Did I hit my head or have a fall?

Did my heart give out?

Am I under the stars?

Did I make it to heaven?

The memories I have are as strong as an over perked cup of coffee

I can’t forget or let them go

In fear that I’ll feel I’ll have never lived those moments to remember

I try to recreate those memories

I try to relive every moment

But each time I do

I realize it’s not...

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My life force has gone

whatever confidence I had is crushed

I cannot hear my voice

I cannot hear any voice

except panic

and anger

I am lost in a street walking the wrong way

shoulders bumped and jarred

I move to the wall

I press hard against it

It pushes me into the flow

my fear turns to violence

There is no reason to lash out

no reason to h...

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There's no stars out in this darkened sky.
As a curl up, on the hard floor to lie
I cannot lay safe, cozied on this soft bed.
Not with the noises and memories floating in my damn head.
The cracks and the bangs that rang out in the night.
Times I saw many men fall, disappear out of sight.

Was that today, yesterday, or maybe tomorrow?
No bravery left here there's only raw sorrow.
The noise...

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It reaches further than "please fuck me" or "don’t touch me"

It’s a liminal in-between 

A line we like to call blurry

But I never asked you to undress me

My body abandoned me

My words went slurry

Tongue too thick to go beyond a mumble

Kind sir escorted me to save me from stumble

Four times play on my mind

One of them I even forgot

Until it accosted me during a usual d...

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The Faint

     “We need you back bladerunner,

we need the old magic back” the commissioner pleads heartily,

but my sleep state confusion knows only the tears that foretold,

‘Big boys don’t cry!’

     In state of anguish every beating is felt one more time,

and, ‘it must be a life review’ and, I hear them say,

     “He’ll not recover from this one!” - it is as if...

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And in the beginning, I remember how your hand,

Had reached out to help me,

As you promised me that you would love me,

That you would care for me.

And those promises were not the only things broken,

When you used that same hand to hold me down, to use me, to hurt me;

And bruise my vunerability that I had given to you.

And you left my skin in a state that made my mum sob;

An...

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I'm cursed.

Imprisoned inside my own head.

Endless loops of excessive or inadequate.

The overwhelming depth of darkness poisons me;

And I'm consumed by voices that scream for release;

the intoxicating craving for peace.

Until I overdose on overthinking,

Yet so tortured by this terrifying emptiness,

That I am just too numb to fear that fear.

I am simply a shell of a girl ...

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I'm defenceless, powerless.

Constrained, by uncontrolled emotions,

To this rollercoaster: up, down, up, down.

Desperate screams silenced in smothering shame.

I didn't consent to this ride,

So why won't you let me get off?

Sadness is suicide;

Anger is murder,

Happiness is euphoric,

And normal? Normal is northing.

And nothing being an insufferable emptiness,

That hol...

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Im am a solder that never fought but battle in my life. 

I am a man with no fear but fear is my nature . 

Im a man that strong though strength of heart. 

I am a man that seen war that will tear apart thing in it path. 

Im a man that taught strength is in control of emotion. 

I am a man that was taught wisdom but never listened. 

I a man that rather face my battle on my shoulder t...

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Lockdown silence 

No sirens less police

Less street violence 

Growing Nature clear sky's less pollution

One year later vaccine..Solution 

And we're back again noises are louder

Pubs are open Alcohol white powder 

Fights with knives,battered citizens not just wives 

Schools back ..crowded street

Complaining teachers email repeat 

Back to normal yeah...

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We've been underground now,
We've been travelling tunnels rarely trod.
We've been with our torches and beacons
And our memories of light.

But it is getting darker
The further that we get.
Will you go on with me, into the depths?
Will you keep company with me, 
Until there's nothing left to light our way?
Till we've found all we can find, said all we can say.

But you don't need to ans...

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Irony is a malicious art-form. It’s shocking and sneaky and dripping with deceit.
Is it a karmic curse? Do I deserve to be toyed with like a worn out voodoo doll?
Did I ask for this? All the years of not caring at all.

Putting myself in harms way begging to be struck. 
Dancing around the fire drunk with a lust for self-sabotage.
And escaping fate every single time. 
It seems like a bad-jok...

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The greatest things in life cannot be seen,

Like happiness, love and serenity,

Anger, malice, wrath and rage,

I'm sick of these feelings as I grow with age,

There's more to life than being locked up,

Slamming dope and running amuck,

Looking over my shoulders the paranoia doesn't stop,

The fun is all gone and the streets are too hot,

Life on the run has turn into a drag,

...

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You ask if I'm okay,
because I am 
unusually quiet 
today.

I'm just trying to keep memories 
behind the flood gates
so they don't sweep me away
to a dark place.

Thank you for being my escape,
a bright light,
my way home, 
my touchstone. 

Your love helps ease the pain.
I don't mean to push you away.
There are so many things I want to say,
but I must go, feed Jake. 

https://y...

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Get out
Go away,
I've been working hard
For too many days.

Can't think
Won't sleep,
Not with you there
Herding all my sheep.

Get out
Go away,
My head's so full
And heavy with clay.

Can't think
Won't sleep,
Afraid of monsters
That are sure to creep.

Get out
Go away,
I never said
That you could stay.

Can't think
Won't sleep,
Could end it all
With just... one... leap....

