The river runs through the lonely wood

    And on the bridge I stand,

I think about my dearly departed,

    Her ashes in my hand.

I slowly unscrew the lid from the urn

    And say my last goodbye,

I'm about to sprinkle her liberally,

   When "Stop that!" shouts this guy.

"You cannot throw your wife in the water, 

    Though it's her dying wish;

She may have ...

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She said she would always be true
   And love me forever,
That she'd stick to my side like glue
   Through all kinds of weather,
And there was nothing she wouldn't do
   To keep us together.

She said this was love without doubt,
    And not some silly phase,
For every minute I was not about
    Seemed like a hundred days,
In the end I had to kick her out,
    Cause I hate cliches.

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I once played strip-scrabble with a woman named Jude
    It wasn't very revealing,
As at the end of the game she'd only removed
    A shoe, a sock and an ear-ring.

I can't help believing it would've been greater
    Had we worked the rules out properly,
But not to worry, we made up for it later,
    During a game of Monopoly.
 

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I married my brother's widow,

How depressing.

Aged 76

And still getting his hand-me-downs.

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If Mars is uninhabited
Where do Martians come from?

If dragons never existed
How do we know what they look like?

At some point in the future
Everything will start going backwards

If nothing else, 
This should make dieting easier.

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I'm wearing this pink T-shirt

To show solidarity

With all the other people in the world

Who don't know how to use the washing machine properly.

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He was a famous cricketer:

Scored a century on debut

Against Australia at Lord's,

And took 6 for 36,

Against India at the Oval.

Such things I found out later;

Back then, he was just the old guy

Who lived across the road,

And wouldn't let us get our ball back

When it went in his garden

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