Sex in a rowing boat

is something i've never tried,

even though

a couple of oars

are generally supplied.

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I dreamed of Kim Kardashian

just the other day.

I dreamed that she had cellulite

and her hair was going grey.

I thought : she's just the one for me

we seemed to click and we talked

about the weather in Sowerby

and the cost of running a cat.

I escorted her to a burger van

we had a roll and coffee.

I thought she would have expected more

like champagne and banoff...

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Chlamydia, Chlamydia

How could a name be prettier?

You’re up there with the Chardonnays

Bianca, Sharon, Mel and Jade

Once kiss from you my lips enflame

To pass you by it causes pain

you burn your name into my hide

you penetrate me deep inside

one look from me into your eyes

and I’m left barren, sterilised…

Chlamydia, chlamydia

No name on earth i...

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