I've stolen Beelzebub's iphone, now I know the numbers of his friends 

he's stuck for eternity without Facebook, oh how his hell never ends

I nicked St Peter's Kindle, now his words of wisdom are unsaid

Because I changed the password on his account, from Heaven swear words are sent

I hacked into Moses' iPad, now it's a tablet of stone

I wiped every file from the hard drive and chang...

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Warfare rages, blood pressure races, worry lines etch into our faces

Predictability always soothes

So we turn our glaikit eyes to you

A saviour decked in red, white and blue

Be our hero, Mr Twee.

Crashing chords in minor keys

Experimental creativity

Please god - spare us all of these!

For our stilted minds cannot compute

Unfamiliar jarring tunes

Blandness is the ...

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See their faces so jaded

With all the torturous barking they hear

Over and over and over again

Assaulting their innocent ears

Our mouths keep spitting out poison

There’s bile wrapped in every word

After all these years of affection

How did our love become so absurd?

And I hope, just hope

You sleep sound and safe in your single bed on this night

I kn...

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Unfamiliar livery

Adorns familiar trains

Myriad trees, multi-shaped

Silent window frames

Station signs unreadable

A metal phonetic blur

Speeding on through Somewhereshire

On a train to who knows where

TK Maxx and Staples

Retail worship shrines

Ears burst in tunnels

As beneath the soil we dive

Conservatories and patios

Buzzing power lines

Tearing on th...

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Please keep on the grass

Smoking allowed

Nine people in this lift

Play your music loud

Please play ball games

By the entry sign

No speed limit

No closing time

22 units every week

Leave open the gate

Don’t sign in on entry

Stay out until late

Please unfasten your seatbelt

This will be an unpleasant ride

Don’t say I didn’t warn you

Chris...

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You truly are my automare

My four-wheeled bankruptcy

My fuel-injected money pit

Made from steel and reformed shit

A velour upholstered credit card hit

Five gears of utter hell

We got off to the worst of starts

And it went downhill from there

Grinding brakes and groaning springs

Ropey tyres and front wheel spins

These are a few of my least favourite ...

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I look at you

You don’t look back

You can’t hear what I’m saying

Blinkered, you start to backtrack

Into your world of playthings

I wish you’d join me

You never know what you might see.

A thousand fountains – a million forms of ecstasy

A trillion ways to make your brain cells dance

But you won’t even try, your pupils are too blind

I’ll speak to

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In the 1980s there was anger in the air

Thatcher’s children breathing fire with bile-fuelled despair

And thick, treacly green gel bound my spiky hair

The Mary Chain’s screeches echoed in my ears

Morrissey’s tortured words fuelled my every angst and fear

A bedroom rebel hiding from the day-glo Tory cheers

Oh how I felt so Bohemian then

Wham’s false jollity was d...

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Offend a Daily Mail reader – today!

In our miniscule existences upon this planet Earth

There’s precious few occurrences to occasion us true mirth

So listen up real loudly, those with brains and minds to spare

Who still hang on to plucking out true hope from thinnest air

Here’s the solution, if you’re open to such play

Just offend a Daily Mail reader today

...

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Buy our V12 detonator

To propel you into oblivion’s arms

Try our online, interactive, user-friendly blogchat charms

Ingest our vicious, nutritious, delicious, pernicious foodstuff

Smile and feel so satisfied

Almost gratified,

Quite mollified

That you bought into our corporate dream

Our tiny scheme

Our blue sky thinking

All our strategic initiatives

Th...

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Been there

Done it

Eaten it

Drunk it

Almost drowned in it

Nearly died

Praised it

Cursed it

Dodged it

Traversed it

Just you name it

I’ll have tried

Smoked it

Snorted it

Been traumatised by it

Reduced to tears by it

Laughed and cried

Run it

Walked it

Chased it

Caught it

Wished I hadn’t bothered s...

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Fake nostalgia spews out from your head

For a sepia England that was never there

Hatred junkie, you know

Where the blood river flows

Feel the bile at your knees

Marching bands drown out your higher brain

Blaring voices drive your soul insane

Hatred junkie, you feel

Like a cog on a wheel

Grinding so out of time – after time

God made you useless

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Anaglypta, portaloos

Double glazing, snakeskin shoes

V8 twincam, lightning strikes

Mental illness, Pennine hikes

Great North Runs and parking bays

Eminem meets Peter Glaze

Last bus home and suicide

Cheesecake and formaldehyde

Miniskirts, pay and display

Alloy wheels and Peter Kay

Pop-ups, blouses, USBs

Berlusconi, birds and bees

Window locks...

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I’m not up a height when I’m up a height

I don’t take fright

You can feel my might

See that smile – an ocean wide

As I watch man and nature collide

Vistas and blisters taken in stride

I’m not up a height, up a height

Breathless lungs, breathless scenes

Unwind the springs embedded in genes

Tension falls to the fields far below

Where imagined enemies and fo...

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Dostoyevski’s Chicken

Ladies and Gentlemen

Boys and girls

In this space and around the world

Raise your hands

Let flags unfurl

For Dostoyevski’s Chicken

She can sing – she can dance

She’s signed up for a comedy romance

A billion web views – not by chance

For Dostoyevski’s Chicken

Here’s a fowl you all can rate

She’ll never end up...

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My obsession (again)

I would bear my soul for you

I’m a fool, but what can I do

When I’m

So obsessed with you – so obsessed with you

I freeze

You have broken into my head

Play a god in every fantasy

I’m so obsessed with you – so obsessed with you

I freeze

You’ve the smile of Medusa

So eager to please

Friendly looks just started t...

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(Be my) Only One

(For Sue!)

Life pours salt upon my opened wounds

But one bead of your breath

Can cure me of harm

So be my Only One

Unleash your charms

Forever, Only One

Life cries foul upon my fragile soul

But one kiss from your lips

Can cure me of harm

So be my One One

Unleash your charms

Wherever, Only One

And y...

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The Misfits (going AWOL)

My head is in the clouds,

My mind is drifting somewhere else.

My ears are on the ground,

My feet are taking me to stranger places.

Is my reality the same as yours?

I don’t care!

’Cos bless my soul

I’m a misfit

Going AWOL

from my sanity,

Watch me fall

I’m a misfit

Going AWOL

from society,

Off the wal...

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We’re Northerners, us

We’re Northerners, us

Yeah, we’re practical and 'ard

We gurn through misfortune

As it’s torpedoed through our hearts

Slam us, flatten us, trample us – we’ll come up for more

Even though we’re drowning – oh yeah, oxygen’s a bore!

We’re Northerners, us

Scots, Geordies, Tykes and Mancs

Scousers, Cumbrians, Borderers, proud...

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