She flew in from America

   To be with us that day,

We'd no idea who she was

   But didn't like to say.

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Wandering through the village streets one dark and dismal night,
I freeze in fear and almost faint before an awful sight,
A teacher from my careless youth I could've sworn was dead,
Emerging like a phantom from the foggy dew ahead.

He sneers and snarls on seeing me and snatches up his cane.
I turn to run, but soon I see the effort is in vain
There looms a second in the path and two more by...

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Who?

-You.

Me?

-Oui.

No.

-Oh.

Bye.

-Sigh.

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My shadow and I have decided to split
    We're getting in each other's way;
For several months now he's wanted to quit,
He says I'm a boring old stay-at-home git,
Without the ambition, the courage, or wit,
     To ever make anything pay.

He says when his servitude's over and done
     He's gonna live life on a whim,
He wants to make most of his time in the sun,
Meet beautiful women and...

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I once played strip-scrabble with a woman named Jude
    It wasn't very revealing,
As at the end of the game she'd only removed
    A shoe, a sock and an ear-ring.

I can't help believing it would've been greater
    Had we worked the rules out properly,
But not to worry, we made up for it later,
    During a game of Monopoly.
 

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I married my brother's widow,

How depressing.

Aged 76

And still getting his hand-me-downs.

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If Mars is uninhabited
Where do Martians come from?

If dragons never existed
How do we know what they look like?

At some point in the future
Everything will start going backwards

If nothing else, 
This should make dieting easier.

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