humorous poetry (Remove filter)
The UkeFest
Just because you can play it doesn’t mean you should
I’m talking about After the Goldrush or Before the Flood
or anything by The Eagles, Paul Simon and Stormzy
Keep these artists separate from your ukulele
Just because you know the words don’t mean you can sing
Paul Rogers is Bad Company, leave Fields of Gold to Sting
Give Roy Orbison numbers a miss
Don’t kid yourself you...
Friday 30th August 2024 9:06 am
Coffee the face
Some days, all it takes is one cup
Hot, cold, black or milky
I just need it direct to the face
I'll need some space
I don't have time to unwind
Read a book, unfurl the mind
Hot, cold, black or milky
I just want it direct to the face
I call them the beans of life
Ground or granuled, they relieve my strife
Hot, cold, black or milky
It's the only way to live
...Monday 22nd April 2024 9:25 am
B'Jangled Tourette's
Bah ratcha tas contavalaz
you rase-neflapher’d wagicaud!
Condaver haufin polysnip!
I’ll tell you just where you can stick
your pi-calogin traginine!
You heard me right you doboline.
Go rosigate your dodgisnap
you traginated jollipap!
Xysnerf neflected nillidip!
Take that YOU LILLY ARKABLIP!
COE SNAZE I-CAVIN WAJALLAY!!
BI-ROPKI LISHNIF DOBIKAY!!!
FLANT-AG-LACATE...
Saturday 16th March 2024 10:29 am
A Grave Mistake!
A Grave Mistake!
Alf and Elsie - such a pair. Inseparable, throughout.
A paragon of ‘love and care’ (no shadow of a doubt).
Down’t pit until retirement, Alf was ‘Yorkshire, born and bred’.
Which met his wife’s requirement (strong int th’arm and thick int th’ead!)
But, after sixty years of bliss, came by ‘that dreadful day’
when Alfie, with a tender kiss, sent Elsie ‘on ...
Friday 23rd July 2021 3:50 pm
'Sign' of the Times (Reflections on 'Rude'!)
Apologies, in advance, for the rude words !
Folk who pee in public places (treating them as ‘loos’).
‘Concert-girls’, on partners’ shoulders, blocking others’ views.
Kids that kick your airplane seat whilst parents just ignore.
Gits who queue-jump at the bar -‘though you were there before.
Those who walk straight past you, without thanks .... or smiles.... or nods.
...Wednesday 6th January 2021 11:33 pm
“Old Heads on Young Shoulders”!
”You can’t put old heads on young shoulders!”, they say.
But I think that I may have ‘come-up’ with a way,
involving some sawing - and stitching - and glue
(and a bit of a ‘heads-up’, in just what to do!).
But, if I decided to give it a ‘bash’,
that would leave a spare head and a body (to stash)!
Which seems such a waste of a woman or man.
So, now I’ve develop...
Wednesday 6th January 2021 9:21 am
'Man-Sized' Issues !
So, now those ‘Man-Size’ tissues
are named ‘Extra-Large’ instead.
It’s another “sexist” issue
that is messing with me ‘ead!
It seems, the major problem
is all centred around ‘Man’.
Folk find this word offensive
but I’m ‘flummoxed’ if I can !
I’m fearing for the future
if this nonsense carries on.
‘Cos they’ll ban the ‘Man’ from everything
in fav...
Tuesday 5th January 2021 10:58 pm
Is "Statue"?
I met this gorgeous woman for some ‘afternoon-delight’.
When we ventured back to her place (well and truly ‘outta-sight’!).
We scurried up the stairs and very soon were ‘in flagrante’.
My clothes were off as she approached, in just her bra and panties.
We intertwined, to ‘moan and grind’, intent on pure ‘amour’
But soon were interrupted by the thumping of a door.
My lov...
Sunday 3rd January 2021 9:33 am
Size Matters!
Size Matters!
Jack and Jill were getting wed.
(Jack’s dad thought, Jill was nice).
“But, let me give you, Son,” he said
“some fatherly advice.
On the day, I wed yer mam
I nipped ‘er straight indoors.
And, being ‘t sort of bloke I am
I soon laid down the laws.
I boldly took mi trousers off
and told ‘er, ‘put ‘em on.’
She drowned within a sea of cloth
...Sunday 23rd February 2020 3:41 pm
The Trouble With Nuts!
The Trouble With Nuts!
The trouble with nuts is, they’re very elusive.
But, don’t take my word as completely conclusive.
It’s just that, it seems, though, whenever they're freed
they scatter and hide - which is not what you need!
Consider the case of a doctor, I knew.
Took his car for a spin ( and to ‘pose’ in it, too).
A well-mannered man - but you wouldn’t think th...
Friday 21st February 2020 9:52 pm
'Double' Act!
'Double' Act !
