Chlamydia, Chlamydia

How could a name be prettier?

You’re up there with the Chardonnays

Bianca, Sharon, Mel and Jade

Once kiss from you my lips enflame

To pass you by it causes pain

you burn your name into my hide

you penetrate me deep inside

one look from me into your eyes

and I’m left barren, sterilised…

 

Chlamydia, chlamydia

No name on earth is prettier

Sister to that Gonorrhoea

Heinous daughter of King Lear

or best mates with Hermione

It has to be a travesty

That you should be an STD

Transferred by promiscuity

Much worse than that the fact, for me

That Wigan you should choose to be

Your hotbed, capital and home

Statistically your proven throne

In all of Europe, nowhere worse

As ill afflicted by your curse

And yet to me it seems quite clear

That someone’s tried our name to smear

There’s something’s queer, there’s something stinks

Stats and facts, not thongs methinks

There’s more to this than meets the eye

Some wools been pulled and someone’s lied

I have a crafty inkling that

I know the source of all the crap

Suffice to say that as a rule

All bad roads lead to Liverpool

That Mordor with no northern lights

Whose men-folk venture out at night

Dim, dark riders on a mission

DNA and germ transmission

Those naughty knaves, those cheeky chaps

In search of class and fresher flaps

 

Why even now, right as I speak

They’re lining up along King St

Orange maidens, fair of face

Defrocked, then knocked up in great haste

Girls innocently led astray

To later curse and rue the day

They ever clapped their eyes upon

Those scousers boys from Babylon

 

Chlamydia, Chlamydia

How does a girl get riddya?

Expunge herself of such a man

Let’s conjure up a cunning plan

Town planning on a wider scale

Take Infrastructure, road and rail

Build ourselves a great big gate

Erect it on M58

The junction where it meets M6

At Orrell, Juntion 26

Or better still connect it to

Some junction on M62

Its high time Yorkshire played the host

Their men folk made to have a dose

A brand new form of scouser cricket

Out for a fuck and a sticky wicket

Howzat for a googly pair of knackers

Yorkshires innings out for jaffas

 

Or funnel them M6/M1

Let Savverners go swivel on

North and South thus reunited

Carnally consumed and blighted

Gap unminded, skirts unhitched

Underground and tubes both blitzed

 

Or maybe we should think more global

Peace to all, a prize most nobel

Night drop them into Libya

Infect them with Chamydia

Stealth missiles on a smaller scale

Germ warfare with a scouser tail

United Nations off the hook

Gadaffi routed by a fuck

 

Embassadors that spread good will

More efficacious than the pill

Send emissaries off to China

Acquaint them with the scouse vagina

No need to strangle girls at birth

Decide so young a woman’s worth

We’ll sort out their family planning

Resolve the country’s over-manning

Chromesomal liberation

XYZ extermination

Scotch explosive population

Make scoursers saviours of the nation

 

Then when we’ve set the world to rights

When Wigan’s free of parasites

Our girls are free to strut their stuff

Without the fear of mangy muff

We’ll celebrate our rightful claim

Restore the goodness of our name

Heads held high, no need to fear

The roads stretched out to Wigan Pier...