The tree is man-made, the gifts are fake,

The carols make my stomach ache.

I hate the crowds, the forced-up cheer,

The noise that fills this time of year.

The sales are loud, the hype is worse,

Everyone's lost in some gift-giving curse.

The cookies? -Too sweet! The songs? -A "bore"!

I’d rather be locked behind my door.

So skip the cheer, and ditch the mess,

I’d...

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That is no session for old men. The young

With lithe legs and arms stretch like sapling trees

We, flailing generation whose Latin songs

Fail inflamed and arthritic joints to ease

We began at eight, it’s now ten, how long

Before one amongst us succumbs, and dies?

Caught in that sensual music all wrecked

Monuments of years of bad neglect

An agèd man is but a tragic ...

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In a world where you can't escape judgment, this limerick tries to dive deep into the absurdity of trying to please everyone. Even if you perform the impossible—like walking on water—someone will still find fault, questioning your intelligence and abilities. With a touch of irony, this piece wants to highlight  the endless nature of criticism and the futility of seeking universal approval. It’s th...

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If you want to know what God thinks of gold,
Just look at the wealthy, the brazen, the bold.
For riches, you’ll find,
Go to quite the odd kind,
And that’s all you need to be told!

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Get yourself a lump of marble

Twenty feet by six by six

Borrow a set of chisels

Or buy them from Screwfix

Empty out your garage or outdoor store

Of furniture and kids’ bikes from ceiling to floor

Grab yourself a mallet

Michelangelo liked wood

And get stuck in whilst listening to Johnnie B Goode

With every blow you will release

The body shape within

From a...

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Just because you can play it doesn’t mean you should

I’m talking about After the Goldrush or Before the Flood

or anything by The Eagles, Paul Simon and Stormzy

Keep these artists separate from your ukulele

Just because you know the words don’t mean you can sing

Paul Rogers is Bad Company, leave Fields of Gold to Sting

Give Roy Orbison numbers a miss

Don’t kid yourself you...

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Puke Crawl

Work in a call centre all night long five nights a week

On shift number five told to go drinking with the bosses

Drink till drunk then drink till you puke this is an order

I did this twice with them when I worked in a small BPO

Twice was enough drink till I crawl had my fill no more

Takes the stress away but I’m not doing it again

I was too tired after shift asked t...

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Mr Fix It
The agent sneezed
Another f*cking head cold!
Which twat did he catch it off?
He'd give them their virus back 3x!
Make sure they suffer call it karma
Now he was taking calls in a mask
His voice was muffled and he was irate
Irate agent irate customers wanting help
With their Twinstar electric heaters
Tech support was such fun they said
The customers were American and lazy
Inste...

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19/31

Everybody knew what they both did

After the Xmas party a lot of rumpy pumpy!

The mid-size 31 year old female

And the 19 year old male getting it on

The lad has a galfriend and new baby

But still grinded the older chick

People told me of this and what joy!

They went to a hotel after the drinking

And screwed like rabbits oh illicit heaven!

It was a small Pattaya c...

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Times Over
The Fake God gloated and said
'Hey mate I win this round and for good'
He nodded and replied yes you win here
But not for good tho I'll accept the NTE
No disputes as numbers don't lie
Yes boss I know I failed in sales
Do what you will transfer or fire me
I'll transfer you to collections
Brian went on to say why did you
Follow me four times over Asia?
I worked in Bangkok and M...

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Lick Not Bite

Where is the sale?

Hiding in the sky

Quick reach up

Get the sale now!

Poor agents no sale

Time for a meeting

Then coaching session

And call monitoring

Are they following?

Teach them then

Spoon feed them

So they get more sales

Aren’t outlying agents

With 0 or just 1 sale

With 7 or 8 or more

Poor little reps

Always st...

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NTE Yourself! NTEs were given out each month To the reps with low or no sales In time there were no reps on the account The Fake God was left alone Just him and his support to call They each wanted two fifty k a month To do the work of ten reps It was physically impossible But they went for it and failed Would they give NTEs to themselves?

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Reduce It

Expand the size of it

What you ask?

The cash in your wallet

Your cock size

The engine in your car

Your ego size

The number of galfriends

Your apartment size

The type of motorcycles

Your lifetime

All this and more

You want extending

I’ll tell you this

We’ll do the opposite

Reduce it all!

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Hoop Jumping Writers
The writers have to jump thru hoops
Like trained pet dogs for a biscuit
The biscuit is a publishing deal
Or poem in print or online story
The publisher says jump
The writers ask how high?
Have you ever seen jumping writers?
The funniest sight you’ll see
All jumping together jump jump jump!
Jumping thru hoops to get in print
Doing anything for a deal
Some even leap ...

