Like poison ivy creeping through my brain
Strangling emotions, my words are maimed 
Shutting me down and keeping me in
Making me feel that the true me is a sin
Holding me back and won't let me out
Wanting to scream, wanting to shout
I will find a way to let the world see
I'm going to break free, I want to be me
So poison ivy your not in control 
I'll keep on fighting until my life feels w...

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Inside the mind
Like the deep blue sea
A bottomless ocean 
Where thoughts run free 
Thinking of a guys
But it feels so wrong
A feeling of guilt 
The thoughts are too strong 
A hidden secret
A self inflicted lie
Not true to oneself 
But don't know why
A locked treasure chest
Waiting to be found
A mouthful of words
But the lips are bound 
Sifting through sand
In the hope of a find
...

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Silence after midnight

Who’s lurking in the dark

The wind is blowing in the trees

As I’m walking through the park

The gasping heavy breathing

My heart is beating fast

Lost in my surroundings

Reflecting on the past

Am I being followed

Why am I here alone

Is it all just in my head

Is it me that’s making sound

I’m sure I heard faint footsteps

I quicken up my pac...

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Awkward Questions

Awkward questions, I don’t want to speak

Leave it alone, the hurt is too deep

Pick at the scab and I’m sure to bleed

In silence I scream, this is not what I need

The one word answers

Can’t you see that it hurts

Things buried so deep

You are trying to unearth

I don’t want to face it

I’m not ready for that

Inner thoughts are my secrets

That ...

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Move on / Build a Better You

Time moves forward
It never turns back
So why do we spend so much time
Stuck living in the past
Mistakes are only natural
Issues and problems to resolve
Without mistakes, problems and issues
We never would evolve
So try and be more positive
There’s nothing left to lose
The world is at your feet
Just walk the path you choose
Hold your head up high
There’...

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Just leave me alone and let me find peace
I don't want to hurt
I don't want to weep
Who’s are the voices inside my head?
Why do they hate me? 
What have I said?
Why let them get to me?
What do I say?
Why can’t I make them all just go away?
Why do I feel I have to paint on a smile?
Why can’t I just be ‘me’ for a while?
These are the questions I’m asking each day
The voices, the demons I...

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Demons in the Woods

Running from the demons
Deep down in the woods
Head all in a panic
Heart fast pumping blood
Feet are feeling heavy
Trudging through the mud
Fear taking over my body
This situation I misjudged
Peeking over my shoulder to see once where I stood
Can’t control this trembling (I really wish I could).

© curiousdud3 05/2022

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Chains of Capture

Deepest darkest nightmares
But only if you knew
The lengths that I have taken
To hide away the truth
The scars are slowly fading
But the pain runs deep inside
Some say that I'm outspoken
But they don’t see the things I hide
The questions left unanswered
Constantly running through my head
The ‘what if’s’ again resurfaced
That I’d thought I’d put to bed
My demons is ...

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Charade

Is my confusion an illusion
Is my mind just playing games
All the demons and the monsters
Quick enough to lay the blame
Many questions left unanswered
And many answers make no sense
My only coping mechanism
Is self destruction or self defense
On the outside I may look happy
But I’m crumbling inside
All the feelings and emotions
Just so much easier to hide
If the lock could b...

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Lost in a world where I don't belong
Trying to be honest
But it feels so wrong
Hidden inside for way too long
Still lost in a world where I don't belong

Demon’s inside
Are starting to play
Causing chaos and havoc
Having their say
Trying to convince me and sway me away
Those demons inside
Are starting to play

Feeling alone
Feeling so scared
Loved ones around me
But it's like they...

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How do I show love?
I used to know
But forgotten how
Need to find a way
I’m getting colder day by day
I promise to try harder
But I’m stuck in my old ways
I set the expectations high
But before too long I fail
How do I show love?

How do I show love?
My heart’s just solid stone by now
It's pumping blood
But emotions waves are yet to flow
For years I had a passion
But it walked out ...

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Guilt has got me, or is it shame
Finding excuses, someone to blame
Trying to get the mumbled words out
Needing to talk but not wanting to shout
Trapped in a world that is just full of sin
Caught in a fight I don't feel I can win
Capturing demons that run through my head
Locked well away, those thoughts left unsaid
Deep is the prison where I keep them locked in
Hearing their screams, the t...

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Is this the end of the line
Have we run out of road this time
Are we still living with lies
Or are these thoughts all in my mind
My hearts forever aching
I feel there’s love inside
But it’s hard to show emotions
It’s so much easier to hide

So is this the end of the line
Or are we both just being blind
Do we just need to make time
Instead of leaving ‘us’ behind
I know the paths not ea...

