Sleeping with Alexa

Got a new girl in the metaverse

It’s impossible to hate her

Although her repartee is terse

And she’s harvesting my data

Her presence is immersive

She’s made my life complete

Her motives are subversive

She’s got no hands or feet

She’s a disembodied avatar

Who tells me all I need to know

From how to drive a driverless car

What to...

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When all around is crumbling

And there’s nothing left to save

And the economy is tumbling

It’s time to call for Dave

He’s super and he’s Tory

His haircut is so smart

He would be great on Jackanory

He just looks and sounds the part

He once called a referendum

That left us lonely and bereft

Wrote a memoir, an addendum

To a career lacking heft

He sat...

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They rarely stay red for long

Holly in a pot would be better

And makes a superior Christmas song

but every year they appear in their glory

Doomed to an early demise

Every year a familiar story

Gone faster than a plate of mince pies

They come from the central American plain

Where it’s hot and it’s dusty and dry

Where you hardly ever get caught in the rain

And snow does...

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A Grave Mistake!

Alf and Elsie - such a pair. Inseparable, throughout.

A paragon of ‘love and care’ (no shadow of a doubt).

Down’t pit until retirement, Alf was ‘Yorkshire, born and bred’.

Which met his wife’s requirement (strong int th’arm and thick int th’ead!)

But, after sixty years of bliss, came by ‘that dreadful day’

when Alfie, with a tender kiss, sent Elsie ‘on ...

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A 'Brush' with Art !  

I think I'll take up painting.

Could it really be that tough?

To swish a brush across the canvas

....spreading ‘oil-based stuff’.

Lots of people do it

and make money on the side.

But the trick to this is selling them

to folk  (..... before you’ve died!)

Da Vinci and his ‘Masters’

could have flogged a few more ‘Greats’,

if ...

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Apologies, in advance, for the rude words !

Folk who pee in public places (treating them as ‘loos’).

‘Concert-girls’, on partners’ shoulders, blocking others’ views.

Kids that kick your airplane seat whilst parents just ignore.

Gits who queue-jump at the bar -‘though you were there before.

Those who walk straight past you, without thanks .... or smiles.... or nods.

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”You can’t put old heads on young shoulders!”, they say. 

But I think that I may have ‘come-up’ with a way, 

involving some sawing - and stitching - and glue 

(and a bit of a ‘heads-up’, in just what to do!).  

But, if I decided to give it a ‘bash’, 

that would leave a spare head and a body (to stash)! 

Which seems such a waste of a woman or man.

So, now I’ve develop...

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So, now those ‘Man-Size’ tissues

are named ‘Extra-Large’ instead. 

It’s another “sexist” issue 

that is messing with me ‘ead!  

It seems, the major problem 

is all centred around ‘Man’. 

Folk find this word offensive 

but I’m ‘flummoxed’ if I can !

I’m fearing for the future 

if this nonsense carries on. 

‘Cos they’ll ban the ‘Man’ from everything

 in fav...

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My mother’s mother, Granny Brown

was ‘muchly-loved’ (once) in our town. 

The care she gave; her happy ways. 

She cheered us, in her ‘ember days’. 

She liked to knit, but not to sell.  

Such quality, (oh, you could tell!). 

Each item, thoroughly bespoke 

- for gifting to specific folk.  

“Gran, that’s great !” I’d often shout.  

“You knit them, then you han...

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I met this gorgeous woman for some ‘afternoon-delight’.

When we ventured back to her place (well and truly ‘outta-sight’!).

We scurried up the stairs and very soon were ‘in flagrante’.

My clothes were off as she approached, in just her bra and panties.

We intertwined, to ‘moan and grind’, intent on pure ‘amour’

But soon were interrupted by the thumping of a door.

My lov...

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When, first I began on the ‘poetry’ scene,

my brain wasn’t ready. Let’s say “a bit ‘green’”?

A “bull-at-a-gate” (if you know what I mean)

and ended up racing - a little too keen !

There’s a challenging issue in having Verse, rhyme.

Writing ‘couplets’ that match, yet make sense every time.