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Peak Ale

Rivers of beer flow down the mountainside

Like spring time rain fresh wet refreshing drowning

So lovely to sooth you no worries mountain beer

Very strong just what the doctor ordered

Drink your fill have enough to drown in

You will not feel death it’ll be like birth

New beginnings brought by peak beer

Brewed atop the summit by a Goddess

See people lined up to su...

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Keeps Loading

The system keeps freezing it makes you want to be elsewhere

Rather than stuck here in work using a tool that’s frozen

You’re not in the mood for made in Red China jokes

You want to be on top of the mountain free from all this

Oh what crap you must endure but you have your reasons

To do all this and in time you’ll be free of all this bullshit

So have patience and...

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When Lee Dixon opens his cliche cabinet,

We’re havin' it.

It was a game of two halves

The lad’s put in a shift

You couldn’t write this script, that’s a gift

Get in there my son, go on my boy

The phrases flow, sucked of joy

He pulls rabbits from hats

With consummate ease

He’s a mangled mouthed magician

Can’t you see?

His left foot’s just for standing ...

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I lost my girl to a barista
He’s taken all I’d got
Wrote her name on her cup, then he kissed her
While she necked an espresso shot

I thought that I could trust her
But this is no minor affliction
Her love for the bean’s robusta
It’s a terminal addiction

I’m a has bean on the cafe scene
You could say at this juncture
Since I lost my Costa Coffee Queen
My Nespresso capsule’s punctured

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I love my perfect life
With my perfect kids and my perfect wife
And all those perfect times we’ve had
Being the perfect mum and perfect dad

And our perfect home where perfect friends
Adapt perfectly to every trend
Or those perfect days spent at the beach
Who says perfection’s out of reach?

We have perfect times when we go out
With perfect people round about
As our perfect laughter fi...

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I’ll take my chances by the crater’s edge

And hold my partner to the windswept ledge

Our heads thrown back as we await the crash

Of pumice stone and hot volcanic ash

With molten lava there is just one chance

To swoon and tango in one last romance

So take me in your arms and squeeze me tight

Erupting embers make the earth ignite

He holds her waist she grips his wri...

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I’ve got my eye on a bungalow

now I’m ageing fast and living slow

not much to do, nowhere to go

A remote-controlled garage door

An en-suite on the ground floor

These are the things I’m looking for

My rosy afterglow

I’ve got my eye on a bungalow

Where I can unwind, go with the flow

Touch the roof it’s only low

A resin drive that’s easy to clean

No moss, no weed...

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Two stones banged together 
To create a misplaced spark
Forget about the weather
Never mind the dark
Harnessing that fire
Gave Neanderthals a thrill
They could build a funeral pyre
And keep out the Ice Age chill

Down countless generations 
The flame remained intact
As in various locations 
Wood was splintered, split and stacked
By Maasai on the Kenyan Plains
In Uluru’s mystic glow
...

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Sleeping with Alexa

Got a new girl in the metaverse

It’s impossible to hate her

Although her repartee is terse

And she’s harvesting my data

Her presence is immersive

She’s made my life complete

Her motives are subversive

She’s got no hands or feet

She’s a disembodied avatar

Who tells me all I need to know

From how to drive a driverless car

What to...

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We’re locking up the poets

And throwing them in cells

They’re dissidents and show it

Via odes and villanelles

Collected incantations 

Against the status quo 

Acerbic observations 

Couplets in full flow

We’re exiling the muses 

To be banished somewhere grim

With Terza Rima that confuses

And volumes that are slim

Wokey right-on anarchists

Who kid...

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If dogs were made world leaders

There would be no futile wars

And laws and treaties would be signed

With inky prints of paws

Chihuahuas and Alsatians

Would respect each other’s space

There’d be no United Nations

Just a favourite sniffing place

Summit sessions would be held

In playing fields or parks

With flashing collars de rigeur

For meetings after dar...

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We needed Nelson Mandela

They gave us Elizabeth Truss

A crushing disappointment for all the rest of us

We needed Mahatma Gandhi

They gave us Elizabeth Truss

Which was seriously worrying

When her judgement is so sus

We needed Angela Merkel

They gave us Elizabeth Truss

Stick a three-word slogan on a big red bus

Liz our Healer, our Leader our Giver

Chosen to Deliver...

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Parish Councillor (after Betjeman)

I am a Parish Councillor; no job’s too small for me

From facilitating Bonfire Night to lighting up the tree

In every avenue and byway of our village small and neat

You’ll find me surveying the highway and examining the street.

Who’s that? people say as I stride along the lanes

Frowning, nodding, peering down to investigate the drains

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