They seem so nice and friendly,

     So funny and chaotic,

But when the red mist takes them

     They quickly turn psychotic,

They rip each others eyes out,

     They claw and catch and bite,

When monkeys go bananas

     It's not a pleasant sight.

They pull disgusting faces,

     Displaying all their teeth,

Then jump down from the treetops

     And trample tho...

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Sometimes I wonder

What happened to Wanda,

And then I remember

One night in December

The beautiful Rhonda,

My pet anaconda,

    Was badly in need of a feed;

And being much fonder

Of beautiful Rhonda,

My pet Anaconda,

Than silly old Wanda,

I thought it was meeter

To let the snake eat her

    A truly dispicable deed.

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If I were a honey bee

   And someone stole my honey,

I'd wait until they got undressed

   Then sting them where it's funny.

If I were a zebra

   A zebra with a zed,

And someone said it with a zee

  I'd kick them in the head.

If I were an emu

   I'd teach myself to fly,

Then go and mock the ostriches

   From fifty foot up high.

If I were a viper

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Although I'm not an acrobat it's absolutely true,

I did a double somersault the day that I met you;

It wasn't cause you're beautiful, although of course you are,

It's cause your bloody husband ran me over in his car.

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Though they vow to be pure

   and refrain from temptations

The nuns of St Joan's

   know the sins of the flesh;

Their friendships with men

   are much more than flirtations

And that's why their nunnery

   has its own crèche.

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I bought it at a jumble sale, it cost me fifty pence;

I showed it to an expert, his amazement was immense.

"It's Leo-bloody-nardo!" he informed me to my joy,

"It's worth a hundred million quid..." Aren't I a lucky boy?

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If ever you're lonely and needing a man,

Just give me a call and I'll do what I can,

I'm fully efficient and ready to please:

(See the reverse for a list of my fees.)

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A clam is a bit like an oyster,

   A clam is a bit like a whelk,

A clam is a bit like a cockle or mussel,

   But nothing at all like an elk.

An elk is a bit like a bison,

   An elk is a bit like a ram,

An elk is a bit like an eland or deer,

   But nothing at all like a clam.

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There's hair on my feet and hair on my toes,

There's hair in my ears and hair up my nose,

There's hair on my back and it's starting to spread,

So why is there no longer hair on my head?

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While climbing in the Himalayas,

    To my very great surprise,

I saw a huge and ugly Bigfoot

    Standing there before my eyes.

"Hold on," I cried, "Are not you Bigfeet

     Native to the USA?"

"We are," the monster answered calmly,

    "This is just a holiday."

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A winter's evening, thick with fog,

My wife went out to walk the dog.

Ten minutes, maybe more went by,

And then arose a monstrous cry.

It split the still and silent air,

It raged and echoed everywhere,

It sounded like the sound of doom,

It made me start and pace the room,

A greater dread I've never known...

And then the dog came home alone.

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There was a funny incident in surgery today,

I chopped a patient's penis off in protest over pay.

I told him if he coughed up I would put it back of course,

He said, "If I pay double can I have one from a horse?"

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She went away in winter when the leaves are hung with snow,

I searched for her and searched for her as I could not let go,

And finally when I found her after fifteen years of fret,

She looked me in the eyes and said, "I'm sorry, have we met?"

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Two little hedgehogs travelling on a plane,

    One full of fear twists around in her seat,

"Don't be so nervous," says her friend with disdain,

    "You've more chance of dying while crossing the street."

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 I once had a 100,000 brain cells,

    Now I've only got three;

I'm hoping to lose at least two more

    And then become an MP.

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I can see nothing appealing

In hanging upside down from a ceiling,

Or flying around at the dead of night,

Trusting to sonar instead of to sight,

And as for sucking blood from cattle or sheep,

Or people's extremities while they're asleep,

I can't think of anything worse,

It's absolutely perverse.

No, the more I consider the evidence,

The more I speak w...

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A rabbit who thought he had myxomatosis

Checked into a hospital for diagnosis.

The vet who examined him gave the all clear,

"Of myxomatosis you've nothing to fear,

"You're healthy," he said, "as a rabbit can be,

And that's why I'm taking you home for my tea."

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Last week I skinned a thousand mice

  And made myself some underpants,

They're very comfy, very nice,

  I think of them as wonderpants:

The greatest pair there's ever been

And what is more they're squeaky clean.

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My shadow and I have decided to split

    We're no longer getting along,

For several months now he's wanted to quit,

He says I'm a boring old stay-at-home git,

Without the ambition, the courage or wit

    To ever do anything wrong.

He says when his servitude's over and done

    He's gonna live life on a whim,

He wants to make most of his time in the sun,

Meet beauti...

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A clever young monkey who lived in Malawi

Was watching a hunter who'd gone on safari.

A rhino was passing, the hunter took aim,

The monkey thought this is a terrible game,

And creeping behind, keeping well out of sight,

He bided his time till the moment was right,

Then just as the hunter was sure of his prize,

He jumped on his shoulders and scratched out his eyes.

