"Find yourself"

You can misplace your mind

But

You can't forfeit your mind

When you've built a fort for your mind

Mine is bulletproof,

Double-glazed,

Soundproof,

In here

I can stay outside of myself

I can step outside of the world

Oops

Yesterday,

I watched us having a conversation

From my window panes

Through the heavy glaze

It made me feel some type...

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Today has been a better day 

I wasn’t a mardy bitch 

I didn’t cry when something went wrong 

I ate food without nausea or gagging or that awful washing machine feeling in my tummy 

Today was an easier day 

I could talk without the lump in my throat strangling me 

I walked through university enjoying each rain drop falling onto my cheeks

or dripping through my ey...

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Scared

there’s a war in my head between 

Me and my worst enemy 

a giant monster of fear and shame 

telling me I can’t ever change 

And every time I step out to take a risk 

the monster screams and shouts “you can’t do this” 

cause “who are you, and what do you have to say?”

i know you, and I’ve always kept you safe 

and now you can’t get me to leave, 

I’m bigger than ...

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I feel a little more me today 

The crying spell has passed 

With each hour, ticking by softly, my lungs awaken

I breathe easier now

I enjoyed my morning coffee 

Sat by the steamy windows 

Watching the sunrise slowly emerge from behind the dewy grass 

Colour is returning to my cheeks 

Repairing some part of the fragile soul I was two days ago

I dream 

Ag...

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I am at the pit of my breakdown

Saying goodbye to sleep I once loved

Food I could once eat without nausea 

Dreams 

That once allowed rest

Help me 

I pray 

Sitting on the floor sobbing 

Do I allow this pain to make me human

Or wish it away?

I bring these matters to You 

I cannot do it alone 

I’m still processing 

Picking out the safest part...

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There is a pit inside of me 

A deep, dark abyss where the negative thoughts grow 

“I will fail” 

“I cannot do this”

That is why 

When I look at you, there is pain behind my eyes

Bleeding onto my cheeks 

Staining all that surrounds me 

This bubble of safety 

Does not always contain it 

This is what high functioning looks like 

From afar, it is well co...

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Speaking can feel like your swallowing

So, you may as well swallow instead

Or it’s giving,

Giving and giving

Fingers down your throat,

Retching

Searching for…

Will I be stronger tomorrow?

Or just hollow tomorrow?

So, you end up filling up on someone else’s dictionary

I am disarmed without my language

But my language is disarming

Words do break your bones

Voca...

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I am itchy

My scalp is itchy

I cannot stand how itchy it is

I smell

My whole body smells

I cannot stand how smelly it is

I feel slimy

My feet and groin feel slimy

I cannot stand how slimy I feel

It is my fault

The whole situation is my fault

I cannot stand how this is my entire fault

I made you upset

I continue to make you upset

I cannot stand how I f...

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Capricorn

I am a battering ram

Undulating forward with a willful lack of grace

Constantly pushing, pulsing

Headlong into an uncertain oblivion

Destroying myself

Taking pleasure in the pain

The anxiety

Destroying what once was beautiful

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the cobra

                  w

                      r

                        a

                     p

                 s

                    its tail around my neck

its name is

                     anxiety.

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Therapy’s been fine but it’s not fixing my problems.


Each week talking about something new, but we never actually solve them.

Mr. Joyce tells me I need to let my emotions pass through me.


But my emotions make me who I am, so I know I need to disagree.

My identity has always been important and, honestly, I identify as depressed.

That as well as anxious, lost, and always stress...

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In that book, Nausea, Jean-Paul Sartre’s
Antoine Roquentin gets kind of freaked
Out just looking at the root of a chestnut tree.
I thought it was pretty weird at first,
Because how can you get through life
If you freak out every time you see a
Tree root or some fool thing like a tree root?

You couldn’t go on, could you? It’d just be
One crisis after another until you went
Insane and did...

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I'm sorry for inviting myself I just wanted to spend more time with you
And if I'm in your way I'll stand in the corner and wait for you

Now I'm sorry to be a bother but do you think I can have some water
To wash away my insecurities but I know you'll give them back to me

I don't know what you want from me but I just want your company
Find what you're looking for and take it all from me

...

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Searching for you

You’re the word

On the tip of my tongue

- tip - tip – tick – tock

You’re the face on my clock

Yes!

You’re the catch in my breath

Like if I was to cough

Words of you

Would just tumble out

Like if I was to shout

Words of you

Would just rumble out

You’re built into my skull

You’re the clutch over my brain

You’re running through my veins

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Nervous wreck In self defense 

saying you feel the water up to your neck 

all the things you can’t forget 

washed up memories of what’s left

burning in the fire to resurrect in the flesh anxious cigarette breathe

never mind the burning in my chest

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As I took a breath, this morning
I wondered what it'd be
To be a body without life
and a body without feel

What feels like such a trauma
is also a reason to live
Cuz this is how we learn to fly after a fall
and how we dare to dare

I've known a lot of stories
and eyes that would tell more tales
But not every soul would speak up
nor every silence would stay put

I longed to take a s...

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Just when it looks like

I'm making progress,

  I fumble

an hour and             start to         sp  lit 

                                                   (just like that)

and the other                                half

turns pretty                                      ugly

very fast. 

Then it's me vs.                          me

all weekend.

      ...

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