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Ask me no questions
I’ll tell you no lies
A hidden hurt 
Behind a disguise
A pain that's trapped way deep within
A world that's locked with no way in
Mixed emotions float through an empty space
Years and years just gone to waste
Living behind a fractured mask
Haunted within from a troubled past
Trying to scream to let it all out
Trying to cling to the slightest hope
Constantly fighting...

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Hey there Valentine
Give me a sign
Can I put my trust in you
Lay it all on the line
Reflecting past romances
They have all turned out bad
But it feels like love is in the air
And it makes me feel glad
Feeling thankful for your loving
All the things that you do
Feeling thankful for the feeling
Of just me and you
So hey there Valentine
I think it's a sign
Let’s walk together side by si...

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Locked away emotions
I won't let no-one inside
Behind a masked perfection
Is the place I run and hide
Alone I’m always thinking
My mind just fills with dread
Unknotting the confusion
That’s tied up inside my head
Trying to escape thoughts
But I can't find no way out
My eyes are slowly welling
My cries are silenced shouts
I'm looking for the answers
But they just never seem to come
Ju...

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Mind games playing through my head
On repeat like my favourite song
Trying hard not to get things wrong
But it’s tiring living on the edge
Dark clouds descending will I be OK
The wars are raging between straight, bi and gay
The voices screaming, they don't go away
But one day soon I hope I'll have my say
So for now hold out a safety net
I don’t know how much closer to the edge I’ll get
B...

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Trying to understand
These thoughts running through my head
Many words that could be spoken
But they’re better left unsaid
The truth is way too painful
No pill can take away the pain
I could paint a perfect picture
But in turmoil I remain
Locked away the feelings 
Just hiding from the world
Made myself a prisoner
My parole has always failed
Emotions causing riots
Reacting with my brai...

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Late at night
Lying in the dark
Another demon enters
Takes a strike at my heart
The tears start flowing
I don't know if they’ll stop
He can see I’m weak and fragile
So he takes his best shot
The thoughts are getting stronger
But I keep them at bay
I guess it’s wishful thinking
That they’d just go away
I hate all the confusion
If I’d known from the start
Then this demon and his army
...

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You locked these chains
My mind you maimed
A life of guilt, a life of shame
Alone I cry, I live this lie
Too scared to talk
But don't know why
I feel like dirt
Inside I’m hurt
A hidden man that can't be heard
A silent voice is not my choice
Confusion lurks, you've done your work
A poisoned mind has left me blind
Thoughts of myself are all unkind
My thoughts I keep
My wounds are deep
...

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The air is thin it’s hard to breathe
Get out my way I need to leave
The walls around me are crumbling
Feels like a fight I’m not going to win
As I gasp and reach for air
Feels like the world for me don't care
They don't understand the thoughts inside
The thoughts locked away, those thoughts are mine
They're mine to say but I can’t speak
I’m tired and scared
I’m frail, too weak
Maybe som...

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This must be a nightmare
But I’m not asleep
All kinds of feelings
Are starting to creep
But as the demons
Torment my soul
The devil he laughs
The werewolves they howl
I’m running, I’m hiding
Deep down into the woods
In the shadows they lurk
My heart pumping blood
Sweating and gasping
I’m struggling to breathe
Head all in a panic
I don't want to believe
Scratching and scrapping
Dee...

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It’s a never-ending circus
Always running through my brain
Where the ringmaster he takes control
He’s driving me insane
The spectators seem to stare at me
They're waiting for the show
But the act they see is all a front
Inside they’ll never know
The cheering and the laughter
As I climb against the wall
The higher I get the best it gets
Up here I forget it all

Coz I'm walking a t...

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On a cliff edge, arms open wide
Free fall to hell with just one more stride
Close my eyes, feel the wind blow
Which way will it take me
I don’t know
Fates out of my hands
I won’t decide
I’ve lost control, I’ve lost my pride
I’ve lost my voice
I’m scared to speak
I’m tired and fragile
I feel too weak
Just when I think I can learn to adapt
My feelings sink straight back into a relapse
...

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Standing in the rain
Watch as it falls
Fresh on your skin
Standing in the rain
Take a deep breath
Feel peace within
The feelings fresh
The feelings free
In that one moment
Where you want to be
There is no blame
All calm remains
When standing in the rain

Standing in the rain
Watching the world
Just pass you by
Standing in the rain
It wets your face
Hides tears you cry
You want ...