In Nineteen Ninety Four,
a young man took the floor
for the television show, “Stars in Their Eyes”!
He was, ‘hips-to-feet’ in plaster
as he struggled out, to master
his new crutches, in a bid to win the prize.
The host (then), Matthew Kelly
introduced him on the ‘telly’,
saying “Simon, what a plucky guy you are.
I’ve been told, a year ago,
...
Tuesday 9th July 2019 11:10 am
Jesus Wants You!
Jesus Wants You!
He forced the door and entered, stepping over shards of glass,
to effortlessly melt into the chamber’s darkened mass.
And, as his torchlight searched for ‘victim-drawers’ to rifle through,
out of darkness, rasped a voice; “Jesus is watching you.”
He froze - was someone in the room inviting conversation?
Or maybe he was hearing things (or his ...
Sunday 26th May 2019 5:59 pm
Writer's Block
When you get writer's block
go for a walk
find a friend
have a talk
blow bubbles
spin a top
count stars
watch birds flock
whatever you do
don't stare
at a blank page
as the clock
goes tick-tock.
Thursday 3rd January 2019 12:58 pm
Glastonbury 1997. Don't Go There.
https://youtu.be/kx6C248MQeQ
On being young and foolish at the second muddiest Glastonbury Festival in history.
Thursday 22nd November 2018 2:06 pm
Fifty Shades Of Freckle-Faced Dalek
i fell so hopelessly in love with a freckle-faced dalek
she was sitting in the park on a swing farouche alone
yet we got chatting and one thing naturally led to the other
so we rolled into a nearby quarry
where she plugged the scintillating us into a pylon
we mind-melded moons stars power-stations and suns
please don't feel envious of our cosmical abandon
or this most unique slap-and-tickl...
Thursday 5th July 2018 5:36 pm
Don't Care~Don't Want To Heart It
{Don't Care~Don't Want To Hear It}
I don't care anymore
I don't wanna hear it anymore
Because I am moving on I am moving forward with or without you or without you in my life and that is your decision but choose wisely
Because when I walk out that door that means that I am closing the door behind me shutting you out completely and you will have the ever essence of what was...
Thursday 5th July 2018 4:36 pm
How Could You Miss Something You Never Had?
{How Could You Miss Something You Never Had?}
It's sad to say
that for a long
time now I
would be missing
you but in reality
how could I
miss something
I never really
had in the
first place
Yes it started
off by me
missing the
sound of your
deep voice
And the tender
touches of your
hand against
my skin
A...
Thursday 28th June 2018 6:40 pm
Diary Of The Southern Queen Entry #25 {Rose's Are Red Poems #1}
{Diary Of The Southern Queen Entry #25 {Rose's Are Red Poems #1}
? Rose's are red,
Violet's are blue,
Now you are nothing
but a lame ass? joker
that needs to have
his croaker
removed all together
so there
won't be no more
forced
innocent victims that
you can
capture `n` then
killing them
slowly
? Rose's are red,
Violet's are ...
Monday 11th December 2017 10:52 am
In The Big House Now
{In The Big House Now}
Well here I am
sitting in the big
? house now
and I can't
escapefrom in
here and oh
shit what do
I say now {oh
yes you best
bringyour ass
down here to
bail me the hell
out of the big
? house now}
©One_Pissed_Off_American_Ghost_Writer/Tina Glover 12/06/2017 all rights reserved
Thursday 7th December 2017 2:28 am
Black ? Sheep
{Black ? Sheep}
As the black ? sheep is an outcast in your eyes
But if that black ? sheep gets the chance they will be the one's leading the pack
Because they can only with stand so much hurt and pain until one day they will strike you without warning they will deploy a decoy to get you to believe them and having you hooked like reading a old romantic book...
Saturday 2nd December 2017 6:23 pm
Sylvia Plath's Silver Fox
sylvia plath
oh how you made us laugh
alas
if only you had used a microwave oven
ted hughes
like all great poets
you were great with women weren't you
and to be fair
you also wrote a really good poem about a fox
and you got laid many times because of it
and apparently three of your loves killed themselves
three
and then you published some poems about one of them
but not the other ...
Tuesday 24th January 2017 10:21 am
Sun And Air
I've fallen deeply in love with the girl
Hiding in the electronic check-out number four.
She never sounds sad or angry.
Her perfect, modulated tones,
Oh, how I wish to take her home.
There she hides beneath the screen,
"Please place the item in the bag..",
So I respectfully place my vegan mayonnaise,
In the bag.
In the past,
Leaning close to her bar-code reader,
I've whisper...
Saturday 3rd December 2016 1:30 am
Bleeding-Edge Prophet
(folks, this one is a bit of an epic, so have a cup of tea ready, or perhaps a few shots of vodka..)