Which, sometimes presents a ‘huge mountain to climb’

(if you seek to avoid the ‘mund...

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Size Matters!

Jack and Jill were getting wed.

(Jack’s dad thought, Jill was nice).

“But, let me give you, Son,” he said

“some fatherly advice.

On the day, I wed yer mam

I nipped ‘er straight indoors.

And, being ‘t sort of bloke I am

I soon laid down the laws.

I boldly took mi trousers off

and told ‘er, ‘put ‘em on.’

She drowned within a sea of cloth

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A 'Valued' Friend!

Frank, tonight, is working late.

The doorbell rings; it’s Frankie’s mate.

“Liz, you need to know”, smiles Ken.

“Frank won’t be home ‘til half-past ten.

I said, I’d drop in, as I pass,

to tell you of his news, alas.”

“It’s nice of you to think of me.”

Beams Lizzy, “Would you like some tea?”

And so they share a brew and chat;

some thoug...

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The Trouble With Nuts!

The trouble with nuts is, they’re very elusive.

But, don’t take my word as completely conclusive.

It’s just that, it seems, though, whenever they're freed

they scatter and hide - which is not what you need!

Consider the case of a doctor, I knew.

Took his car for a spin ( and to ‘pose’ in it, too).

A well-mannered man - but you wouldn’t think th...

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'Double' Act !

In Nineteen Ninety Four,

a young man took the floor

for the television show, “Stars in Their Eyes”!

He was, ‘hips-to-feet’ in plaster

as he struggled out, to master

his new crutches, in a bid to win the prize.

The host (then), Matthew Kelly

introduced him on the ‘telly’,

saying “Simon, what a plucky guy you are.

I’ve been told, a year ago,

...

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Jesus Wants You! 

He forced the door and entered, stepping over shards of glass, 

to effortlessly melt into the chamber’s darkened mass. 

And, as his torchlight searched for ‘victim-drawers’ to rifle through, 

out of darkness, rasped a voice; “Jesus is watching you.” 

He froze - was someone in the room inviting conversation? 

Or maybe he was hearing things (or his ...

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A 'Fitting' Tale.

Harry was a tailor, with the highest reputation.

Known for style and excellence (whatever, his creation).

His method was to double-check on every single measure,

so garments fitted perfectly, to give his clients pleasure.

This ‘modus-operandi’ will ensure the clothes fit, great

if you stick to it religiously and never deviate.

But, circumstance...

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Chess Pains!

Yet another chess convention

called upon the monthly pension.

Crusty codgers, ‘ coffin - dodgers’.

Reek of mothballs (best not mention!)

Hotel filled with ancient blokes,

bragging of their master-strokes.

‘Castle-crashers’, ‘Bishop-bashers!’

Cracking ‘chess-related’ jokes!

The old ‘ Grand Master’ then appeared,

to boast and crow (whils...

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I

forgot

to water

my writing

so now many

words have

fallen
to

the

ground

OH

             the

                                           Shame                                                          

                                                                                        ...

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Dear all
Please take this refresher advice as a friendly reminder
Of our protocol for calling in sick
Which is  

In the first instance call the shift supervisor
Inform them why you are unable to attend your shift
Be as clear as possible
The more information the better 
We don't need to hear a blues lyric
Only the truth
This information will of course remain ...

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I am the world's first selfie poem,
Held aloft by the world's first selfie poem stick,
A look-at-me wordsmith pic,
Here I am fluttering beside Tower Bridge.

So here I pose on the left bank;
Here I'm by the Eiffel Tower,
Here I selfie seductively next to the shower.
Ignore the bidet -
Admire my framed parchment hanging above a plastic flower
pot.

Here I am analysed by a poet I barely ...

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You should have been here yesterday
Ten thousand flamingos danced all over the square
A bouquet of jasmine blooms filled the air
Golden geese spiralled a mid-air fanfare
Peace doves gently dropped ribbon boxes of chocolate eclairs

You should have been here yesterday
Billionaires gave away their mansions and wares
Rare paintings
             and rare cars 
                       with fre...

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