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Leave a light on for me
I will return
I don’t know when
I’m yet to learn
The past is less frightening
I’m not as weak
The futures bright
At night I can sleep
Acceptance is key, I'm moving on
With each waking morning
Another fears gone
My head’s growing stronger
I’m ready to fight
I’m normal, accept me
Nothings wrong, all is right
At times I sit silent
With so much to think
Trying ...

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Trying to talk
But he’s not there
A vacant face
A lifeless stare
A hopeless call
A desperate plea
To find the man
He used to be
To walk the line
To make him laugh
To guide him down
This weary path
To find his strength
To find his way
Believe his words
And have his say
When times are hard
And life is tough
To grab a hand
Is just enough
To pull him out
When in too deep
To reass...

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Feelings silenced
No words to say
No explanations
Have come my way
Inside I’m broken
Feel I can't be fixed
Confused emotions
And thoughts are mixed
I feel dishonest
But I know the truth
I do not show it
Where is the proof
The sound of silence
Is echoing
Inside a menace
Resurfacing
I hate these demons
Please go away
Give me a chance
To have my say
Do not control me
You do not o...

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Dear Dad I miss you
I wish you were here
Someone to talk to
To ease my fears
You made life look easy
But now I know
Insides a struggle
Outside a show
I wish I had a moment
To show you who I am
I wish that you could see me
Now as a grown-up man
Just to know that you’d accept me
When life’s not gone to plan
To have you walk beside me
And show the world I can......

But I wonder........

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Are you looking at me?
Tell me what do you see
I don't give a shhh
Cuz I’m just being me
You may choose to tease
Or just choose to leave
Well that’s up to you
Cuz I’m not here to please
 

L.G.B.T
Nothing wrong with you, nothing wrong with me
L.G.B.T
People only see what they want to see
L.G.B.T
We deserve to be who we want to be
L.G.B.T
Let your inner demons set you free​

Th...

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Caged like a bird
Longing to be free
Waiting to take flight
And be the better me
Time is on my side
Is there any need to rush
A world that’s torn apart
All thoughts have turned to mush
Just sitting on a perch
Watching others flying by
Trying to guess the questions
From people asking why
I feel my wings are broken
But they’re strengthening each day
With every thought that’s challenged
...

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From the deck of cards
Life’s dealt me a hand
How should I play
I don’t understand
On the outside a King
But on the inside a Queen
The king I have shown
But the queen’s not been seen
Is there a trick up the sleeve
A professional hack
Do I bluff my way through
Because I don't know Jack
Are my aces high
When I’m feeling low
Do the Jokers laugh
As my anxieties grow
I play each card
S...

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Why me
What did you see
What made me so special
Why did you choose me
I felt unattractive
Was always alone
Avoided most places
And just stayed at home
I was fighting confusion
I thought I was gay
I just couldn’t except
That God made me this way
Why me
What made me stand out
Just an overweight slob
With a mind full of doubt
Always kept a low key
In the shadows I’d hide
So how did ...

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Looking back through time
Does history repeat itself
Does the mind play silly games
Denies you of any help
When you’re standing at a crossroads
And you have many ways to go
Do you follow the signs for society
Or do you create a brand new show
Do you fit a readymade template
Or make a new blueprint
Do you follow formed instructions
Or create a future glimpse
A glimpse so future generati...

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I saw this guy
He caught my eye
The things that I could do
His stubble chin
So masculine
A perky bum too
A cheeky smile
That lasts a while
The dimples in his cheeks
I feel a flush
A sudden rush
My heart just skipped a beat
He's tall and dark
He dresses smart
Tattoos on both his arms
His jeans are tight
Oh what a sight
He flatters with his charm
But he's in my head
Not in my bed
...

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If I speak the truth
Is it proof?
If I live a lie
Do I deny?
If I cope
Is there hope?
If I shout 
Am I out?
If I hide
If I decide
If I admit
That I have cried
If I, 
If I,
If I.

© curiousdud3 08/2020

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Thunderstorms
Running through my head
Rumbles getting louder
Scared things might be said
Hide away in a closet
Because the sound is so loud
Hide from the truth
Because the truths not allowed
Thunderbolts they are striking
Flashbacks of a lad
A childhood in silence
Adolescence was sad
But storms they get stronger
They gain strength with time
The rain is now pouring
I’ve a hurricane m...