And Lo
So let it be said
And let it also be written thus
And let it be passed down through the generations
Like rare unicorn musk..
There was once a man so wise
And this wise man was a very wise man
And he did offer me deeply learned counsel
And he did point to a very far away pla...
Saturday 22nd October 2016 4:56 am
That Inevitable Question
A handful of commuters,
On the platform,
Waiting,
Were waiting,
A man -
Some bloke,
Walked past me,
And up to the self-service confectionery machine,
And started making noises: huh! huh! hoohauuh! hooh-hoh!
So..
I asked myself that inevitable question:
Should I turn around?
Should I turn around?
Do I really need to see why this man -
This bloke -
Is making these strange noises?
Sunday 16th October 2016 2:51 pm
The Transcendentalist
So the scents of pre cornflake sex
And post energy drink breath
Pervades the carriage like a squid squadron infusion..
Acrid lemon bleach musk cologne
Tinkly-plink-thud beats effervesce from earphones
She leans arching on the glass pane knackered
Eye-liner Rothko remastered
Her groin marine satyr
Not so lucky a bastard
She receives a sext from another torpedo piece of spam with pecs
Ni...
Tuesday 27th September 2016 7:02 pm
Meanwhile, In Sweden
Human resources -
She works in human resources.
Don't tell anyone.
Sometimes I hear those screams from her basement;
Screams like giving birth to a fully grown and functioning dentist.
Then, after the screams,
There's that familiar matryoshka doll silence.
The crooked blood leaks from her sleek harbinger mouth,
As she carries the sleek heavy-duty plastic refuse bags,
One by one,
To...
Saturday 17th September 2016 6:53 pm
Tycho (Deviationist Astronaut And The Zany Karmic Architect)
I'm rushing below the firmament in a submarine
Pulled up by balloons
Rocket thrusters won't work in a vacuum
The torrid plasma liquid washes over the viewing screen
And the Hubble telescope cannot anywhere be seen
This periscope doesn't recognise the space handed to us it seems..
Am I floating beneath the epidermis of a prison planet scheme
I fear this is way beyond my theosophical steam
...
Monday 29th August 2016 11:39 am
I Had To Write This Poem
I had to write this poem
because I thought of this one great line,
What do you think -
will it stand the test of time?
Well, I had to write it down
to deter other poets stealing this idea;
You know lines are clutched from the atmosphere,
Or they fall like apples, spill over like beer.
I had to write this poem,
Because I thought of this one great line;
Like a beat messiah,
My acid m...
Saturday 20th August 2016 4:03 pm
Duty Of Care - Extreme Combat
Dear all
Please take this refresher advice as a friendly reminder
Of our protocol for calling in sick
Which is
In the first instance call the shift supervisor
Inform them why you are unable to attend your shift
Be as clear as possible
The more information the better
We don't need to hear a blues lyric
Only the truth
This information will of course remain ...
Friday 12th August 2016 1:23 pm
Poem of the Week
(Inspired by Write Out Loud's discussion thread: Poem of the Week)
So
This week
It can be announced Gong-Ka-Bong
That this poem
Is Poem of the Week
Art
Love
And a celebration of the communing with our etheric higher sense
Amen
So
Let us join together
And let the blood-letting commence
Observe the cowering bastards sit on the fence
Poets can be a vicious breed
Almost as obnoxiou...
Saturday 9th July 2016 9:43 am
Forest Gate Mystery Train (Spoken Word)
I'm on the Forest Gate Mystery Train,
With my burgled geranium eyes.
I'm on the Forest Gate Mystery Train,
Sighing goldfish clock sardine spies.
Spammed atomic; trolleyed marine,
Frost-buckled arms glow margarine,
Slender dolls slalom offside knees,
Capsules backslide into the stalagmite City.
Tutankhamen consortia;
Shoulder-penguins soggy cadge the dap...
Wednesday 15th June 2016 4:04 am
I'm Going To Write A Poem About You
Childish I'm sure
But the way that pavement cyclist
Pedestrian-pranged me his signature
I became his press-ganged human speed-bump
Suffering concrete-kissing discomfiture
Well he certainly deserved nothing less
than the back hand of my pierian
So as the pebble-assed smurf pelted away
Revolving dalek camera on his pompous high viz head
I brushed myself down
Bracing myself for what I a...
Monday 6th June 2016 11:59 am
You Should Have Been Here Yesterday (Copenhagen Unicorns And Stockholm Starfish)
You should have been here yesterday
Ten thousand flamingos danced all over the square
A bouquet of jasmine blooms filled the air
Golden geese spiralled a mid-air fanfare
Peace doves gently dropped ribbon boxes of chocolate eclairs
You should have been here yesterday
Billionaires gave away their mansions and wares
Rare paintings
and rare cars
with fre...
Friday 20th May 2016 2:13 pm
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