tar,

I don’t think I can go very far,

all I can muster is simply be.

 

Skeleton with a coat of sinew and flesh,

the same wounds keep opening up as fresh,

this existence is mostly void of joy,

the little there is feels like a ploy.

 

Can’t stop pondering death,

maybe it’s all a waste of breath,

too numb to ...

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Trying to function but my brain's on the grind,

trying to end me, I won't give up,

in my head an enemy, chaining me up,

stuck in this conscience losing my mind.

 

Reflections broken, looking away,

this existence brings mostly just pain,

the beautiful moments scatter to gray,

I'm just one person, both Abel and Cain.

 

Wandering aimlessly looking for purpose,

I dream...

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You lock me in a room with no weapons
                                  To fight the waiting lion.
I'd built a hasty tower of chairs
To reach the window,

You could have pulled me out
But you pushed me back
                                        Saying,
                 "Find a ladder to reach this window."

And you wondered why I was clinging.

Then you pulled the chairs out
  and s...

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Just because I've learnt to swim underwater,
Doesn't mean I can live without breathing.
Just because I can walk on the surface,
Doesn't mean I can't slip and start sinking.

If I don't look in the mirror,
Doesn't mean my face has changed.
If I start at the beginning,
Still I have to reach the end.

Just because there is a meaning
Doesn't mean I understand (or know it).
Just because the...

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I was better off feeling dead
Than feeling alive.
I was better off feeling low
Than on this false height.

I was better afraid of the dark
Than afraid to open my eyes.
I was better afraid of cutting myself
Than scared to survive.

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There was this precious vase that was my life.
 It was a thing of beauty on a sacred shelf.
 It had a purity and sense of truth.
 It was a vessel of my love.

But now, I gaze at fragments strewn across my hearth.
How strange, since I can feel there's something else.
Yet, when I look down, I recognise that someone smashed it.
It must have slipped when I was cleaning.

I am sitting in the ...

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It is a cloak that I sit on, covering the ground.
A cloak that no-one else can step on,
And it seems to span for miles like that.
Except that from the way I see it;
It ends a bare few inches away,
And it is sown rags,
And the torn edges are the end of my reality.
When I get lonely,
I cannot even pull it up to warm me
Because I am sitting in the middle.
Elsewhere, the ground seems real ...

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We don't think you ought to do that.
               "Tell me what to do!"
We don't think you should feel like that.
               "Tell me what to feel!"
You should know that there's always a way forward.
               "Show me where to go!"
You should be stronger than that.
               "Show me how."

We've decided you can cope if you try.
               "You don't know what it's l...

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24.09.20 

She's a lot 
Too much 
For her self 
Or anybody else 

Keep giving 
And pouring 
Into a never ending void 

Keep loving 
The unlovable 
And I'll tear you apart too 

You sampled the poisen 
And it tasted so sweet 
Just enough to make you sick 

Stay with me 
If you want 
I won't beg 

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Sometimes, there are more thoughts
 Than words to speak them.
Sometimes there is more will to live,
 Than to go on breathing.
These arms are almost too heavy to type.
Too heavy to move.
I don't know how to break out,
And I don't see _why_ I should break out.

It is cloudy, but I can just see people looking in;
And I can see those that gave up looking in.
And those that don't know how to...

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I am a sleepless night.
I am a taut balloon.
I am a punctured tyre.
I am a violin.
I am a broken cup.
I am an endless maze.
I am a lonely child.
And I am giving up.

There's a way to live.
There's a way to laugh.
There's a way to breathe.
There's a way to last.
There's a way to die.
There's a way to win.
There's a way to try.
There must be a way to give in.

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My lover lives inside of long exposures
She breathes inside of my flashlight 
The shutter gazes wide eyed into darkness
I write her notes with this wavering beam
Capture my fast fading dreams by sunrise 

 

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If I am a monument;
I am out in all weathers.
They made me marble
                  So I would be cold in the sun,
                  Warm in the rain.
They made me on a pedestal
Because in their wisdom,
They knew it would be further to fall.
                  I am somewhere that no-one passes,
                  Because I am forgotten.
                  I am alone amongst pidgeons,
     ...

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No-one's happy with their life.
Someone, somewhere, was telling you stories.
No-one's happy.
If you are lucky, you'll do alright.
If you are lucky.