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My first is in teapot but not in kettle

My second is in iron but not in metal

My third is in win but not in lose

My fourth is in sport but not in news

My fifth is in rhythm but not in tune

My sixth is in April but not in June

My seventh is in single but not in double

My eighth is in danger but not in trouble,

    What am I?

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I once played strip-scrabble with a woman named Jude

      It wasn't very revealing,

As at the end of the game she'd only removed

      A shoe, a sock and an ear-ring.

I can't help believing it would've been greater

    Had we worked the rules out properly,

But not to worry, we made up for it later,

     During a game of Monopoly.

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Keys

Keys

Keys

Keys

I can't find my fucking keys.

Keys 

Keys

Keys

Keys

Where the fuck are my fucking keys?

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As our dad lay dying
     He called us to his side:
"The money's in the...."
     He said, and then he died.

My brothers broke out crying
     And wailing fit to burst,
And then they started vying
     To find the treasure first.

For days they kept on trying,
     But little did they know,
I'd already been prying
     And nabbed it weeks ago.

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Amidst all the panic on board the Titanic

     One cool-headed man could be found:

He grabbed his wife Hilda, and ruthlessly killed her,

     Then told everybody she'd drowned.

But life for him after was not one of laughter

      He suffered the Widower's Curse:

Believing he missed her, he married her sister,

      And she was a thousand times worse.

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Oh God, Puccini, where to start,

I know his operas off by heart,

I'd have to say that La Boheme

Is probably the best of them,

But Tosca, too, I like a lot,

And then, of course, there's Turandot,

Which always always makes me cry,

And as for Madame Butterfly,

I find its beauty almost numbing,

You cannot beat a bit of humming.

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My grandad was struck by a lightening bolt,
   My grandma consumed by a whale,
My Great Uncle Barney died in a tsunami,
   My Aunt Danielle in a gale.

My daddy was hit by a meteorite
   My mummy went missing at sea,
My brother and sister were killed by a twister,
   I wonder what's waiting for me.

An alien abducted my wife and her mother
   And three or four first cousins too,
My nep...

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My wife and I experiment

     To keep that loving feeling,

Last night we did it upside down

     While hanging from a ceiling.

My uncle came in halfway through

     And caught us in flagrante,

"That looks like fun," he commented,

     "I'll try it with your Auntie."

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One evening in winter we walked in the snow,
It seemed so romantic, but wouldn't you know,
The next day I found her confined to her bed,
With rheumatic fever and cold in the head.

For six weeks she lay on the threshold of death
A pale sickly figure all gasping for breath,
And though she recovered for me it was worse
For when she was better she married her nurse.

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Mummy, my leg hurts,
Can I have some sweets?

I don't want to go to grandma's house,
She smells of cupboards.

Why isn't Auntie May married,
Is it because of her nose?

Billy Jenkins has one,
And he's dyslexic.

I went in the bath yesterday
Go and look at the soap.

It was an accident,
I was trying to mend it.

So,
He's not my real dad.

...

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Last night the nightingale woke me,

Singing alone on a branch of a tree

   In the garden so dark and so dim;

His heavenly voice seemed to come from up high,

And his message of love permeated the sky,

And I have to admit I'd a tear in my eye

   When I shot him.

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I'm tired of being friendly

I'm tired of being polite

I'm tired of people liking me

And thinking I'm all right...

    I wanna be a rottweiler.

I'm tired of being innocuous

I'm tired of being small

I'm tired of being frightening

To nobody at all...

    I wanna be a rottweiler.

I'm tired of being an idiot

I'm tired of being a wuss

I'm tired of being some...

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Who?

-You.

Me?

-Oui.

No.

-Oh.

Bye.

-Sigh.

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Long for her aggressively

Think of her obsessively

Watch her possessively

Imagine her terrifically.

Search for her endlessly

Bump into her knowingly

Smile at her desperately

Leave her depressingly.

Gaze at her longingly

Stare at her fixatedly

Frown on her objectively

Dream of her disgustingly.

Know her only passingly

With her only fleetingly

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My father is the brother of my stepson,

My sister is my nephew's second wife,

My daughter is the auntie of my grandad,

I have a very complicated life.

My in-laws are the children of my cousin,

My grandson is the husband of my gran,

My uncle is the uncle of my uncle,

I think this means I'm married to my nan.

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We never walked this way together,

   We never sat down here to chat,

We never spoke of future plans,

   Of hopes and dreams and things like that.

We never caught the last bus home,

   We never shared a cigarette,

We never kissed at your front door...

   In fact we never even met.

But if we had, oh if we had,

   Who knows what things we could've done,

What lovely...

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There are currently twenty-three men hitchhiking across America

Seventeen climbing Mount Everest

Twelve trekking to the South Pole

Nine doing missionary work in Papua New Guinea

Six sailing down the Orinoco river

Four living with undiscovered African tribes

Two hacking through the Brazilian rain forests

And one playing the piano in a Peruvian brothel,

All trying desperately...

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