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Touch me
Burn me
Hurt me
Break me
Ache me
Caress me
Kiss me
Cuddle me
Feel me
Hit me
Rub me
Taste me
Grope me
...kill me

Backdated 10/8/19

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I am yours,
Or so it seems.
I give my all,
My everything.
Every night,
You continue to take.
My silent screams,
"I'll break! I'll break!"
But still, you chase,
Still you win.
And once again,
I’ll give in.
I give my all,
My everything.
Because I am yours,
Or so it seems.

Backdated 10/8/19

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Come in
Slide behind
Start our rhythm
Get on your grind
Forget my feelings
I'm losing my mind
Don't need real life
To you I'm blind
Can feel every ache
Wish I could rewind
Know I'll always be hurt
To you, I am confined
Just waiting for the day
To be reassigned

Backdated 10/7/19

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I know what's coming,
I want to run away.
Maybe a deeper desire,
Always makes me stay.

He slips in behind me
Cuddles and watches TV.
Then he touches me and moves me,
And never once with a plea.

His rhythm begins,
One leg bracing me in.
Leaving his hand down my pants
Grabbing at my skin.

With fury and anger
His force comes to an abrupt halt.
Unsatisfied and unloved,
I'm left sh...

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The lights dim and a curtain's drawn,
A quiet theater as the show begins.
It's the same reel playing on repeat,
A shattered heartbroken from sin.

He lies next to her as he'd always done,
Reliving his day through adventurous stories.
But something about him had changed that night,
The girl became something he had to seize.

A kiss of the lips catches her off guard,
"I'm sorry" escapes f...

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Would you believe me

If I told you the truth

Would you stay with me,

Or would you just leave?

Would you still feel 

The way that you do

If you saw me kneel

Before the demons so cruel?

I tried to escape

But it fell right through

It was never fate

What should I do?

I didn't mean to fail 

I did choose you

But the monsters fight

Harder than I'm able to

I...

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You try to escape the demons

But they latch on way too tight,

Their claws digging into my body

And mind, with all their might.

Fighting is exhausting,

It physically and mentally drains.

But still I endure it, hoping

One day I will finally escape the pain.

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Shells fly overhead,

            dust kicking up in the air

filling the lungs,

            and choking the life

            from the blank eyes.

Staring up wide eyed and teary

            as the life slips away,

Laying there bare to the bone

            stripped of the soul

            lost to the sea of dust and rubble

            laying underfoot of the building

...

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{Flash Backs `N` Nightmares} 

The bad flash backs `n` nightmares haunt's my life `n` mind `n` memory today it washes over my whole body almost crippling it like the first time it occurred it's purely agony on my poor old soul that I wish would disappear from me because it's a wrecking ball to my life today 

`N` I can still see the flash backs `n` nightmares of the bu...

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Beige walls stand empty where original artworks once hung
A woman, beyond her years in mind and body, sits at her desk
Staring at a screen that, despite vast knowledge at her fingertips
Is empty
The cloud of cognizance that enveloped her has cleared
Ridiculed by those she trusted
"Over medicated"
No more pills
No more gange
Nothing to help control the demons within her mind
There is no f...

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Live On – Awake Till Death

Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye

So what are you dreaming,

What visions are keeping you entertained night, and day??

Loved ones, hated ones - winning ones - losing ones.

What’s on your mind?

That’s what ‘they’ want to know!

That’s the secret see, keeping it to yourself,

Keeping it all to yourself,

Your dreams, your fantasy’s, no matte...

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And the troops go marching proudly by

as she wipes a tear from her weary eyes,

the one that she seeks, she will never again hold

for he died at his post; he was thirty years old.

The colours fly high on a cool autumn breeze

as man and boy march with well practiced ease,

so glad to be home after being so brave,

with flags overhead and not covering their graves.

She...

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Craiglockhart (Not Yet Diagnosed Nervous)

When I kicked over the wheelchair
I couldn’t do the simplest task,
except the epileptic flailing
of my military antimasque.
Turning on the hissing gas-lamp
had me reaching for the mask.
You opened up my mind
and you didn’t even ask.

Sh-sh-sh shut the fuck up,
I think I’m going insane,
I’ve got all these bombs
going off in my brain.
I’m lik...

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The Earths Core

I am sat in front of its secret eye,

And I wanna kick fuck out of it,

It watches everything I do,

I pick my nose in front of it,

Wack off,

Swear,

Drink

Bite my nails

And pick my scabby scalp,

     It looks at me with pleasure,

For it seeks only the demeaning

Of my being,

And I find nowadays

My dick is cold,

My mind colder still,

...

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The Borrow

     ‘Oh how the mighty have fallen’

     They say,

Referencing the frail, the fat, the fucked,

     And,

You couldn’t wait to bring them down,

Watching till they’re frail, they’re fat, they’re fucked

     Yet,

You never really knew,

Never knew the sacrifice they made

     Still,

     You’re envious,

Laughing with scorn labe...

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THE RADIO TELEGRAPHIST

     It doesn’t come easy,

Being a Radio Telegraphist –

For the MOD,

And when you’re done,

When you have finally

Had it all drummed in,

     Your ears are opened

In ways a civilian just

Wouldn’t understand,

     You’re sat there

In the back of a soft-top

Or a four three two

Or you’re out on patrol,

But yo...

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