There's a way to be.
There's a way to cope.
Where's the God that's supposed to help us?
Where's the love that's meant to guide us?
Where's the hope?

No-one's meant to have it easy.
Someone, somewhere, must have been crazy!
Nothing's eas...

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And all the world is wondering what started it.
In the playground, they want to know whose fault it was.
Life goes on, and life goes on,
And don't you know it's fated?

And all the world wants to know who ended it.
In the theatre, they wonder what it 'felt' like.
Time goes on, and time goes on,
Don't you know that it's decided?

Life is hoping that you make it.
The time you spend, teari...

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Everything goes round the same, my friend;
Turn any which way, but when you think you have passed it,
It's on the horizon again.

              I can't tell you what you want to hear.
              Or shall I pretend that it's all
              As you'd like it to be.
                           You take a deep breath, thinking everything's clear,
                           But it only take...

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I just need someone to massage my mind.
Oh, but these neurons are aching.
I just need someone to drag me up out of this life
Where I am dying.

I just need a hand while I find my feet,
But one that won't hurt me.
I just need a body to hold in the night,
But one that won't scare me.

I just need someone to cradle my thoughts,
Keep Baby from crying.
I just need someone to show me that th...

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And time goes on, my friend,
Your wounds that never heal,
Will grow an ugly face,
Your troubles never end.
And life goes on and on...
Your dreams that never came,
Will haunt you as you wake,
Your broken heart won't mend.

And I say
                howl at the wind.
                run with the river.
                drift with the clouds.
                burn with the fever.
        ...

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My mind is screaming for this pain to stop.
You say I am cold, but I am burning up
Inside.
There is so much noise I'm surprised you can't hear.
It is creeping through my skin.
Dripping, with the sweat, from my hair.

How can I think of anything else?
The mind reels to this deafening pulse.
And I am near to breaking.
Thinking of taking the quickest way out,
And then you say I should stop...

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05.05.2020

I can feel you're scared. 
Anxiety a rubber band wound tightly around your heart 
Dread like nails pinning down your feet where you stand 
Despair, sitting in your stomach, churning evermore 

You carry sadness around on you 
It poisens your words 
Flattens your hair
Wrinkles your clothes 

The sad stench of it radiates through your pores 
And if I can take it away, 
If I...

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Life is wearing me down, yeah
But you know that.
Life is fooling me around.
But what of that, yeah, what of that?

Didn't anyone say I was special.
No-one said life was gonna be fun.
               Guess sometimes you just make assumptions.
               Guess sometimes you just get it wrong.

Life is passing me by, now
But you know that.
Life is wondering why.
But what of that, now,...

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     Everything is going wrong.
     Or everything went so wrong
     I can't tell
     If it stopped and I didn't notice,
     And I can't tell
     The problem.

Everything is just nothing now.
Or everything was so much nothing,
I can't see
That there's any difference now,
And I can't see
Solutions.

               Everything is tumbling down,
               Or everything is built...

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If you are going to kill yourself
Someone is going to find you.
Do you want that?
You are trying to die, I might wish you success,
But for what?
So you don't like it how it is,
Do you think anyone does?
But it is better to change, than destroy...

              Oh my god, I can't carry on like this.
              Not each day the same same thing!
              You want me to wait,
    ...

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I'm the one that's trying to tell you:-
This is all there ever will be.
Nothing you can say
Can change a thing,
I know everything about me.

Don't waste your time and
Don't waste your breath.
You think you want to help, but I
Know that's an empty threat.

I am the one, trying to show you:-
I live everything extreme.
Now you think I am being
Too hard on you, but
Cut me and I bleed.

...

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These bloodless wounds will never heal.
Pray,
         "Father Time, save me."

I grow so weak as the not-blood spills.
Pray,
         "Mother Nature, cure me."

Brother wind,
Sister rain,
Rock me. Wash me. Make me clean again.

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There is no time for the pillow to dry,
There is no hope, that's why I cry.
There is no future for all I see.
          There are no perks,
                                         To being me.

I would talk to myself if I had anything to say
I would comfort myself, did I think there was a way
                                  To stay sane.
But what to believe?
All I can hear are the scr...