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Red eyes, sore eyes
The pain upon your face
Tired eyes, weary eyes
How much more can you take
Heartache, heartbreak
It’s not what your looking for
Love tried, hands tied
Will you walk out of the door
This is me, the man you see
Different to the one you wed
Coming out, out is out
It’s not all in my head
Leave me, support me
I really hope you choose
Stay with me, for eternity
Or am I ...

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I planted some seeds
I watched them grow
They got stronger each day
They are flowers now
The petals are vibrant
They’ve come to life
They blow in the breeze
They reach up to the light
Independent and free
They stand so tall
Bask in the sun
From the early morn
As the night time comes
They go to sleep
Until the next new dawn
And the little birds tweet
Then they rise again
Looking pr...

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I don't want to hurt no more
I don’t want to cry
Don’t want to curse no more
Don't want to live this lie
Inside I feel I’m dying
The pain it hurts so bad
I feel I’m losing control
Every day I feel so sad
I’ve felt this way for a lifetime
Thought I’d mastered how to cope
But the pressures getting heavy
Feel I’m living with false hope
Thought talking would help to free me
But I feel I’v...

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Lost boy, find your way home
Reach out your arms
You’re no longer alone
Lost boy, please don’t be scared
There’s a safe place waiting 
You just need to get there

People may judge you
And that is OK
If they have a problem
We can keep them at bay
Thoughts and feelings are normal
Its everyday life
The future is yours
So keep that in sight

Lost boy, why are you afraid
It’s not your ...

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Life’s a game of Hide and Seek
My hiding's strong
My seek is weak
Hiding mastered over time
Seeking’s new, I’m trying to find
Where is the best place we can hide?
The best place is deep within your own mind
It’s harder then to delve within
Hard to find almost anything
A good seeker will sniff you out
Feels your breath, senses your doubt
But mark my words
As soon as found
The hider wil...

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If I could turn back the clock
To my childhood days
I’d live my life free 
With different memories made
I would not be in fear
I’d be honest and free
I would grow up with confidence
And be the real me

Through childhood my comfort
I found it in food
I just kept on eating
My weight it did balloon
I could control situations
In coping this way
Avoid situations 
That might give me...

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As a child
Friends knocked the door
Eagerly excited
You were waiting for
To hear the question 
As it left their mouth
Asking your parents 
If you were coming out

As a child 
We’d run around
No care in the world
And acting the clown
Getting dirty
And playing in mud
Making as many adventures
As we possibly could

As a child
I was building a wall
To keep me safe
And ca...

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Here I stand, a broken man
Trying to cope the best I can
Guys are not supposed to cry
We’re macho with our heads held high
But alone I feel a shivering wreck
With mixed up thoughts and mass regrets
Regrets that I just can’t be me
Regrets of the false man you see
Each tiny thought I try to dissect
But each tiny thought then becomes a threat
A threat that I might be exposed
Exposed to tho...

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You think that your losing me
But I’m losing part of you
You think that your hurting me
But it’s me who’s hurting you
You think you can save me
But it’s hard for you to do
Because I cause so much agony
And it’s me doing that to you

I fear for the future
I fear that you will leave
It feels you’ve lost the sparkle
And no longer believe
I know you reassure me
And there’s things you n...

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I gave you my life
You gave it back
But you live your life
Behind a mask
Hiding a secret
It’s yours to tell
But you should have told me
Before I fell
You are to blame
You caused me pain
Why can't you love me the same

Building years of friendship
Building years of love
Growing strong together
Embracing all we’ve got
But this charade
Is what you made
I see the truth
As it slowly ...

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They say that the camera never lies
But it does when you hide behind a smile
It cannot see inside your mind
The anguish that you quietly hide
The photograph that's on the shelf
Does not reveal your mental health
The torment that you always feel
The feelings that just makes it real
If you zoom into those eyes
Take a look and see what’s deep inside
Imagine what's behind that face
In place...

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At school as a teen

I was sitting in class

With all my friends

When the teacher asked

I’ve a question for you all

In this form group today

What would you do

If a friend told you they were gay

“I’d beat them and punch them”

The one friend said

“I’d kick them, and hurt them until they were dead”

The whole class cheered and seemed to agree

And that was the start of...

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Like a scared child in the shadows
Lurking to find what’s right
Strange feelings overtake me
And my chest is feeling tight
Why does it feel abnormal
Why does it seem so strange
I don't have one attraction
I have multiple in my range
Why does it sound so dirty
In an homophobic head
Why do I feel so troubled
By what others might have said
Is it them who have the problem
Or am I running ...

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