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There reaches that point
                 When you reach for the pills.

The things that you won't
                 The world thinks that you will.

The waiting for freedom
                 Is not soon enough.

The paying for wisdom
                 Is costing too much.

                             And there's nothing left.

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It is time to introduce a new sub-theme in Love's Tempest - depression. Undoubtedly the upcoming depression poems are intricately related to most of the prior themes in Love's Tempest, but there's space to ponder that perhaps through self-love alone, depression is always related to Love's Tempest. I don't know if that is true as I haven't experienced every type or every cause of depression that th...

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Oh bless me Universe  & make me a perfect picture of your art.

Make me as pure as a newborn as I was from the start.

For they left me alone afraid in the dark.

They threw in the ocean to swim with the sharks.

And they laughed as I was ripped apart.

Actuality/Reality ripped away my heart.

I hold my self accountable & it was fifty percent my fault.

And the "Angel Of Death" came ...

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he went home for the weekend

on a trial run before his release

wife, welcome with open arms

love and tenderness and peace

 

soon she changed acted strange

face turned to bones and wrath

body sank into itself, a shadow,

clothes turned to stinking cloth

 

she taunted him and sniggered

old issues raised painful heads

conflict in his mind, confusion,

they ended i...

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"You have been here a few days now",

"Since Saturday", she replied

"And why did you come in here?"

"Because I attempted suicide"

 

She didn't have any worries,

She wasn't sad or happy,

It was blank, emotionless state,

Nothing to do, nothing got her interest,

Now been quite a few time living through this noiseless rhyme,

It was like a vegetative state, living in her mi...

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I feel more and more like broken glass

as each day has gone pass.

I try to stay strong

while everything goes wrong.

I don’t wanna upset them,

they think that I am as beautiful as a gem.

Why can’t I see myself as they see me?

Why must I lack so much glee?

 

I need my friends to make me happy,

because without them I feel so sappy.

I hate that I must admit that I’m no...

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I don’t wanna be here

and that may be hard to hear.

I’m sorry for always letting you down

because when I do, it makes you frown.

It’s become second nature to fake a smile,

because being happy is the new style.

 

I hate it when we argue and fight.

I hate it so much, it makes me cry at night.

I think I’ve run out of tears

from crying all these years.

I cry in the car...

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[  ] The stress burns the brain with great fire.

[  ] The mind shrinks; the body tires.

[  ] The vivid image is no longer the building of & empire.

[  ] The tension crumbles the goals that were once desired.

[  ] For the stars they once looked upon to aim higher.

[  ] But the ground 6 feet deep they now desire.

[  ] For the pain hurts & there is no denial.

[  ] R...

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Climb the steps, one by one

Feel the breeze refresh me

Hands can nearly touch the sun

Golden rays drip down around me 

 

Love and splendour encases my heart

With the world shining out all its glory

A brand new day, a glimmering start

New beginnings, new days, new story

 

Top of the slide, secure on the mat

Fluttering lungs fill up with excitement

The world whizz...

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How can one love someone when one can't love themselves.

 

Love was never anything they ever gotten or actually felt.

 

No one to ever check on your heart to make sure it was upkept.

 

From a child you held on to this misery & it crippled your health.

 

Afraid to talk about to family, & even friends, & too much pride to get help.

 

The buil...

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Weave me into your joyous network cruelly
Entombed in humming cables spooling
All the edges are skewing
Hooks luring in the dark
Fatal spark ends transmission
Good intentions, outweighed by outcome
Harvesting doubt under hot sun
Can't hide, can't run

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I stood beneath a whispering tree
Upon a windy day
Singing into the careless breeze
My cares they blew away.
Then finally I clearly heard
What nature did avow
And I could see the sun at last
Beyond the leafy boughs.

Yes, finally I clearly hear
What nature does avow
And I can see the sun at last
Beyond the leafy boughs.

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(Originally song lyrics for a friend, wrote after the tragic suicide of Chester Bennington)

 

Broken friends 

 

In the backstreets of my mind 

I kicked a ball against a wall

It bounced into a neighbours yard, 

Where, I cut my hand upon a shard

of glass that glittered in the sun, 

Into my mind again I'd run

And wake within this broken life

Upon my wrist I held a kni...

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